a guest post written by Gina Martin, found of the Bob & Diane Fund
My name is Gina – and I am a daughter of Alzheimer’s. Saying this make me feel like one of those characters in a movie standing in front of a room full of addicts. Not that I would ever compare having a loved one with Alzheimer’s to an addiction. However, it is still painful and only those who have experienced it understand it.
In 2006, my father and siblings and I all discussed some “red flags” with my mom’s forgetfulness. It was not overly concerning that she would repeat things to me, since I’m a twin she has always thought she told one of us one thing and not the other. My parents were both retired and still lived a busy life – so forgetting some things was expected. However, when the doctor told my dad that he saw “shrinkage of the brain” we sadly had our answer.
Our time to be there for them
My parents were high school sweethearts and had been happily married for just under 50 years when she passed. They provided my brother, sister and me with a childhood full of wonderful experiences, love, support, and family. As we entered adulthood and needed help – they were always there for each of us. Now it was our time to be there for them.
We all stepped in to be there for our mom, and more importantly, our dad, who we knew would have to be her caregiver much earlier than he had hoped at 65 years old. The first few years were OK and we were learning to adjust. However, my mom’s Alzheimer’s became more difficult in the 4th year of the illness. She definitely became more quiet, confused and forgetful. We were quite worried for our father’s health with the stress of caring for her at home.
Going into the 5th year, it was getting more difficult for our father to care for her properly. He found a memory care home a few miles from their home, but my siblings and I were not emotionally ready to take that route. However, we were not living with her 24/7 and he was, and we needed to support him. I was the only one of the three of us to visit the memory care home. I told my dad I needed to do it by myself. After my visit, I got in the car and just cried. I could not imagine the day we would actually have to bring her and leave her there. That would kill us. The year went on and my dad was doing ok and started thinking that he would make the move later in the year. That September, my mom was suddenly diagnosed with ovarian cancer and was given only months to live. We knew then that we would keep her at home. Just 7 weeks after her diagnosis, on October 31, 2012 my mom passed away. Needless to say, it was devastating, but in some ways a blessing. She got to die at home and knew who we were.
Finding our way forward
We now had to focus 100% on our father. He was healthy, active and strong, but we knew he would be very lonely and sad without her. We made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas – which we knew would be tough. Next was February – both of their birthdays. Our mom was just a week older and he did OK on her birthday – it was their first birthday not together since they were 17 years old. Seven days later, on dad’s 71st birthday, my brother and his wife took my dad to dinner. When dessert came, he made a wish and blew out the candle. Within the hour, he walked into my brother’s home and dropped dead of a heart attack.
As shocking and sad as this was for us, we were able to find comfort knowing that they were together again and that it was the perfect ending to their 50+ year love story. His 71st birthday wish was to be with his high school sweetheart. That June, on what would have been their 50th wedding anniversary, we sprinkled their ashes in a lake near their home where they would sit and play dominoes and drink wine.
Four years later, the Bob & Diane Fund was created in their memory. I had worked at National Geographic for almost 20 years by then and wanted to support photographers working on visual stories related to Alzheimer’s and dementia. Each year the Bob & Diane Fund awards a photographer with a $5,000 USD grant to bring visual awareness to a disease that has been hidden in the shadows for so long. The grant is open to all photographers (not just the US) and we support getting the work published worldwide. To date, the Bob and Diane Fund has given almost $40,000 in grants, scholarships, and photo contests.
My parents truly taught me the gift of giving. This is my gift to them.
Gina Martin is the daughter of Alzheimer’s. Her mother Diane was diagnosed in 2006 at the age of 65 and died 5 years later. Her father Bob was Diane’s husband of 49.5 years and loyal caregiver who died 3 months later. Gina has worked at National Geographic for 20 years and is very active in the photo community. In 2016, she founded the Bob & Diane Fund to give a $5,000 grant to support visual storytelling about Alzheimer’s or dementia.
