a guest post written for Happy Healthy Caregiver by family caregiver Bonnie Habyan
Dementia is no laughing matter. However, depending on the family situation, laughter can provide astounding relief for both the caregiver and the care recipient.
Anyone dealing with an aging parent knows the physical, financial, and emotional tolls it takes. Caregiving is simply a labor of love; mine lasted five years while helping care for my mom with dementia. This long journey required the work of a small, loving village, and I felt blessed to have a great one.
The goals of those caring for parents in this state are two-fold; to protect their loved one’s dignity and to keep them safe. However, amid the anxiety and stress surrounding scheduling and supporting care, we as caregivers often neglect our self-care.
Laughter is Emotional Self-Care
Caregiving for someone living with dementia can be incredibly stressful because of unpredictable events – from behavioral problems to wandering and getting out of bed to forgetting how to do simple tasks. Dementia caregiving is not an easy road. Self-care, in whatever form works best, is critical. I discovered and overlooked an emotion that provided enormous support and an unexpected positive connection with my mom, with some amazing and warm memories in the form of laughter.
For several years, my brother and I tag-teamed the many wonderful aides who supported my 91-year-old mother’s care. My mom was often alone at night, and my brother and I never got used to the late night and early morning phone calls from the emergency alert call center when they detected a possible health incident in my mom’s home. Some of the calls were actual falls that required ambulance rides and stitches, while others were false alarms that resulted in adrenaline rushes and sleepless nights for my brother and me. These occurrences happened so often; we lost count.
During our caregiving years, we stumbled upon a few silver linings – moments of laughter and bittersweet experiences that helped us keep life in perspective. And the benefit was not only for us as the caregivers but for my mom.
Laughter Releases the Caregiving Pressures
I warmly recall the time mom started to forget to take her medications. My brother and I tried to have a serious conversation with her about getting her more assistance, gently explaining to her why her memory was getting foggy. “Mom, you have some neurological things happening, and you have some dementia,” we said, after which she looked at us both and quipped, “Oh. Do I? I forgot about that.” All three of us belly laughed, and it was good therapy.
According to Gary Barg, founder of Caregiver.com, humor in caregiving has a meaningful role. “Humor and laughter are the best medicine for caregivers,” explains Barg. “Nothing relieves pressure more than a good laugh.”
For most caregivers, these moments reflect some of the last they will spend together with their older adult, when joy surfaces in specific things – a memory, a story, or misinterpreting a phrase because your care recipient, who may be hearing impaired, thought you said, “I’m drinking pee,” when you actually said, “I’m drinking tea.” Or the funny and quirky comments that bring a laugh during moments of role reversal when you get your mom dinner in front of the television in the den, and she says, “You would make a cute waitress.” Or when the physical therapist came to the house, and mom said she looked a mess, then rationalized out loud, “Who cares. It’s not like I have a date with John Wayne. By the way, is he dead yet?”
Sharing Our Stories is Cathartic
My friend Elaine, who has been caring for her 80-year-old husband, Larry, since his dementia diagnosis four years ago, says laughter is a lifesaver at times. “Oh, you have to laugh. Laughter is good, and we both love to laugh, and if we laugh together, that is even better. It is hard to look at my husband and see someone I don’t know anymore.”
Elaine shared a story sparking warm family laughter during a recent road trip. She and her husband, daughter, and son-in-law were attending a wedding in Ohio, and during the long drive, the sun started to go down, and her husband became a little confused. He didn’t remember who Elaine was. Elaine tried to reassure him jokingly, saying, “Hey, I’m your wife of 58 years, and tonight we have to sleep together,” after which he turned to her with a puzzling yet assertive response and said, “Well, that would be inappropriate.” She said the whole car burst out laughing, including her husband, only to have her son-in-law chime in with, “Well, it might be an interesting night!”
Pushing through the tears and exhaustion to conjure up a laugh is not always easy, but it sure helps when others assure you that you are not alone. Over the last few years, I often felt nervous and awkward sharing the humor that sometimes evolves out of the natural and raw experiences caregiving exposes. Still, doing so has been cathartic, especially when others open up and share their journeys. The conversations almost always end with them telling me how much they miss their loved ones when they are gone.
What Has Stuck With Me After Caregiving Ended
I dreaded the moment I would talk about my mom in the past tense. I realize how much I miss her and those funny conversations and bittersweet experiences. I lost my mom to dementia on October 6, 2022. I relish those moments of humor and encourage those to try to leverage whatever positive emotion helps them and their loved one’s cope. Lest we forget, as I did, caregiving is temporary. So, savor the moments of laughter, the connection a good belly laugh creates, and the self-care and self-hug it provides. You deserve it.
Bonnie Habyan is a CMO, author, and motivational speaker. In her book, “The World According to Bess, a Funny, Unfiltered Memoir of Life Lessons from my 90-year-old Mom”, you’ll learn more about Bonnie’s caregiving adventures with her mom. Find out more at www.meetbonnieh.com.
