A guest post written for Happy Healthy Caregiver by family caregiver Kristen Heller.
It’s hard to describe how fast your days go by when you are caring for someone else. I imagine it is like having a child, except I can’t say for sure.
I have spent most of the last few years caring for my ailing father who had a stroke a while back. Right away I noticed that everything I needed and wanted in life fell away and his needs and wants became my priority. It become increasingly difficult to make time for myself, my friends. All of my time, energy, and resources have gone into helping my father, and mother, manage the day-to-day responsibilities of caring for a man who had a stroke.
In the middle of it all, I started to take back small pockets of time to incorporate self-care into my life. It wasn’t always easy, but it was necessary. Here are five ways I managed to incorporate self-care into my life as a caregiver and why family caregivers must consider how well we are taking care of ourselves when our time and attention is devoted to someone else.
Walking to Work
I moved in with my parents after my dad had a stroke because we needed to pool our resources and make the money stretch as far as possible. This was an easy decision because I would do anything for my parents, but it was hard on me because I had just finished school and was ready to start my own adult life.
After several months of tending to my father’s needs before my own each morning, I slowly started getting up 30 minutes before everyone else and walked a few laps around the block. I needed to think and clear my head and I just needed to not think about everything that was waiting for me back at home. A few days a week I got out and walked and it really helped me to take deep breaths and appreciate the time I had with my father.
Breakfast Does a Body Good
In the midst of a medical emergency, and even when the emergency has passed and you are left with steady routine, it is easy to fall into bad habits of eating whatever is easiest. If you’ve ever found yourself standing over the kitchen sink eating crackers from the box hoping no one walked in and found you scarfing down “dinner”, you know what I am talking about. It’s too easy to let your own health and wellness fall apart and despite the rising cost of living a pepperoni pizza is still less than $20 and feeds 3 or more people. It became too easy to spend what little money we had on fast food because we were too tired to cook.
One morning, after my walk, I decided to make breakfast. I boiled some eggs and grabbed a piece of toast and fruit. It seemed counter-intuitive to walk for 30 minutes and then choke down a toaster strudel. Plus, the protein and fiber made me feel better. I made extra for my mother and my father had his always hot, always nutritious oatmeal. He was getting what he needed, but I wasn’t. I started to make breakfast part of my routine.
Sleep When They Sleep
Like having a newborn baby, when the person you are caring for sleeps, it’s a good idea to take a break yourself. I found it odd to sleep in the afternoon, especially on days when I wasn’t working. It seemed like a waste to lay down and let the world pass me by, but I hadn’t been paying attention to just how tired I felt. I was probably dropping more balls than I cared to admit because I was so tired. Even when I would get a break, I would try to clean the kitchen or mop the floor quietly so my father wouldn’t wake up.
But then I realized that if I am going to continue to hustle at this pace to care for someone else, I need to take care of myself too. You can’t give from an empty cup. And my cup was running on empty. I started incorporating cat naps into my afternoons when I was home with my father. If he dozed off in his chair, I sprawled out on the couch and slept for a while too.
I Think We Should See Other People
Although I love my parents dearly and am working hard to ensure my dad’s final years are comfortable in his own home, I needed to get out and be around people who didn’t need me to wipe their chin with every bite of food they took. I started reaching out to old friends whom I hadn’t heard from in some time and we set up a few coffee dates.
At first, it was hard because I felt tremendous guilt about leaving my father home with my mother. She is older and just as tired, if not more tired than me, but I kept reminding myself that I can’t help them if I am killing myself trying to do it. So I started going out every Thursday night with friends after my dad has his dinner and my mom turned on the ballgame for him to watch. I was doing my best to leave a normal life, and I was grateful for it. It made me feel good again.
8 Hours a Night Or Else
Besides stealing little cat naps on the odd afternoon, I made sure to get to bed on time each night. I still go to bed by 10 pm each night, and that keeps me mobile, sane, and ready to take on the day ahead. If I don’t get my 8 hours of sleep my mother threatens to put me out with the trash. I know she loves me, but she also means it. I need my sleep. And if I fall short because my father needed help in the middle of the night, those cat naps come in real handy.
It’s a constant struggle to decide what to do with my time to make sure I am healthy and well enough to look after my folks and to make sure they are okay. The longer I do this, the more I realize that it is vital to the success of this arrangement that I care for myself.
We don’t need anyone else requiring help in my house. I’m all they’ve got.
