I just wanted a hug. Normally hugs are free for the taking but not during this Covid-Pandemic. Grief is lonely and during 2020, it’s even lonelier. My mom passed away earlier this month at the age of 82. While not a surprise, since mom has been declining for many years, it’s still heartbreaking. I do find comfort in knowing she is no longer in pain and is reunited with my dad in heaven. I also am grateful my sister Susie has more freedom in her days.
My Caregiving Cliff Notes
Over the years, many of you have followed my caregiving journey. For those of you who are new to Happy Healthy Caregiver, here are the caregiving cliff notes:
- My parents have had chronic health issues my entire adult life. Both had diabetes, heart disease, sleep apnea, and morbid obesity. Mom also had COPD, depression, edema, and hearing loss. For almost two years, my mom has been in hospice and 100% bedridden. This year, she also experienced cognitive decline and vision loss.
- My dad was always the stronger of my parents but rapidly declined in the summer of 2014. Shockingly, dad passed away rather quickly due to complications from sepsis.
- After my dad passed, my mom moved to an Assisted Living Community (we actually tried two different places) in the Atlanta area and I became her primary caregiver until April 2016.
- My mother-in-law battled lung cancer for over 4 years and passed in December 2014. My husband, Jason was his mom’s primary caregiver.
- Both my husband and I work full-time. During our peak overlapping sandwich generation caregiving years, we were raising two active teenagers. Natalie and Jacob are now in college and we are now venturing into empty nest territory.
- I have an older brother who has developmental disabilities. For many years my brother lived with my parents. Since my dad’s death, Tom has lived with either my brother Tim or my sister Susie.
- In the spring of 2016, Susie assumed primary care responsibilities for mom. First, they lived outside Philadelphia, PA. In the fall of 2017, they moved to our family’s summer lake home in Northern Michigan.
- Sadly, my mom passed away just a few weeks ago, on September 2nd, 2020 (Carole A Beighey’s obituary).
Desperate for A Hug
Having experienced the loss of my dad and my mother-in-law, I’m aware of the signs of someone actively dying: eyes rarely if ever opening, decrease in food intake and interest in eating, decrease in elimination of urine, and changes in breathing. Mom’s last meal was one of her all time summer favorites – Michigan corn on the cob (which Susie had cut off) and fresh tomatoes. It was fitting that she passed away on what is known as the rare ‘Corn Moon.’ My sister Susie was keeping us informed of the daily changes and my siblings were communicating frequently on travel plans.
My travel plans to be there for mom were complicated by Covid-19.
Mom died on Wednesday, September 2nd. My husband was traveling out of state for work that week. I was home alone. Both my kids are in college – my daughter at University of Alabama and son at University of Georgia. On the Monday before mom died, my son called home worried he had Covid-19 and wanted to come home to be tested so he could quarantine if needed in the comfort of his home. His symptoms were very mild – a headache, a sore throat, and he felt super tired. Honestly, we weren’t really sure he had Covid but he had been at a college birthday party just two days prior.
I dropped everything and drove the 1.5 hours each way to pick up Jacob. All of his classes are online so no risk in missing face-to-face class time. Thinking to myself on the drive there that this is a perfect example of a ‘sandwich generation‘ caregiving moment. Jacob and I didn’t touch each other and we followed the pre-arranged plan. He would sit in the backseat, we’d both wear masks and we’d keep the windows down. The ride was extra fun since I needed to wear my glasses due to a broken blood vessel.
Jacob was Quarantined
When Jacob returned home, he stayed only in his room and bathroom. I safely delivered what he needed. We booked the next available Covid-19 test for the following morning (Tuesday). We worried the rapid tests weren’t as reliable so we opted for the traditional ‘up the nose’ test. My plan was to wait for Jacob’s results to come back before traveling to see mom and be there for Susie. Luckily,my oldest brother had planned a trip over the Labor Day weekend so he would be there Wednesday night.
While waiting on the test results, Susie Face-timed me letting me know that she was just with mom and she passed away. It was around 1:15 pm on Wednesday. I was on a Zoom call for work, even though my head really wasn’t able to focus. I needed to reserve my personal time off for the coming days. After hanging up with Susie, I knocked on Jacob’s door and tearfully told him his ‘Mimi’ had passed away. Neither of us could hug.
The loneliness in this heartbreaking afternoon and faith that since Jacob wasn’t really feeling bad he would test negative for Covid-19, I booked my bereavement flight for Detroit that evening. I really couldn’t concentrate on anything and just wanted to be with my family. Sweet friends took care of my dog and took me to the airport. My cousin Jill and her husband Todd picked me up in Detroit and I stayed at their house that evening. Jill and I did share a treasured hug or two.
The next morning, we left for the three hour trek to Hubbard Lake, Michigan. During this trip, Jacob let me know he tested positive for Covid-19! Even though I took precautions, the natural concern is that I was potentially exposed and now my cousins were, too. We frantically called looking for a rapid test but this would mean re-routing back to Detroit and adding almost 6 hours to our travel time. Plus, we were concerned that I could be tested too soon. We needed more time for the virus to incubate.
We continued on toward the lake. The new plan I made with my sisters was for my cousins and I to quarantine at ‘the Shack’ – the original smaller family property we have at the lake. When we got together with rest of the family, we wore masks and stayed 6 feet apart. Not being able to hug your siblings after the loss of our mom is indescribable.
F*ck%$# Covid
The three of us did get tested that Saturday and results came back late Tuesday night. We were all negative! I hugged my brothers and sisters tight on Wednesday – a week after mom’s passing and six days after being close but not too close for comfort. Staying in a different home meant I missed out on some of the early healing conversations and planning. My siblings tried to include me but I still felt excluded. I couldn’t go to the funeral home to make arrangements. I couldn’t sit close enough to hear the conversations when our large family was together. I couldn’t touch the sympathy cards and photos. Don’t get me wrong, if you have to be quarantined – being with my cousin and her husband would have been a top choice. They took great care of me.
I was so pissed at Covid-19 for robbing me of yet one more thing in 2020. I wanted to be present in the grieving of my mom and here I was calling all around the state of Michigan looking for tests, concerned about results, worrying about my son recovering back home, and not being able to hug!
As I type this, I know many caregivers have had it worse this year. Friends and clients of mine have lost parents in senior living communities or hospitals and weren’t able to be there at the end. There just are no words to heal this situation. I’m certainly grateful for what was true for us – my mom passed peacefully at home in her happy place and my sister was with her at the end.
Mom’s Celebration of Life
Because it was Northern Michigan, a pandemic, and the week of the Labor Day holiday…plans for mom’s memorial happened over a week after she passed. This timing definitely played to my advantage. As per mom’s wishes, she was cremated. She also wanted a mass in her hometown of Linwood, Michigan. Her service took place just with immediate family. We sat socially distanced in pews by individual families, wore masks, and avoided hugging.
Afterward, we had a family champagne toast at mom’s brother’s memorial flagpole off the Saginaw Bay. How fitting that it was also September 11th.
Then, there was a short graveside burial service. Mom and Dad’s ashes were buried together. Susie read this ‘Parable of Immortality‘ which brings us all comfort knowing both my parents are reunited and that mom was also greeted by her two deceased siblings and parents.
On the ride back to the lake, our three cars of family members made a game time decision to have what we now call a ‘Mimi Lunch’ – essentially a meal of ice-cream. We didn’t have time for a proper lunch. We needed to be back and ready for the virtual memorial that evening. My sisters and I chose one of mom’s favorites – tin roof sundaes.
A Zoom-Memorial or ‘Zoomorial’
Whatever you want to call it, the Zoom Memorial Celebration of Life for mom was perfect. My sisters and I worked hard on bringing our vision to life. We wrote the eulogy and then realized that because we were doing Zoom we could share lots of photos. We hunted for just the right photos in our smartphones, Facebook profiles, DVDs of slides, and print albums. We created a shared digital folder to stage them all and invited others to add to it.
Our Zoom Memorial Service was over two hours long. Our 40 minute slideshow eulogy was read by me and my two sisters. Susie re-read the Parable for Immortality. I also read a passage mom had written in her Waddodles of Hollow Lake ‘Law of the Woodland’ book where Harriet, the mama raccoon, is offering encouraging words to her two oldest children after the death of their father.
My brother Tim read his own private eulogy which tugged at all of our heartstrings. Then, we invited other family and friends to share their stories.
Some Zoom participants had specific stories to share or talked about what they will miss most. My daughter Natalie and husband Jason shared memories (thankfully both of them tested negative so could come in person). My son Jacob was solo at home and had a show and tell item – our Scrabble box. Inside the Scrabble lid, we keep a written list of the family’s record scores and Scrabble words (when you use all your letter tiles in one turn). Mimi has many listed in our lid from all the times she visited and played with us. Poor Jacob was still lacking a hug and grieving alone.
We recorded the Zoom Memorial event for those who couldn’t attend. This private YouTube video will also be a terrific family history lesson for future generations.
The memorial planning was a shared grieving experience and therapeutic for us all. Re-entry back to our real lives at home is another story. Stay tuned for this in a future post.
P.S. Jacob recovered from Covid and we embraced in a HUGE hug when I returned home from Michigan. Jacob has returned to college.
