a guest post written by Beth Marshall
When my phenomenal mother-in-law, Mozelle (aka Mozie) was in her 70’s she began to struggle to come up with words. Sometimes she couldn’t remember if she’d had lunch or not. We didn’t think much of it. Everybody has moments where you walk into a room and can’t remember why you’re there, right? Mozie still loved to swim, sneak chocolate from her hidden Hershey’s stash, go for walks, play bridge and do most of the things she’d always done.
Over the course of the next few years you might see her in the evening with a book open and reading glasses on, but never turning the pages. Mozie was a serious hater of litter and would spend hours picking up discarded trash. As the forgetfulness progressed, one day instead of collecting litter, she was spotted picking up leaves, then dropping the bag off in a neighbor’s mailbox.
I remember Mozie tilting her head and gently hitting herself above the ear. She says she wished she could “knock the cloudiness” out of her head.
Celebrating a very cool person
Mozie was everybody’s friend. When her kids were growing up she loved cranking up the boombox in her playroom and teaching kids how to dance. Deep down she believed that boys who could dance would always be able to find girls to dance with them.
Thanks to Mozie, her five kids were all confident horseback riders. They could load horses, saddles, and blankets onto a trailer for their family’s trail rides in the North Carolina mountains. Whatever mischief or fun anyone was stirring up, Mozie’s response was probably going to be YES!
Wedding Angel
Weeks before our wedding, my husband Paul called from Boston to tell his parents in South Carolina that we may have to postpone our wedding. There was a heartbreaking situation going on with my family in Atlanta, where the wedding was scheduled to take place. Without blinking an eye, Mozie offered to host our wedding. Three weeks later, in their lovely garden Paul and I, along with 35 of our closest people enjoyed the most unforgettable wedding day. Our wedding angel had taken care of every detail from scrumptious catering, chocolate and caramel bride and groom cakes, the Hawaiian Wedding Song sung by her sister, Bessie, and even daisies for my hair!
Hospitality and fun were clearly her superpowers!
The news nobody wanted to hear
Our family was not surprised, but still crushed when the doctors ultimately confirmed her declining memory was attributed to Alzheimer’s. While there’s no real silver lining to this devastating diagnosis, we were determined to care for Mozie with the same love and compassion she had forever poured out on us.
Every situation caring for a loved one with memory issues is unique, and we quickly learned the struggle was very real. Here are a couple of ideas that helped our family not only continue to love and respect Mozie but also spark some moments of pure joy.
Just go with it
When she’d get facts confused or repeat herself, instead of correcting her, we learned to just go with it. Confrontation would make her anxious, so why go down that road?! We learned quickly it was more important to be kind than to be right. Pretty sure that’s still true.
Remembering the Good Stuff
Mozie’s memory of recent events was usually pretty foggy. But, if you asked her about her handsome WWII Naval Officer hero, Stan back in the 1940′s serving in the South Pacific, she was clear as day!
It was always fun taking a walk down memory lane with Mozie. Anything 30+ years ago was fair game. Here are a few favorite memories we loved to stir up:
– When Stan saw this beautiful 16-year-old walk down the stairs in high heels, he boldly declared to Mozie’s brother Rex, “I’m gonna marry that girl!” Brother Rex quickly replied, “the hell you say!” A few years later, Stan not only married the girl but 5 kids and 14 grandkids later, was still madly in love with her!
– When her sister, Bessie (Hawaiian Wedding Song) entertained the WWII troops in USO shows, on the piano you’d likely see a glass of whiskey and a cigarette in the ashtray. Bessie may have been the only whiskey-drinking, cigarette-smoking USO entertainer in the 1940’s to marry the small town Baptist Preacher!
– Mozie would light up when we talked about how she saved the day at the last minute and hosted our wedding. We’d reminisce about the crispy chicken tenders, world-class caramel, and chocolate cakes, and Hawaiian Wedding Song she had smoothly orchestrated. When we’d step back in time, Mozie was no longer a confused elderly woman battling a wretched disease. She was the sassy 16-year-old in high heels, charming a handsome boy!
In the years since Mozie’s graduation to Heaven, thankfully the heartbreaking days of life with Alzheimer’s have faded, replaced by treasured memories of my boombox-dancing, horseback riding, wedding angel mother-in-law. Shine on, Mozie! I love this poem by her then 10-year-old granddaughter, Amy.
For anyone currently caring for a dear loved one – you are a hero. Be good to yourself. My prayer is that you’ll find ways to spark moments of pure joy as you celebrate the goodness of their life long ago.
Beth Marshall is a speaker, Sisterhood Women’s Group Leader at her local church in Anderson, South Carolina and author of Grief Survivor- 28 Steps toward hope and healing. Beth loves to help people honor their loved ones, preserve treasured memories and find joy-filled life after loss. Happy Healthy Caregiver is thrilled to have Beth Marshall/Grief Survivor as a Care Partner. To learn more about Beth and her family, listen to episode 84 of the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast.
