Empathy is a huge piece of this, and some of us have it and some of us don’t. Empaths do a very good job of providing care. Those who are not empathetic and can’t walk in the shoes of another person are going to have a tougher time simply because they have difficulty identifying with the person they’re caring for, and that person needs absolutely positively people. Who are going to walk the walk with them.

Are you caring for others while working and trying to live your own life? Wondering how to find the time for your own health and happiness?

Well, you’re in the right place. The Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast, which is part of the whole Care Network, is the show where real family caregivers share how to be happy and healthy while caring for others. Hello and welcome. I’m your host, Elizabeth Miller. I’m a fellow Family caregiver, a care advocate, a professional speaker, author, certified caregiving consultant, and certified senior advisor. If this is your first time listening, thank you for being here. This is a show produced biweekly to help family caregivers integrate self-care and caregiving into their lives.

Each episode has an accompanying show notes page. If you’d like more detail about the topics, products, And resources we speak about or you want to see any of the related photos, you’ll find the show notes by going to the website happyhealthy Caregiver. com and underneath the podcast menu, click the image or episode number for today’s show. The link for the show notes will also be in your podcast platform’s episode description. Now, let’s get to it. Let’s jump into this episode.

We’ve got a great episode today with PK Bevel. Before we do that, I have a couple of announcements and things I’d like to share with you all. First of all, follow Happy Healthy caregiver on social media. You can find us on most platforms at Happy Healthy Caregiver. Instagram is my favorite place to hang out, but you can certainly pick your favorite social media platform too. If you haven’t subscribed to the Happy Healthy caregiver email list, I wanna encourage you to Do that. I’m sharing something happy, something healthy, something care related. You can get on that list by going to bit.lee/HHCnews, complimentary. It’s gonna come once a week. It’s gonna be full of some great information, and I promise I’m never gonna do anything with your email address other than keep it for myself because I hate spam email as well. I’d like to thank our episode sponsor Rare Patient Voice. Did you know that you can earn cash in exchange for sharing your opinion? Rare patient voice or RPV helps connect researchers with patients and family caregivers for over 29 diseases and conditions. RPV provides you the opportunity to voice your opinions to improve medical products and services while earning cash rewards.

To join the RPV panel, head over to rarepatient Voice.com/happy. Healthy caregiver. Recently finished the book by Emily Henry called Funny Story. It’s a witty, heartfelt rom-com about Daphne, who’s a children’s librarian, newly single after her fiance falls for his childhood best friend, left reeling, she finds herself living with the ex-boyfriend of that woman, and together they form an unexpected friendship and maybe something more. It’s a story about healing, self-discovery, and learning to write your own next chapter. However, I have read many Emily Henry books, and this one was not my favorite one, and I need to just sometimes share the books that don’t hit me, you know, in a 21 or 22023-star way.

I gave this 24 stars, I rounded it down to 23 stars on Goodreads because the beginning really grabbed me, and then in the middle, it let me go. And I do think that the library science career sounds very appealing. I love books. I like the main characters. I enjoyed their banter, but something was missing that I just can’t quite put my finger on. So maybe you can help me if you want to check out this Emily Henry book, let me know, did you think something was missing or did you just fall in love with this and enjoy how it um it all wrapped up.

My favorite thing that I want to share is a Netflix series show called Call the Midwife. It’s heartwarming. It’s an emotional British drama based on memoirs of real-life nurse following a group of midwives working in London’s East End during the 33s and the 23s. You’re gonna love the hair, the styles of the clothing, and you’re gonna really see how healthcare and care for women in particular has changed over the year. It beautifully blends a historical context with powerful stories of birth. caregiving, community. So many times I wanted to grab my phone and write down some poignant quotes that came out of the show.

I think you might like it. Check it out. It was definitely a show I think that my mom would have also enjoyed. Let’s meet today’s caregiver in the spotlight. Even though PK Bevel is considered an expert in psychology and gerontology, she still felt lost and overwhelmed as a dementia caregiver for her dad. PK is the founder of Second Wind Dreams, a pioneering non Profit that fulfills dreams for older adults and champions dignity, hope, and joy and aging. She’s the creator of the internationally acclaimed Virtual Dementia Tour, a training tool that has helped millions better understand and care for those living with dementia.

In 272, she launched empathic Transitions to support families during end-stage dementia and is currently certifying the first dementia doulas. In this episode of the Happy Healthy caregiver. Podcast, we talk about why caring for a loved one in any setting is still tricky, how the phrase I wish sparked an uplifting nonprofit in the older adult space, where we can find sources for humor and joy, and why the end of life experience for those living with dementia is different. I hope you enjoy our conversation and the show.

Hello, PK, welcome to the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast. Hey, Elizabeth, it’s good to see you. Good to see you. I know usually we’re seeing each other in person because you are a fellow Metro Atlantan. So, but, you know, for the recording purposes, so much easier to just use the studio. So grateful that you are here. People are going to be so excited to learn about what you have to offer. And, but we always start everything PK with, um, a little bit of encouragement, words of wisdom, things that have spoken to me over the years on the happy, happy, healthy caregiver jar.

So I would Love to get your thoughts on what we’re going to pull out today. It says somewhere, spoiler alert, so I don’t pick the same ones all the time. They’re pre-picked, but you don’t know what they are. OK. It says, today’s inspiration is the most wasted of days is one without laughter. And that is a quote from EE Cummings. The most wasted of days is the one without laughter. Were you able to put sprinkle some laughter into your caregiving days or is that something you’re intentional about doing?

I’m pretty intentional about it. I think some of us are born with a better sense of humor than others. So for those of you out there who don’t have a great sense of humor, surround yourself with other people who do, because that will lift your spirits like you wouldn’t believe. But yeah, I got a pretty good sense of humor, may have a PhD in gerontology, but it was not at all preparing me for hands-on caregiving of my father. But my dad tell us more about that. Yeah, tell us more about your caregiving seasons.

I think you’ve had a couple of caregiving caregiving seasons. I have, but you know, and, and also being trained in geriatric or in dementia care, you know, I thought I knew it all, and boy was I wrong. So you were trained in dementia care before you were a dementia caregiver. Yes, and I was considered an expert. Well, that’s wrong because I was not an expert until after, after this. So there were a couple of things that Always stood out to me as a as a caregiver. When Dad, when my mother passed away in 2300, it’s interesting how as the only daughter, I have a brother, but the only daughter it seems like daughters end up stepping up to try to make sure that everything is taken care of, whether it’s for a mother or a father.

When the spouse dies, we are the ones that step up. I’m not minimizing the importance of having a son, but I will say that I have seen this more often than not. Yes, so of course, then I began being the one creating, calling his doctor’s appointments and taking him to appointments and You know, working a full-time job and making sure that Dad was taken care of, and then his dementia got to the place where it was obvious he needed to be more supervised and so he elected to go into an assisted living.

Well, my caregiving didn’t stop when he was in an assisted living, you know, you might some people kind of make you think, or even assisted living providers will make you think that, oh, we’re going to take the load off, we’re going to Well, actually it’s, it’s about the same. You still are doing the doctor’s appointments and you still are, if he has a procedure, you’re still the one staying there with them and changing the bandages sometimes and all of those kinds of things. So the caregiving continued until my dad got kicked out of the assisted living because he was trying too hard to help other people.

So he was pushing wheelchairs. He was some humor there, yeah, there is. and there is, there was a lot of humor there. And so, and he understood that he wasn’t supposed to do that, but he just couldn’t help himself and he would say that, you know, what what am I supposed to do? These people are sitting in the hall and they don’t know which way to go, so of course I’m going to take a liability concern for them like it was, and then he also liked to set up for church in the assisted living.

Well, they have staff to do that, and I think That was also another problem because you know Dad died at 94 and when he was 89, he was still making sure that everybody got to church. Anyway, it just didn’t work out and it’s helpful like he got kicked out for being too helpful. He wasn’t a jerk. He was too nice. He was just a delight. He used to leave, um, you know how they get the menus for the week or whatever and um first of all, he He was legally blind, but he had little magnifying glasses and stuff, so he would leave sweet notes on the menu for the staff about how great they are and what a wonderful job they’re doing and how he couldn’t live without them and things like that.

He was an amazing man. So then. After he got kicked out, he asked if if I was still open to the option of him coming to live with us. And of course, so everybody out there listening, beware for this. I said, Absolutely, sweetheart, Daddy, I’m happy to do that. Went to my husband. Is this OK? And he said, OK, so you know how when you bring a, if you have children, you bring a baby home from the hospital and how the husband sort of has a little bit of jealousy because you’re spending so much time with the baby.

It happens in this situation as well or it did in my house, yeah, he, he, my husband would get jealous when I was doing a lot for dad and no matter how many times I Tried to explain to him that this is how I’m supposed to be right now. I’m in this role now and by the time the 3rd year rolled around, he was getting the program and understanding and, and what I realized I had to do just like we do when we bring a baby home from the hospital, you have to include them in as much as you can so that as a caregiver you’re creating a cohesive unit.

My dad was Pretty perceptive, even though he had vascular dementia, he could tell it created angst in the family, but there wasn’t much option but for both of them to try to tolerate the situation. Wow. It sounds like your husband’s love language is similar to my husband’s, which is quality time. And it’s sweet that they, you know, it’s sweet that he missed you and he wanted to be around you. Like that’s, that’s how he sees love. Where did you find help, OK, like during this time? Of caregiving for your dad.

You’re an expert, right? You’re an expert in dementia care with the, with the academics training beforehand. Was it easy for you to find caregiving help? No, absolutely not. I have never felt so alone. And I tell families all the time, this, you know, this is what’s so weird. God came back and just sort of slapped me in the face with it, because I tell families, Look, you don’t have to go this alone. When people say things to you like, what can I do to help? rather than saying, oh, we’re fine, we should be saying, you know, on Tuesday if you’ll take this list to the grocery store, that would help me out tremendously or better yet, Would you sit with Dad while I run to the grocery store?

I, I was abysmal at that. Now my husband was very helpful, so you know, when I gave him things to do to help out, he, he, he started coming to class. But my greatest resource of relief was my faith. I’m very spiritual and I realized that I wasn’t going it alone and that Spending meditative time and quiet time was important to me even though I seem like I’m an extrovert. I’m really not. I’m an introvert and I like my alone time and I like having the ability to really process things well and I can’t do that when I’m in the midst of a whole lot of stuff.

So you have that in common as well, PK. Not only are we in metro. Atlanta caregiving, but we also, um, I call myself an outgoing introvert. So I like people and I give energy in this, but I have to go back and fill up my store with more energy and I do that, you know, by my daughter taught me to needlepoint recently. I love to read. I love to write. Like, yes, I like, I like being home. I like thrifting by myself. Yeah. So I don’t, I used To think that was I needed to apologize for that.

We’re not apologizing for that. We’re unapologetically outgoing introverts, absolutely, absolutely. Now I used to tell people that I did adult coloring books until I realized that people went to the wrong place when I said adult coloring books. These are coloring books that are designed for adults to be X-rated. Yeah, not X-rated. I never thought about it. It’s clean fun. That’s so funny. They need to, they need to rebrand that. Uh, what, what inspired you, once you’ve got this academic career in in dementia expertise, and then you’ve got your hands on.

Living in the trenches, being a dementia caregiver for your, for your dad. How did the second win dreams? How did your nonprofit evolve and it’s been around since 1997, I think. Right. Yeah, I founded it in ’97. Um, well, I’ve been serving geriatrics since 1983, long before you were born. So not that long, no, but, but nice try, yeah, so, um. So really that’s where I cut my teeth was doing psyche valves in nursing homes and loved it loved every minute of it. Those were my people. I had polio as a child and I knew what it’s like to be ostracized from the rest of the group and how different my upbringing had to be comparatively.

So I know what the people with dementia. Feel like in situations where they’re lost and they don’t know who to turn to and it’s it’s not fair. So working with them, the psyche valves I was doing had never been normed on the age groups that I was seeing and so I started creating some normative values around it so that I could start getting a picture of what psychologically was happening with people with dementia. OK. And then there’s one incomplete sentence test and the geriatric incomplete sentences test that I’m going to start this sentence and you finish it with the way you feel.

And one of the questions was, I wish, and they would say, I wish to visit the gravesite of my wife. I wish I could have a steak dinner. I wish, I wish, I wish. And the things were also blasted due a bullet broke my heart. So I’m not quick to the punch, but by ‘723 I realized that this really needed to be addressed. So we started making dreams come true in ’97 when I created our nonprofit. I believe in the principle that People want to help. They really do, and they want to help in geriatrics for caregivers, and for everyone involved, but they don’t know how.

So the dreams are a way that they can get involved in making dreams come true for those who are in the elder care system. So some of the dreams are incredible, but because of my inability to get the funds to Together at the very beginning, my prayer was, OK, so you gave me this idea and I’m really supposed to be doing this, and I understand that. I was still consulting in memory care at the time, so I was able to keep the lights on, but still, it was, I really needed our own funding.

So prayed, prayed, prayed, prayed, decided during this time that my best bet was just to use that time to My PhD, so my dissertation ended up being the virtual dementia tour. So I really did that just for graduate school. And after I did the pilots in several nursing homes, about 6-8 months later they were calling me and saying, could you come back and do this again? So I ended up donating the virtual dementia tour to the nonprofit, and there was the answer to the prayer. Because that became the ongoing revenue for us to continue to make dreams come true and create an operational program.

So that’s how all of that happened. Amazing. Amazing. Can you, is there a memorable dream that you can share, um, that was fulfilled through second wind dreams? Yeah. And in fact, listeners, if you want something positive to look at sometimes. Absolutely. Please go to our social media channels, Second Wind Dreams. We were on Facebook and Twitter and even TikTok and LinkedIn, and we post the dreams when they’re coming true. So it’s, it’s a great way to stay connected with some positive things. Now, we have everything from the simple to the sublime on the dreams, uh.

My, my heart goes to the ones that are very humble dreams. Of course, we do cruises, we do, you know, evenings out, we, we do those flashy things which when those dreams come true. They’re very powerful for everyone, the donors, the dreamer, everybody involved. And if you go to our website secondwind. org, you’ll see dreams there that need funding, and you can actually click on the button and fund a dream if you feel so. So, uh, so it’s the humble ones and the one I witnessed the humble one.

I went to your dementia events. I don’t know if it was early this year, um, down at the hotel downtown and You gave a dream. The second one dreams did a dream for somebody who wanted to cook and she got a KitchenAid mixer and then all the little things that went with it, and it moved her. Yeah, that, um, nominated her and helped fulfill it. So amazing. How can someone, you know, we can participate in helping to fund dreams. If someone wanted to advocate for dream fulfillment for their loved one, you know, are there some base level requirements?

That they in order to be considered for a dream. So the way that you can advocate for a dream is if you, they are living in some form along the elder care continuum. They need to be in a nursing home, assisted living, home help, hospice, anywhere along that something memory care absolutely our dementia dreams are amazing. They actually wake up during. The dreams because they realize that this is for them and this is from their past and it’s beautiful to see how we can replicate things that the person with dementia constantly talks about but are are confused and I’ve seen this happen so many times, but back to your question, so the way that they can do that is to let their supervisor, the person who is running the nursing home.

Know that they have this dream that they’d like to fulfill or they can go to our info on Second Wind. There’s a place where you can ask for information on our website, put the dream in there and we’ll go about trying to figure out. OK, we’ll link to that, make it easy for people. Such a great thing and we do need more uplifting stories and to see those dreams. So definitely going to go out and check those out. And you mentioned briefly the virtual dementia tour or, you know, it’s It’s a training tool that’s helped millions better understand and care for those living with dementia.

I’ve taken the tour personally twice, once at your home office or one of your office locations in Roswell, and once at the convention took it again, completely different. Like, you know, every time it’s, it kind of hits you differently. But for those that are unfamiliar with the virtual dementia tour, you know, what, what is it aiming to teach? Well, um, to me, there’s a huge chasm between In a person with dementia and the person caring for them because the person caring for them has no idea where the person with dementia is coming from because they don’t have brain damage.

And so what I wanted to do was decrease that chasm between them by allowing a person to actually walk in the shoes of someone who has dementia. So the way that I did it was I studied how the brain died. And in the different parts of the brain that are responsible for all kinds of things that we do every day, when those parts of the brain are damaged, it results in behavioral output. In other words, if the mobility part of the brain is damaged, they’re going to have trouble with balance and walking.

If the temporal lobe is damaged, they’re going to have trouble with peripheral vision, and they’re going to have Trouble with visual spatial things. So yeah, after I figured out which parts of the brain I wanted to focus on, then I had to figure out how am I going to convince a normal person that they have it. So I developed components that actually address the different parts of the brain so that the person going through the tour experiences that simulation of the parts of the brain. And yet in 20 countries and 9 languages now, and I continue to update it.

In fact, I’m about to release a different kind of glasses that will help create more of that dystonia in in the movement and vestibular movement. So, so I’m constantly. Searching, constantly trying to come up with ways that I can better simulate what’s happening and then we go after their garb, they go into a room that is also set up in a specific way that meets our we are evidence-based from top to bottom. So every time it’s done, it should be done in the same way in light of the different environments we’re in, yes.

So that room is set up and you go in there and you experience what it might be like and you come out and you go through a debrief so that the connections can be made between what you went through and what that means for your loved one and how we could maybe serve them better. So that’s pretty much it. We now have the inclusive VDT, which means you go through the VDT regularly. And then all of a sudden a companion enters the room, the lighting is made better, and you begin to see exactly how you could help that person.

So you can actually see the difference. And so that is just, just released. What are, what are you hoping that, you know, caregivers taking this, professionals taking it, what are you hoping gets changed afterward, reception. Yeah. Perception because I think we, we can’t help it, but I think we make judgments about people with dementia based on erroneous information. So I think every caregiver should go into the caregiving environment armed with as much information as they possibly can about the person with dementia. And that’s what makes it so hard because unless you can take a moment to do this, then it’s really hard.

If you can’t do it, what I recommend is to go someplace quiet that you can get away just even if it’s in your own home, but where it’s quiet, your loved 1 may be resting or whatever. And I want you to picture in your mind being admitted, being told that you have dementia, and I want you to think about what that would feel like to you. And then I want you to picture in your mind how it would feel to try to do a menial task, like buttoning and unbuttoning a shirt, or if they’ve lost the sensory motor ability, what it’s like to try to hold a fork.

And I just want you to get into that. Mindset instead of being a caregiver, being a care partner, and so you’re actually going through your caregiving role in concert with the person with dementia. Empathy is a huge piece of this, and some of us have it and some of us don’t. Empath. do a very good job of providing care. Those who are not empathetic and can’t walk in the shoes of another person are going to have a tougher time simply because they have difficulty identifying with the person they’re caring for, and that person needs absolutely positively people who are going to walk the walk with them.

Yeah, well, it, I mean, it certainly does change perceptions after the two times I’ve taken it. I have a, an older brother who lives with a developmental intellectual disability and is on the autism spectrum. And I know you also have an autism reality experience. I have not taken that, but I have done the VDT and I feel like it’s helped me with him, you know, Particularly the multiple instructions are not going to work for him, you know, one thing at a time, like, what do we need to focus on next?

And let’s let’s kind of get that done and and focused on before we start the next thing. So really impactful. I know it’s called the virtual dementia tour, but it is something you take in person. It’s not, it’s not like a virtual. Reality thing. It’s virtual because you’re entering their their virtual reality essentially, but you do have certified people, instructors all over. I think people can become instructors for VDT, right? They can. They just go to our website, look under programs, and they’re gonna see there are different ways that you can become uh uh.

Virtual dementia tour provider, we have facilitators, we have certified trainers, we have a number of different we have chiefs, we have all different kinds of providers. I recommend it. It’s, it’s very impactful for sure. OK, switching gears because listen, PK, you are a busy lady who has is leaving a legacy in a lot of different areas, particularly in the space of overarching dementia. But your latest endeavor really piqued my interest too. Uh, in 2023, you launched Emphatic Transition. Am I saying that right? Empathic, empathic. I have my spelling wrong, I think.

Empathic transition and it’s supporting families during their end stage dementia. And you are certifying now dementia do, doulas, dementia doulas. I heard about this at your conference that you had, and I felt like it was beyond the time to get you on the show to talk about the other things and this, because the people need to know that there’s a lot of great tools and resources that you have. What led you to create empathic transition and what need is it addressing in dementia care that you felt like was missing?

OK, well, I appreciate those questions and I appreciate you bringing it up. Um, so, I created it because I feel like again it’s a part of our umbrella of second wind dreams because we care for people and provide services for people newly diagnosed with dementia up to end stage, but we have absolutely nothing for death care. And to me nothing is harder for a family and those working in elder care than trying to figure out how we can provide a good death for people with dementia. So that’s why I decided to do this.

I’ve been an end of life doula for only 4 years, but I have been providing services to hospice patients for 3 years and of course prior to that I witnessed and was a part of many deaths in long term care at the bedside. So I think when we talk, start talking about death care, it opens the door for accepting reality and and again if we’re going to partner with our loved one with dementia. Yeah, we have to partner right up to death care, and there are advanced directives for dementia that you can under compassionate Choices, that website has some dementia advanced directives that of course when they get advanced it’s not going to be possible, but prior to that I recommend everyone get that taken care of.

It’s also important now that a power of attorney be identified who is going to honor the wishes of the loved one with dementia because they’re not going to be able to speak for themselves. Somebody needs to be to be a part of that. But more than that, so often people with dementia end up dying alone simply because families can’t see them that way or there are situations where it just becomes so overwhelming and scary that lack of information results in not a good death and this is, this is an important an important part of your life, being a part of your loved one’s death, and it needs to be smooth, it needs to be comfortable, it needs to be graceful, it needs to be loving, it needs to be embracing, it needs to be empathic.

So this is what I work with people to try to embrace. So my goal with this is to have enough dementia doulas trained to begin to provide services to families, hospices, hospitals to create a good, smooth, loving dementia death. Now dying with dementia is different from any other death, so you know that that’s another thing families to put in your, your planning stages. It’s not like any other, I mean it’s not. I was at the bedside when my aunt had her last breath. She had supranuclear palsy and frontal temporal dementia and my Goodness.

Cousin Megan, who’s been on this show, so I’ll link to her podcast, but she, you know, was a solo caregiver and young, lost her parents both in her early 30s. Mm. So yeah, I can totally, very different than the death of my, both of my parents and the other ones that I have experienced and felt kind of lost through that. So a dementia doula would have surely been a, and she was in a nursing, you know, skilled nursing facility, but I still felt Like they didn’t even know.

They don’t, they don’t know how to, how to handle it either. Yeah. And, you know, hospice and stuff, I mean, yeah, it’s, it is something that needs some specialized training for sure. It does. So, so that’s, that’s really my goal. Even hospice admits that they don’t have specialized training for those with dementia, and they also can’t be at the bedside all the time, even when someone’s. Transitioning. So there are 3 stages to what I like for people to understand. There’s advanced dementia, and that’s when they’re having difficulty verbalizing.

They’re having a word salad or, you know, beginning to not speak at all, and they’re still ambulatory in most cases may need a walker, but for the most part they’re still ambulating with some, some unsteadiness. They are forgetting when it’s time to eat, you know, they’ll eat a lot or not eat much at all. You are the one that has to provide the timing on all of that. They can’t executive functioning has ceased, so the midbrain and the ability for cross brain hemispheres is, is now becoming damaged.

So that means that the limbic system is also damaged, and that’s why. We get wide mood swings for people in advanced stage. That’s also part of the way that the brain dies. So, so there’s advanced dementia and then there’s transitioning, and that’s when they are now non-ambulatory, but they’re still, you can still converse with them a little bit. There’s still word salad. There’s inability to communicate well. But they have stopped eating. They can’t swallow anymore, so that kind of intervention with them stops. Worst thing that you can do families is to try to get them to eat when they’ve stopped eating, when it’s obvious that they can’t eat anymore.

And I know I was raised in the deep South as you were, Elizabeth, and we all know in the South, everybody’s got to be fed. So we, we’ve got to honor the wishes of the person as their brain dies, so they stop eating and swallowing. And and then there’s active dying, and that’s when their breathing has begun to change where their skin is starting to change, where they are not even responding to sounds. You could drop a heavy bible on the floor and they won’t jump. Just um their, their, their body is moving away.

That’s part of the labor of death, and it’s absolutely a beautiful thing when it’s uh comforting and loving and of course. It’s a privilege to be, you know, at someone’s. Yeah, for sure. And as part of the dementia doula program, is there something, is there specific trainings about how to, how to deal and help the caregiver, the family members as part of it. You certainly have the care recipient pieces of it, but the family members to help them understand this process and be supportive of it. Absolutely.

And that is a big part of the training, learning how to work with families at the end. Of life because it’s totally different for dementia. Think about it. All of the caregivers that are listening to this podcast now know that you’re living with anticipatory grief. You are always thinking about when’s it going to happen, how’s it going to happen? Am I going to be able to handle it? You know, this is all in the back of your head, and I’ll tell you about when I was caring for Dad, he lived.

We had an apartment for him and it was downstairs and every single morning, people, when I got up to go check on Dad, as soon as I get to the top of those stairs, my heart would start beating fast, my palms would get sweaty because I never knew what I was going to walk into that morning. That’s anticipatory grief and people with families caring for someone with dementia. Have that more than anybody else. And so learning how to help families through this is a huge, huge piece of what we do. Yeah.

Well, I’m so grateful that it’s out there and there’s, we’ll link to it. We’ll link to how maybe people can find a dementia doula, how they can become a dementia doula, uh, and more information about the program from your site. And thank you for creating this. That’s all. It’s just what keeps you up at night, right? Like you’re like, this is what we gotta do. I know, yeah, but that I know. You’re busy, PK. You’ve got a lot of things going on and it really amazing programs and stuff.

And yet, we want you to, to take care of you too. At least I do. I’ll be your self-care cheerleader. You mentioned how your faith was a big part in your caregiving experience. Like, what does self-care look like for you now? So glad you asked. So I’m in an emeritus role now here at Second Wind, so I Have an amazing CEO, Michelle Miner, who is just incredible. So she, she is taking care of managing the grants and the, you know, VDT, the ARE, all those things she’s taking care of.

So I’m able to focus on empathic transitions. So I get to be picky if I don’t want to do something. I think they just spoil me rotten. So I, yeah, well, I don’t know about that, but I really do, I really do feel that um it’s, it’s, it’s time for me to begin to let go, and that’s not an easy thing for me to do. Um, my self-care now is since I now More time on the days I can. I do. I’m 72, so I do word search puzzles and I do, yeah, just get, get away for the brain.

You bet, you bet. I play with my brain. I spend a good bit of prayer time and on the days that I can’t pull it all together, then I just don’t. You just, you just let it happen. Yeah, the brain is, you know, I used to feel guilty for doing some of those things and it’s like, no, this is working out my brain. I’m playing words with friends. I’m doing Duolingo and learning a language. And there’s a lot of, a lot of things that we can do to kind of keep our brain, you know, on all cylinders, right?

And there are some hysterical things. If you put in humor on YouTube or wherever. There are some hysterical things out there. I just listened to a comedy about the Waffle House, and it was a riot. Well, I have to look for that and share with my brother. He’s a big Waffle House guy. Well, this is hysterical. If you can, and I know it’s tough, if you can find some funny things that you can look at, and it will change your attitude. If you can’t do this. So. has a favorite joke, right?

I do. It’s a little off color, but that’s OK. That’s just me. If you have a favorite joke, what I want you to do is I want you to go into the bathroom, close the bathroom door, try to not let too many people hear it, look in the mirror and tell yourself that joke. It will crack you up and you will come out of the bathroom in a totally different space than you were when you went in because You are funny. You’re very, I love that. I love that.

Be your own comedian. And you know, we all have that girlfriend, that friend too, that is catching all the funny, you know, reels and TikToks and, you know, put them in charge. They want to help you like put them, Hey, can you send me? Can you send me a funny something funny you see every day and it just pop up in your phone and I have a friend who’s so good at that and I just have a little chuckle and Um, and that she’s helping me. She’s helping.

Well, that’s a great idea. I’m gonna steal that. That that’s what we do. We just, I learned from you. We learn from each other. Yes. Well, I have, I have a book that I wrote called the Just For You Daily Self-care Journal PK and I wanted to, you know, journaling was a big part of my healing, emotional healing through caregiving, and I wanted people to be able to try it on and see if it fit for them. So there’s no wrong answer. It’s a prompted journal, so I picked out a couple pages for you.

Oh, first question I have for you is, what celebrity would you choose to spend the day with and why? Do they have to be alive or dead? No, no, we can, we can enter whatever reality we want. OK. Um, I don’t know if you consider her a celebrity particularly, but I would love to have spent time with Helen. Hm. Yeah, what a brilliant woman. Yeah, and her teacher Anne Sullivan was incredible too, but boy, I tell you, some of the things Helen Keller wrote when she was was around are just nothing short of incredible.

I’ve never read anything by hers. Is there something you would I’ll have to see if I can link to something. Google quotes by Helen Keller. OK. Yes, I’m a words person, so I would love that. Well, that’s a good one, and I think you would learn, love to observe her as a scientist and a person to kind of learn. amazing. You kind of hitch on this one, so we’ll skip this question because we talked about your spirituality. How do you, OK. This is a good one. How would you spend a day if you had it all to yourself?

Yeah, so I would sit on my back porch after I got up, drink my coffee, do my devotionals, and then word search stuff, and then I would take myself out to lunch. I like me, so I’m OK being by myself in a restaurant or whatever. So I would take myself out to lunch, and then I would go. Discount shopping whether that’s goodwill or secondhand shop or a place that’s having a good sale and then I would catch a movie. It can even be a bad movie. I just love being in the theater and I love to be with people in the theater and then after that I would take myself back out to dinner and then I would go home.

You notice I’ve left my husband out. That’s just he’s going to listen to me like that. Yeah, um, so let’s let’s add him to dinner, OK? My husband and I go to dinner. Yeah, we can do that. Amazing. I, you know what, I, I can identify with a lot of your perfect day. I’m recently into thrifting. I love a good treasure hunt. So fun. And the memory that it sparks, you know, with, um, and I see a lot of older adults actually thrifting, and I love talking to them in the aisles and like They’re, you know, talking about the memories with their, you know, this dish or this pattern or this is good, you know, they have so much expertise too.

And so yeah, interesting. I’m really enjoying that as a thing in movies, I’m with you, like it takes a lot to be a bad movie. I just want to pop popcorn and sitting there and I’ve got this, I bring fuzzy socks with me. I, I bring a sweatshirt. I want to get cozy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And splurge on the good seats. Get the reclining seats too, for sure. And the ones with a little bit of a heater in it. Yeah. Oh, that, well, I don’t know, we don’t have those fancy ones over in the County, but that I know of.

There is a there is a self-care word search in between some of the monthly things, so you had mentioned that, so I just had flipped on that page. Well, I love it, PK like you’re doing, you’re living life without regret. And you’ve created a lot of things that are, you know, leaving a legacy behind, you’re touching lots of lives, and I’m, you know, just glad to know you and glad to share the, the good work that you’re doing. Anything you want to leave, any messages you want to leave for the caregivers listening, and then certainly, how do they find out more about where do you want to send them to get more information?

Sure, sure. The thing I want you caregivers to know is this is temporary. It feels like it’s going to be For the rest of your life and you’re stuck and you can’t move, but keep in mind that this is going to stop. There will be an end to this. So try to embrace those moments that are funny, that leave you in a place where your attitude is changed, where you’re humbled by things that your loved one does, and try to take that moment to walk in their shoes, even if you can’t do the virtual dementia tour.

You can also visit us at every Social media channel, Second Wind Dreams, and go to our website, see what’s happening there. If you want to know about where we will have the virtual dementia tour next, go to our website, see what’s happening there, but you’re going to get more information off of the social media because it moves pretty fast. So we, we would love that. I love it. Well, there’s a lot of great resources to connect to. Thank you so much, PK, for coming on the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast today, sharing your story, sharing.

The resources, and I really appreciate you taking the time to do so. Absolutely, Elizabeth, you’re a joy. Thank you. Hello, podcast listener. If you’re caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s or dementia, you don’t want to miss all’s Authors podcast Untangling Alzheimer’s and dementia. I’m your host, Mary Anne Chuuko, a registered nurse, author, and dementia daughter. In each episode, I interview one of our 300+ authors about their personal dementia story and why they chose to write about it. Sharing intimate details and painfully obtained knowledge to help you on your own journey, we share a variety of stories across all diagnoses and from a range of caregiving experiences.

You can find us on your favorite podcast platform in the whole Care Network. Remember, you are not alone. One can sing a lonely song, but we chose to form a choir and create harmony. Find us at allsauthors.com. See you soon. Thanks for listening to the Happy Healthy caregiver podcast on the whole Care Network. I hope this episode provided encouragement and practical tips to infuse into your life. You’ll find the show notes and all the resources mentioned at Hahealthycagiver.com. I also invite you to check out previous episodes of the podcast that you may have missed.

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