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Happy Healthy Caregiver Podcast, Episode 174: Creative Care with Loretta Veney

Loretta Woodward Veney cared for her mom Doris, who lived with dementia, as well as for her aunt, sister, and husband. Loretta’s care experiences prompted her to write a few books, become a trained LEGO Serious Play facilitator, and inspire others through her speaking events and engaging workshops.

In this episode, we talk about how creative play with Legos can help care partners connect and remain calm, why identifying those in your care village is critical to your success, the financial strains of caregiving and frustrations around the Medicaid Waiver process, how her faith community surrounded her with goodness after the loss of her husband, and why Loretta’s current self-care mantra is ‘stay and play’.

Scroll to the bottom of this page to see the full-show transcription.

 

Episode Sponsor – Rare Patient Voice

Do you want to earn cash in exchange for your opinion? Rare Patient Voice (or RPV) helps connect researchers with patients and family caregivers for over 700 diseases and conditions. For patients and caregivers, RPV provides the opportunity to voice their opinions to improve medical products and services while earning cash rewards. Rare Patient Voice – helping patients and caregivers share their voices! If you are interested, join the RPV panel at: https://rarepatientvoice.com/happyhealthycaregiver

 

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Words of Encouragement

Each episode starts with a few words of inspiration or motivation from the Happy Healthy Caregiver Jar. Create your jar by downloading the Caregiver  Jar inserts.  Enhance your jar with the Caregiver Jar refill pack.Caregiver Jar Inserts PDF

‘You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.’ – Dr. Seuss #CaregiverJar

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Links & Resources Mentioned

 

Hello Beautiful by Ann Napolitano

 

 

 

Being My Mom’s Mom: A Journey Through Dementia from a Daughter’s Perspective

Refreshment for the Caregiver's Spirit

Colors Flowing from My Mind!

 

Just for you a daily self care journal book cover

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Favorite moments & quotes from the episode

‘‘What it became for us was a family thing. Our thing was Lego.’ – Loretta Veney #lego #familycaregiver

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‘The motto of Lego Serious Play ensures that everyone is included and that all voices are heard. So I was going to use this for dementia; it doesn’t say all voices except people with dementia.’ – Loretta Veney #legoseriousplay #caregiving

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‘Manage your expectations…Just try to pace yourself. There is no expiration date on your caregiving journey.’ – Loretta Veney #alzheimers #dementiacaregiver #caregiver

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Full Transcription

This is the whole care network helping you tell your story. One podcast at a time content presented in the following podcast is for information purposes, only views and opinions expressed in this podcast are solely those of the host and guest and may not represent the views and opinions of the whole care network. Always consult with your physician for any medical advice and always consult with your attorney for any legal advice. And thank you for listening to the whole Care Network.
The motto of Lego Serious Play is it ensures that everyone is included and that all voices are heard. And so I was like, ok, I’m gonna use this for dementia. It doesn’t say all voices except people with dementia.
Caring for aging parents or other loved ones while working, raising Children and trying to live your own life, wondering how to find the time for your personal health and happiness. Well, you’re in the right place. Welcome to the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast to show where real family caregivers share how to be happy and healthy while caring for others. Now, here’s your host, Family Caregiver and Certified Caregiving consultant, Elizabeth Miller.
Hello, everyone. Thanks for tuning in to the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast, which is part of the whole care network. If this is your first time listening, welcome. This is a show produced biweekly to help family caregivers integrate self care and caregiving into their lives. We also are now part of the whole care network streaming radio channel. So be sure to check that out if you’d like another option to get a lot of caregiving resources and support into your listening ears. Each episode is accompanied by a show notes page.
So if you’d like more details about the topics, products and resources we speak about, you’ll find the show notes by going on to the website Happy Healthy caregiver. com and underneath the podcast menu, click the image or episode number for today’s show. The link is also going to be found in your podcast platforms. Episode description is your company looking for a speaker for their employee resource group or an organization you’re affiliated with planning an upcoming Expo conference or appreciation lunch for caregivers. If so consider passing along my name and organization as a potential speaker.
I’m available as an in person or virtual speaker and enjoy connecting with family caregivers, fast tracking them to support and resources. I’ll link to my speaker page which includes a speaker demo video in the show notes page for today’s segment of what I’m reading. I finished a book called Hello Beautiful by Anne Napolitano. It was an Oprah’s book club book. And at the time of recording, it is a nominee for the 2023 Goodreads Choice Awards in the fiction category. It’s essentially a family story and it plays homage to Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women book.
It was given to me as a recommended read by my husband, husband’s aunt. She said that pieces of it reminded her of my big family, particularly the sister element. It’s an epic family saga spanning 25 plus years and I tend to like books with chapters from different character perspectives. I particularly like the first quarter and the last quarter of the book, the middle may be dragged out a little bit for me. But I love the sister component and the whole bond that the family blood has. They’re writing about various emotions such as guilt, depression, anxiety, grief, resentment, love is really spectacular.
And I found myself reading these portions and saying yes, that is what this emotion feels like. Families and humans are flawed and secrets are not healthy and healing comes by sharing and being vulnerable. I gave it four out of five stars and a link to it in the show notes page. I have said before that sometimes Netflix is self care and other streaming platforms as well. And I’ve listed that before in one of my blog posts and I’ll link to that too. But this time for this episode, one of my favorite things is a particular show that is on Netflix and it’s called Nyad ny ad and it’s a gem.
It’s a two hour biopic movie that I think that any caregiver and really anyone interested in us, history and women would enjoy. So athlete Diana Nyad sets out at 60 years old to achieve a nearly impossible lifelong dream to swim from Cuba to Florida across more than 100 miles of open ocean. It’s a nail biter. Frankly, it stars Annette Bening and Jodie Foster who do an amazing job acting. It’s an inspiring story of perseverance, goal setting, hope and it’s based on a real us female hero that I didn’t even really know much about.
I’d never heard of her before tuning into the show. The friendship between Jodie Foster and Annette Bening’s characters is definitely gets tested and one of my favorite lines was when Jodie Foster says her name was Bonnie in the show, says to Annette Bening Diana, do you have any idea how exhausting you are as a friend? And it kind of reminded me of something I’d want to say to a care recipient at times. Do you know how exhausting sometimes you can be to care for and yet we were still there and are still there supporting them and showing up this biopic is rated PG 20233 and I will link to it in the show notes so that you can check it out on Netflix before we get into today’s Caregiver spotlight episode.
I want to shine A on our episode sponsor, Rare Patient Voice. Do you wanna earn cash in exchange for your opinion? Rare patient voice or R PV. Helps connect researchers with patients and family caregivers for over 700 diseases and conditions for patients and caregivers. R PV provides the opportunity to voice their opinions to improve medical products and services while earning cash rewards, rare patient voice, helping patients and caregivers share their voices if you are interested, join the R PV panel at Rare patient voice. com/happy, healthy caregiver.
Let’s meet today’s caregiver in the spotlight, Loretta Woodward Veni cared for her mom, Doris who lived with dementia and she also cared for her aunt, her sister, her husband and many others. Loretta’s care experiences prompted her to write a few books, become a trained LEGO serious play, facilitator and inspire others through her speaking events and engaging workshops. In this episode, we talk about how creative play with LEGOS can help care partners connect and remain calm. Why identifying those in your care village is critical to your success as a family caregiver.
The financial strains of care giving and frustrations around the Medicaid waiver process, how her faith community surrounded her with goodness after the loss of her husband Tim and why Loretta’s current self care mantra is stay and play. Enjoy the show. Loretta. Great to be chatting with you today. Welcome to the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast. Hello, Elizabeth. Great to be here. Yes, I’m so excited to just dive into our conversation, but we always start the episodes off because I know you believe in a lot of inspiration, motivation too.
So this is my happy, healthy caregiver jar. It’s like a collection of quotes and things that have resonated for me as a caregiver that now I share with other caregivers through a PDF. And let’s see what your quote says today, Loretta, I’d love to get your thoughts on this. It says you have brains in your head, you have feet in your shoes, you can steer yourself any direction you choose. And we love a good rhyme. And that’s from Dr Seuss. Actually, you have brains in your head, feet in your shoes, you can steer yourself any direction you choose.
What does that make you think of? What do you think of caregiving and self care? And, ah, sometimes you need to use your brain and walk away. Oh, yeah. I, I think that is, you know, sort of k wrapped up in one. Your brain is usually always saying you need to be doing this and this and this and this. Ok. And there’s never nothing on that list. So sometimes you just have to put your, your feet in those shoes and choose to go outside, whether it’s five minutes for a walk or to get ice cream or, you know, whatever.
I, I think there are lots of times and sometimes when we hear from caregivers, some of what we hear is, you know, I’m spinning out of control and all that and a lot of times that is because we don’t walk away for a minute when we should. Yeah, it’s true. We can get in our own way. Sometimes I know I was guilty of that during different caregiving seasons. And we, we, we feel like we’re, you know, in the right place, but sometimes it is good to just kind of stop and assess and figure out what’s going on.
Well, you know, I know a little bit about you, Loretta, but I know that some people might just be meeting you for the first time. Uh I know you cared for your mom and you called her effectually affectionately wonder woman. I love that. I hope my kids call me Wonder woman someday. And, you know, and then you’ve also cared for other people, but tell us a little bit about your caregiving experience. So, yeah, even before, you know, my mom, my first practice, it really was practice, it was classes and everything was my grandmother and we made this team, you know, she had colon cancer, so she needed to have the operation where you have the colostomy bag.
So you had to watch a video and then practice on the dummy how to do it. And we were going to be doing this in shifts. So we knew that, that, you know, was a story and that’s probably the first time I have ever told that story. But somebody else asked me recently who knew I went to a funeral uh at uh for a person who was a neighbor years and years ago in a place where I grew up in DC. And somebody was mentioning once when my grandmother fell down and then we all had to help her.
That was really how we began to realize that something was going on with her. And so she was like, and she said something like y’all took such good care of her. I was like, wow, I didn’t even know that that was the beginning of my thing because, you know, we had this little sign up sheet and you would sign up for the shift that you want to do, but you had to know how to do that bag. And I remember my sister missed the class and so I had to do her shift one time until she took the class because you couldn’t do it unless you did it because you know, that could call a nurse in infection.
Yeah, you do anyway. So then fast forward uh the years, not years, I think that was probably 98 1998 or so. And my mom was diagnosed in 2006. So not that far apart. And so you learn, you can’t do it by yourself. And you know, some of those, you know, kinds of things. So my mom was diagnosed, that was a weird, weird, weird, weird, um, with dementia correctly. Yes. And right around two weeks after my mother was diagnosed with dementia, my sister was diagnosed with MS. Uh, and I had been, you know, we knew my mom had something and I had told my sister I was going with her to the appointment.
Um, but my sister was having all kinds of issues and lost her sight for a while and we just couldn’t figure out she ended up getting fired from her job. I didn’t know you could fire somebody who was sick. But ok, and so I was trying to take care of them. Oh, she was head of um head start in Maryland. And so it was a, you know, big job and everything. So anyway, I knew this wasn’t gonna go well and after it was finally, you know, diagnosed, you know what it was, I took her to live with my sister to live with my niece because I knew I couldn’t take care of them both.
My sister was already need, she already needed, you know, help so that, you know, was a thing. So I did long distance caregiving for her and then caregiving with my mom. I talk about it in the book. Some but II I don’t talk about that, um, that much but people, some people who know me well know that that all happened in the space of a few weeks and then we called it the trifecta and then a couple of weeks after that, my mother’s little sister who was 19 years younger, she and my sister were only 3.5 years apart and she was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer and they said she would live six months and she died and she died, we took care of her.
And so it was all, it was just, you’re a serial caregiver. That’s what I call six. It was hard. And, you know, one of the reasons why one of my, you know, greatest lessons, you know, was caregiving is, you know, uh kind of have a backup plan. We had always assumed, you see, you should never assume that my aunt would, the youngest one would be around to help us the rest of the cousins with our moms and it did not play out that way. And so, you know, it really was just, you know, us.
So, II I think right at the beginning you learn, you know, a lot of interesting. Were you working? Were you? Yeah. And the great part about when my mom was first diagnosed, I had just started a job two weeks before her diagnosis and it was two blocks from my job where she lived. Yeah. So I could go up there and have lunch and that was the coolest job ever. And everybody knew about the diagnosis and everything and, you know, um, it was cool. It felt like your work, work environment.
Was supportive for you. Yes, very much so. And, and even the job I had after that they were as well. So, yeah, I didn’t quit my job until, uh COVID during COVID. So many caregivers were calling me Elizabeth that I quit my job. That’s how I ended up quitting my job. Yeah. Well, you and I have a similar story there. I was working and I resigned in May of 2021. Um You know, I think we got, we were part of the great resignation Loretta. That’s what you know. Yeah.
And you know, it, you get clarity in those times of what’s going on. And it’s like, no, this is, this is, listen, if it were easy, everyone would do it. And I know, I know you’re pounding it, like I’m pounding it and it’s, we’re definitely not all in it for the money, but we do have to make a living. Um But helping caregivers is definitely something that we, we share and um glad to have you as a, as a peer in this space when you reflect back, like on your caregiving journey and various journeys really?
Like what were some of these key resources, tools strategies that you felt like in hindsight were really helpful for you that you would want to fast track other people to sooner rather than later. So the, the first was kind of funny, you know, the Alzheimer’s Association, I don’t know anything about the dementia Alzheimer’s and all that. And so y you know, I, I think on the way out of the doctor’s office there was a little brochure or something, I guess I picked it up and on the back of it, you know, I talked about some seminars or something, you know, free.
You could go, not all of them were free but some of them were. And, uh, I probably went to every one of those, like the first couple of months, I’m sure they were like he come that girl again because I was always there like I’m sitting in the front row and I’m learning all this stuff. Oh my God. So yeah, like you’re gonna hear better or make it better if you sit in the front. But anyway, um, so I did that and you know, all of the checklist lists and things they have in the documents, a ARP same thing, the um prepare to care, you know, all different documents you get and you learn about, you know, all the things that you need.
I’m, I was a list kind of girl anyway, you know, I come from the security industry where you have to, when people’s safety are, you know, uh at risk, you have to follow different things like a fire alarm, you know, you did fire drills in school. So yeah, we did drills and we did all that stuff. So you plan for those kind of things. So I tried to approach my caregiving role in that same way. What do we need? When are we gonna need it? How are we gonna get out?
You know, we get it, stay in and things might be. And so, um I think that was it the one resource I would say, I wish I could take it. You, there are so many things you don’t know, you don’t know. So I had never heard of the Waiver. It’s a Medicaid waiver program. It is a low income program where if uh, seniors are gonna have difficulty, uh, you know, paying their rent or whatever, it’s a program designed to keep people in their homes longer instead of going to long term care, which most low income people could never afford anyway.
So I didn’t know about that. I knew that depending on how long this journey was. My mother was gonna outlive my money. It was as simple as that. So try not to go bankrupt down the road. I, but you had already spent through her money. Now. She’s on to your money. So, you know, not all of it, but like, um, when it first started out after she ran out of, you know, her savings, she had quite a bit of savings. So we ran through that and then, so I would say that was here.
Hm. Four or five, I guess. And then, and after three years after her diagnosis, so 2009, I finally learned of this resource. I’m like, oh, this is great. I didn’t write the book tool who shared it with you, who shared the resource. I went to a um one of these uh caregiver summits, I believe it was in Baltimore. I, I think it was right along that time when I met some of the people that I work with now at Johns Hopkins. And so um that’s why they had a table.
And I was like, oh, so like, why is it so hard? My point of asking you this question, Loretta is like, why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to like it’s so fragmented and it’s, and you’re story starts back, you know, years ago, mine starts years ago, we’re still kind of there where like we’re caregivers are showing up in the offices and they are just trying to scavenger and duct tape it and put it all together until they hopefully stumble on someone like you or me or another, you know, speaker coach that can, that can fast track it to it.
So it’s like we need to, we need to do better here, we do. And so I was on that list. So 2009, when I put my name on that list, there were 2.53,800 people under this in, in, in your state of Maryland because this is a state specific and it’s run, it was run out of Baltimore at the department of agents and uh it took eight years and six months, eight years, six months. Did your mom even, did she even get to benefit from this? Yeah. Every, every year they would call and say, do you want to remain on this?
Don’t take my name off that list. They would call you every year every and then when they called you. So the first clue that you’re getting close to the top and, you know, this is a really sad list. Um and a really sad situation, Elizabeth because, you know, in the back of your mind, you know, you are waiting for 23,000 people to die or right? Or their child comes from Atlanta and says, ok, mom, you’re coming to live with me so they pack up your stuff and take you out of the state.
Those are the only two ways people got off in Georgia. We have a late list as well. Like last, last I heard it was 7, 7000 people. So maybe, you know, they stopped taking names here a couple of years ago. I don’t know what the status is now. I mean, they were never gonna, you know, clear that up. And so it was interesting the financial impact that people had because um when we first were adding to a rent uh at the group home and then where she lived, we were just probably doing three or 405 100 then it went to 709 100.
And by the time we got to 20243 ish, uh we were paying $1500 a month to toward her rent. And that was cool when my husband was still alive. That was less cool when he died. So you kind of like, oh, I love. But thankfully, thankfully, thankfully, the book came out, my first book came out in 2013. And so every speech I gave and every, you know, book I sold went to pay for my mom’s care. And it was so funny. My mother’s favorite thing to say was, you know, I have to pay my own way.
I’m thinking, yeah, girl, you keep thinking that she just thought this was like magic and I can’t imagine the stress level for you, Loretta and I’m sorry for your loss of your husband and, and your, your various loved ones. And it, it got down to me and her, which was the way. See, that’s, this is what we get. Elizabeth. Me and my sister used to joke all the time that my mother was gonna outlive all of us. You know, she was the oldest of uh four and so she outlived the sisters and her other child.
You know, her son-in-law. You’re like, it’s so crazy. My sister and my husband died on the same day, five years apart. Wow. And it was interesting. And so my, one of my other biggest lessons and I was just talking about this the other day. And where was I the other day? Rochester, New York. And we were, we, we did some LEGO stuff, but we were building it around the four greatest lessons I learned from being my mom’s mom. And the second one was, um, you know, sort of be prepared for everything but be ready for anything and, you know, have a backup plan.
I didn’t have a backup. Uh, I knew, I wasn’t sure how long my, my sister had a lot of illnesses as did I over the years. Um But when she got MS, you know, they said when you get in your fifties and she only lived like 3.5 years or so. So it went pretty, you know, fast, but I still thought I’d be fine because, you know, I had Tim and so we were team beanie. It was so cool. And so when he died, I was like, oh, it was I, when did your husband die?
Loretta say again, what year did your husband die? 2016? So it’s been seven years. So he did. So I still had seven years to go with her and by then it was just me and her. So I was so terrified literally of getting COVID. But I’m all she had it worked out incredibly well for me because uh when he died, the, my church had put together a support group just for me. And um what they asked me to do was to write down all the things Tim did for my mother and each one of them took a thing.
So, yeah. So, and what was, what was really amazing about that was that, you know, Tim did everything for her and how we were, we really were a team because I was, you know, still working, as I said. And so he was a retired D DC cop. So he, he retired at like 47 something like that. 46. 0 my God, he was young. And so I would, he would pick up if my mom had a doctor’s appointment, he would pick her up at the non assisted living. He would drive her to the doctor’s appointment.
I would leave work, meet them at the doctor’s appointment, do the doctor’s appointment. And then I go back to work, they went to the mall and sh and love to the museum. They, I mean, they were inseparable. I, I was, when he died, I was like, you know, what am I gonna tell? My mother? My mother had forgotten. By the time my sister died, my mother had forgotten. She had two kids and you know, her being in California, she hadn’t seen her for three or four years and we couldn’t do facetime because my sister lost her vocal abilities fairly early on.
And so when she did talk, she sounded like she was drunk and that scared my mother, she learned so we couldn’t even, you know, do that. So I would talk to my sister and um, give her updates and stuff and she would not, even if, you know, she couldn’t, um, ask questions or sometimes she would write it down and hold it up and then, you know, we would, we would do that and I was there when she died. I, I flew to L A and I saw her a lot actually.
Oh, I just want to hug you, Loretta. I just want to put my arms around you and give you a big hug. And yet, you know, at the same time, like I know you radiate life like I’ve heard you speak and um I’ve watched you on different things and I know people listening though as I want to backtrack a little bit to something you said is like it took you 88 years and six for the Medicaid waiver. You, you know, you’re down to a single income. You don’t have a lot of financial support options.
Like the question they are thinking right now is like, what did she do? Like how did she get to the, how did she bridge the gap between that and your Medicaid waiver? Like, oh, that’s a great. So yeah, I mean, the thankfully by the time we got off the list and they take, you know, her little, I think her monthly income from her 31 years in the federal government, we were like $50. I mean, you can’t buy a closet these days with that. And so that, that was her.
Oh, let’s not forget the, I think 100 at 1.100 and 50 I think the most she ever got from social security was $224 a month. And that was right before she died. And so I don’t know what you’re supposed to do with those small amounts of money but whatever. Um, so for me, you know, really it was about, um, you know, just doing the speaking and all of that so I could comfortably do all those things without her having to, you know, worry about. Um, and because, you know, you still had to buy the, the pens, you know, because when she couldn’t have known, you know, she went to a group home, well, you had to buy all the supplies and things, you know, until you got into those programs.
So, for me, you know, it was really, I missed this phase when I, I had a stepdaughter because when I met her, she was eight. So she was past that diaper. So, so, you know, that was my first foray into having to go get, you know, the pens and all that kind of stuff, miss the wipes and, you know, all the stuff you didn’t, I hadn’t ever done. And so, um, yeah, it was just an amazing learning curve. But I, you know, in hindsight, uh you know, you think you, you and your spouse is gonna live forever.
Um And so Tim’s passing just so suddenly it was just such a rude awakening that you’re kind of like, wow, you know, what could have, I have done differently. I do get that question a lot. What would you have done differently? And I don’t think I would have done anything differently per se. What I would have done I think is, and I did some of that. I was gonna say have some people who could step in. So, like, for example, I try not to travel too much when my mom was still alive.
Um, I mean, I did travel but I would try to only be gone like a night or so. Now I can stay a couple of days and hike and see the town and all that stuff. Whereas before I would rush back. So she, you know, and by then she wouldn’t even know I was gone, but I tried doing that. So, but if I had, um, there were a couple of ladies at church who were friends, but we also um occupational therapists and, and so when I would go away, they would take over some matching stuff for her to do and stuff like that.
So that was cool. So they made sure somebody was visiting her even if I wasn’t in town. So that was good. So I, I would have done more of that. Like I tell people, I actually show a couple of schedule things where you can have your little team, your village. I have a picture that I show of this humongous mountain range in Switzerland where we hiked. And in my book, it says, um in my second book which is mostly pictures. The caption I added to that picture, the mountains are just gorgeous and it’s a little village.
You see all these little houses like 231 some houses in this little cluster. And I, if I’m doing it in person, I will have people get out a piece of paper and write down all the names of the people in their village. I said, because when look at these mountains are wonderful, I said, but when it snows, they can’t get out of it. So they have to help each other cook and somehow get, you know, pharmacy to drugs or whatever you people, the older people need. So they depend on each other, you know, in this little village because if they don’t help each other, nobody succeeds.
So I tell people to write out who’s in your village and don’t wait till it snows to figure out who your village is. So that’s why. And because the captain is like, you know, mountains are, these mountains are gorgeous but they can also feel heavy. And the po I mean, it is too much. It was part, it was on the sound of music to, you know, we don’t even have a hiking clothes. We hiking all these 22022 year old people who grew up there passing us. I did that Sound of Music tour too.
I love it. I love, I love that area. It’s amazing. You’ve touched on so many different things. I love the concept of the care village and the, and the mountains you touched on the fact about paid speakers and I know you and I are trying to like lead the charge potentially with some other people on like paid professional speaking for caregivers and people like we’ve already done, we’ve got our, our masters in caregiving from the experience that we have. And we can really help a lot of people whether they’re employers or organizations or um you know, caregiving expos and lunch and learn so tap into that, like tap into that and, and, and don’t expect it for free.
Like we’ve got bills to pay and sometimes in your case, you’re probably still trying to catch up from some of that. Um It was for you for later. Yes, because you could, you do need it because you don’t know what, that’s the other thing. You know, I’m gonna be 22023 in a couple of weeks. So you kinda like, OK, man, you know, you get to that point where I would say, how much longer are you gonna do this? Because I mean, I have a ton of energy and I, I think, you know, I was sick for a long time when I was in my late twenties, early thirties and late into my late thirties, I was sick for a long time.
And so I was like, ok, maybe I got all that all the way early. So this will be, this is like the best part of my life. But yeah, I think that’s true. What I do. What I would say about the page speaking is this, I think that we um we are always willing to make concessions. So if I do things for state people, a lot of them have very limited budgets, I’m cool with that. Um If they, if I do encourage people to get sponsors and things like that.
So I, I mean, we can, we’ll work with it, work through it. Yeah, absolutely. And, but yeah, I think there is a thing sometimes. So I, I think if people keep their expectations reasonable then yes, you know, we can work because you don’t want to, I can hear my mother saying, do it anyway. You know, because somebody in that audience really needs it. And then when you go and you do it, even if it was kind of like against your better judgment or you knew somebody was taking advantage of you, you met a person there who was like in tears or something who really needed it and then you’re really glad you, yeah.
And maybe there’s other ways, like you said, like, sometimes they buy books and inside the speaker fee or in addition, sometimes you can, you can get um recommendations and reviews or maybe they’re gonna share video content that’s gonna help you with your social or so there is a lot of way to slice video things I have gotten, you know, I went to Portland just a few weeks ago and one of the things I loved about that is that I was gonna miss the conference. But my suggestion was because my cousin lived right down the street.
I was like, what I’m gonna be in Portland. What if we recorded it and then you play it at the conference and they were like, oh, and then I wore the same thing. I was in New York that day doing the LEGO thing for the Alzheimer’s Foundation of America and it was gonna be over right when on the Pacific Coast, right? When they were finishing up the thing. So, so II I leave the Alzheimer’s, I, I run into this conference room. They put me in and I, you know, I got in the office so they like, and you can hear the music playing and here she is live and I’m like, uh and here’s the thing, Loretta, like caregivers, family, caregivers have lots of skills.
And one of them is that they are very creative problem solvers. And so I double dog dare you to bring a problem to a caregiver that they can’t kind of like, try to figure out how to, how to navigate through this because they have had to show up and be resilient and just get, get through it. Let’s, let’s talk about your, you’ve mentioned kind of the LEGOS we’ve talked about some and I want to kind of dive into some of those like a creative care. Like that’s what I really, when I think of you like the creative care tools that you share with people.
How did all of this come about? Like how did this creativity and lego life come about for you? Yeah. So the lego thing came about because my mom, you know, bought me a box of legos when I was five. I don’t remember the, you know, the day or anything, but I remember being a very little person and having Lego bricks and so she did not buy, I’m sure it was because she couldn’t afford it. Um I was, I felt bad when I got to be of age where I realized how much legos cost like, oh my gosh, but she just bought us a box of just mixed up bricks, right?
Not the plane train, automobile kind of thing. Just she wanted us to use our own imaginations, right? So what it became for us was just a family thing. You know how people sat around and played monopoly and all that I think was Lego. And so if some boy didn’t like me at school we built with Lego. If she had a hard day at work, we built with Lego. I mean, if I, if we, I got all A’s we built with Lego. I mean, Lego was good, bad, ugly, you know, it was the thing.
But what, but what I noticed right away today, I would say my mom had a lot of anxiety and depression. But what I noticed is that whenever we were building with LEGO, she was very calm. She didn’t need her. What my sister and I called, what I now would say was a probably an antidepressant. Um She would, she was so relaxed with the legos. We had surgery time and we could talk about anything and so fast forward to her the day of her diagnosis and you know, we get in the car and of course, she’s devastated Elizabeth.
And so I know I had this bag of Legos in my car and I had a little um lap desk kind of thing tethered to my uh dashboard. So to keep my mom calm in the car instead of her saying I wanna go home, I wanna go home, I wanna go home 22.5 times. I would get the Legos out and she would build well that day, I asked her to build how she felt about her dementia diagnosis and she didn’t exactly do that. So instead she gets out her little LEGO, one of these little lego people, I don’t have the hair on it like she had.
So, you know, you have the little thing and I asked her to build, you know how she felt and instead she pops the head off that thing, she holds it up and she says, I feel like in a few years I’m gonna lose my head and I put that on social media and people went crazy like, oh my gosh, look at how she chose to represent that. Were you already? I was not. So that no. So that’s a great question. Ok. So, so she was diagnosed in 22024 and, and around 1303, 2130, I started looking into this thing called Lego Serious. What?
And it was designed has nothing at all to do with dementia or caregiving. It was designed for one purpose that was to help businesses have better success. So in other words, um they wanted to catch Mattel as the number one toy company in the world and they were not that. So they were asking people to look into it. So they got some academicians in the UK and said, you know, how can we be like better, stronger, faster. We got this great toy and they weren’t, they, they had flirted with bankruptcy at one point, but it wasn’t then.
So they asked some people to see how they could do this thing. So they came up with this um theory. That’s magnificent. So you know how you go to a regular meeting. One or two people talk, the rest of the people sit there and not a lot. Right. And so you got the CEO, the coo all the, all the initials and they make all the decisions and you know how sometimes we’ve work places and you think to yourself, I could do a better job than that. You know, you did.
I always ask you to raise your hands if you’ve ever thought that I could do a better job than that person you like. But nobody ever asked you, what do you think? So how like what LEGO say, how, how it is designed is the motto of lego Serious Play is it ensures that everyone is included and that all voices are heard. And so I was like, OK, I’m gonna use this for dementia. It doesn’t say all voices except people with dementia, right? And they were thinking about diversity, equity inclusion, accessibility long before probably anybody else was access.
But yeah, they didn’t have those people until today. But yeah, that was it. So now, so that’s how it works. So, so now when you have a meeting, you, you give people this task to build with these Lego bricks and then they build it and they tell their story. So they hold up this little thing you pointing out to all the little parts of it here. So like a thing, this orange piece reminds me of the sun rise as we watch together whatever and you tell your story.
So basically over LEGOS, so you tell your whole story and it was designed to help businesses. So if like if I go to uh assisted living place, which and I’ve done this and you ask everybody in the room to build a model that represents if you could, we know this is a great place to work. But if you could add or change one thing to make it even better, what would that be? And I mean, it’s always the people without the title that has the best answers.
In one case, the woman’s title was, she was the morale person, I guess, is a great way to put it. But her title was like Coffee Cart. She would go, it’s just like it sounds, she would go around this little cart pushing this cart, it had cups of coffee and tea and granola bars and whatnot. So, you know, she knew everything. So when we went around the room, I’m sitting next to the CEO. She has like the best idea ever. He looks at me, how long has she been here?
220 years? And they had never had a conversation and she ended up getting a big bonus and everything for that idea. Now, you know, would that have ever come up and, and especially young people say this to me all the time. If they’re the in an organization where most of the people are, you know, in their late forties, fifties, sixties, you know, and you got the little 220 year olds running around people, like, oh, what do they know? They know a lot and you probably should talk to them.
So, but they, they bring different experiences, different, different, most of the time when they have their idea and to share the idea, nobody listens. And this one kid, same kind of situation had the best idea he wanted in the adult day program. He wanted to have dinner. His suggestion was to have like a movie night where I’m not your caregiver that day, we just two friends watching the movie, right? So the adult Children whose parents were in this adult day, but they came and they cooked spaghetti and everybody had popcorn and they all sat in the recliners, they invited me and they all said it and the boy was so proud.
He was like probably his first job out of high school. I think he was 19 or 20. He calls his mom from the Lego room. He said mom, they took my idea. They did my idea, you know, and all the places he’s, he’s gonna go from there. It was so cool that I went to and an executive director said to me later, I would never ever have thought of doing that ever. Where once you’re not saying, take your pills, oh, you didn’t do your PT today. We just some friends watching the movie and the dynamics in that room.
Everybody was hugging and that never would have come up. So does the world need more lego serious play facilitators for the care? Yeah. Yeah. So, so um you know, I won a Mod award this year and for innovative ways of communicating with people, right? Because my mother was of the mindset that if you find a solution that works, you don’t keep it to yourself, you share with other people. It’s as simple as that. And so I started doing it at, you know, other than with my mother at adult days, and I’ve had people talk again, they hadn’t talked in a long time.
And so, you know, I just started, it just took off from there. So not only giving them tasks to build favorite memory, I’ve had people talk, you know, after three or four years about a cruise, they went on 15 years ago that happened at sunrise senior living. That was a crazy day. Um And then when the aunt, I mean, the niece asked her aunt, why she never talked about this cruise that they had gone on. You know, she just all of a sudden started talking while they’re building this cruise ship with Lego Bridge and the whole place just fell apart.
People were crying, people were taking pictures, it was craziness. And so the niece looks at her aunt and says, auntie, you remember the cruise? And she was like, of course, I remember it. She was like, you know, she said, you never talk about it. And the aunt said you never asked me. Yeah, it’s one of the things like I feel like when you’re saying that like the my journal is a prompted journal. One of the things I’ve seen that people do with it is use the questions to connect and ask other people because you are so like as caregivers, we’re sometimes just doing, doing, doing that.
We need to just live and connect and enjoy these people’s company. And then one of the, you know, one of the partners I’ve had in the past that all include in the show notes too is like connectivity box, like where it’s a box that gets delivered, same kind of thing. It’s like these aren’t about like completing the little diy things and the same way it’s not about for you like doing the LEGO thing. It is the connection that is coming from this creative play. And what you’re also reminded me of Loretta is like my mom, she had some cognitive things at the end of life.
She was bedridden. But you’re reminding me of a lot of really good times I had with my mom where we would play games. We would play Connect four or Uno or we would do adult color and we use, we didn’t use Legos. I’m kind of regretting that but we use play doh like we did a lot of good. Yeah, I tell people it’s just you have to find your thing. It might not be LEGOS. But it, it’s so funny because now I get the question all the time because everybody looks at my earrings.
Oh, you got on Lego earrings? Oh You bracelets? I do have a Lego bracelet and they like, oh legos. So everybody asked about it. So I get to the airport. I got these huge bags of lego Legos in there. The TS a some in TS A called me the Lego lady. And so it just kind of stuck. You are the Lego lady. So it’s, you know, it’s kind of a cool thing who wouldn’t want, who wouldn’t want to be that and you know that to end up um you know, having Robin Roberts say your name on Good Morning America because it’s a Lego groups.
That’s a thing. So you kind of like, oh yeah, I’m gonna link to some of your articles and that um Robin Roberts thing is a great thing. I mean, listen as solo Preneurs, if someone’s listening and you have like access to media stuff like earned media for us is everything like we cannot, we cannot pay like the big dogs play with um you know, paying for social ads and all that. So, so help, help the folks out with the earned media opportunities. You’ve got three books I think, right?
I had the coloring book. We did it for her 90th birthday. Colors flowing from my, my and then I had the picture book of all these places. My husband Tim and I had gone over the years. That was one of the, the most amazing things that he’s not here. He had helped pick out, you know, the 150 some odd pictures that are in the book. And so I, of course, I dedicated it to him. You know, we pick, we both took all the pictures that are in the book and, you know, with the sayings and so he knew that it was gonna be, but it came out like, um, three or four weeks after he died.
And so, um, I know, but yeah, he knew exactly what was gonna be in it. And these were just photos that we really love. So I, one of the things that is at least acceptable about him not being here is that we didn’t wait till we retired to travel. We went three quarters of the way around the world. So that part is Amen makes it a lot better. So, um, you, you didn’t wait till the end of life to live and the Millers are the same as, as, um team Veni is that we, we, we travel, we like to, we experience life.
And what I love about that is that you get to use all the senses like it just heightened everything. Yes. Absolutely. And you know, one of the reasons why I loved my trip to Europe, this, this a couple of months ago was because, you know, especially you are in front of us in terms of dementia and you know how it’s, you know, the stig much less stigma there than here. Um So it was very cool talking to carers over there as they call them. And so that was a neat experience.
And then of course, going to Lego headquarters where the one of the guys who helped create lego series play and he was one of the speakers, you know, he was going around to meet all the people he didn’t know because they have, they have this conference every year and they were doing building resilience this year, which is one of the things I work on with Hopkins who is probably my largest client and um it, you know, so he came around, he gets to me and he said, hi, you know, I don’t think I’ve seen you before, you know, what do you do?
So I say, you know, I use Legos because he said, how do you use lego Series? But I said, oh, I use it with people with dementia. Say that again, I repeat it. He said, do you have photos of you doing that? I said, yeah, he said a lot. He said, let me see some photo, I flashed through some photos. He’s just said, and then you know, so the conference is gonna start. He said, we’ll talk more. And I, he went over to that, he was talking, I knew they were talking about me.
I wanted a few people doing this that and I had looked for somebody for a lot that was, there’s nobody else really doing it in this. What? So, and the reason he got so he was so struck by it turns out I had made these, um, little fidget toy things and I had given one to each of the uh conference organizers. And so, you know, this was, this has kept my mom sane in the car in DC traffic. So and by the way, if you’re listening, she’s showing this on the videos, you can go to the show notes and see the videos and it’s really cool.
And so I make these in all kinds of colors and sizes and stuff anyway. So I gave one to each of the just and he got his, I have pictures of it. He’s spin and he said, would you be upset if I gave this to him? So he explains that this guy he used to work with for years and one of his best friends ever has it. And he said, would it be ok with you if I gave it to him? And I was like, no, that would be awesome.
And I never expected the man to send me, he sent me a picture and the guy’s face was like, yes, like, listen, dementia is not a death sentence like it is. There people can, yes, you can live amazingly with um with dementia and you know, as you’re talking to LA, I’m thinking like I, I don’t know if you know this about me, but I have a brother that’s got a developmental and intellectual disability. He’s, he’s 60 years old and we, we with the siblings, like my parents are deceased now.
So it’s us figuring it out for Tom. But I’m gonna try the Legos as a holiday gift this year and we do our Tom Tuesdays and I’m gonna see if I’m gonna do my own little experiment to see if Legos can bring Tom and I together. Yes. Um because I think it’s still a brain thing, right? He’s neurodivergent like it, it is. I actually did a thing last year. I had never heard of this place. It’s like 203 minutes from my house and it’s a, it’s called brain injury services.
It’s exactly as it sounds. So kids who, you know, fell off the skateboard, ran into a tree, skiing, eyes and stuff, anything like car accident, whatever. Yeah. And I did it for their staff and somebody’s an activity coordinator saw it on somebody something and they, they went back to work said you gotta have this woman on. So I did the whole staff and so funny you asked, should there be more people doing this? So now I’m training other people to become facilitators. Yeah, I’m doing that for the first time, I’m tempted to be like sign me up and I’m like, girl, you cannot do one other thing like you know, yes, let Loretta, I cannot do another thing.
Um Loretta, we we you’re an amazing like I love, I love the stuff that you’re doing. I love that you put joy in your life. Like this is coming out this episode in the, in 2024. So one of the things we do every year is like the 2224 list is what we’re gonna call it. It is a way to encourage caregivers to infuse more joy in their day. This is not about resolutions, things like that. This is like maybe you want to add play with Legos on your 20 for 24 list or travel or do something that is going to like infuse joy.
So I’m gonna link to that in the show notes. Um And yeah, and a lot of the things the book links that we talked about and some of the stuff that we didn’t get to like, I’m gonna put some of the other things I’ve, you know, done my detective stuff on, on Loretta to prepare for this. But we we gotta save a few minutes for the, the lightning round. So if you’re good with it, you’re right. Um No pressure. What celebrity would you choose to spend the day with Oprah and why I would love to um you know, she has her little favorite things.
I’d like to do a list. I would love a serious play with her. Yeah, she does it. Everyone’s doing it. So, like I like that. Yeah, I love it. I love it. I love it. Um, and I feel like we need a whole talk show around caregiving. So think of Loretta and not someone else needs to do it, but we’re happy to, to come on it. Yeah. Yeah. Um Let’s see. Um What’s your self care plan now? Like you’re, you know, you’re working hard, you’re taking care of a lot of people.
We can, we can be at risk for getting compassion, fatigue ourselves because we hear a lot of heavy stuff. So like what is, what’s your self care plan? I love my self care plan. I’m very proud of it. So um my mom died on January 31st of 2022. So I dedicated 2023 of course to her, but also now that I didn’t have to rush back. So here’s my plan. I, if I worked three days, like I did three days of filming, for example, 2.5 days for home and stay in Nebraska in Omaha.
That’s their headquarters. I had never been to Nebraska. So they were nice enough to let me stay some days and it’s beautiful and the the hotel was self care enough. It was just gorgeous place that had been closed for a while that they renovated, I went to the zoo who knew Omaha had the number three zoo in the whole world. And a woman that I had never met, who was co moderating a support group, online support group with me, lived in, outside of Omaha, me and her spent the entire day at the zoo.
And so I’m very proud to say that I now I play, stay in plays and play as much as I have worked. And that went, did wonder the whole Portland part of the trip when that person said that they would, you know, do the recording. I was going to Portland anyway to see my cousins and stay there after my long, I did a trek through the state of Washington, but I had a day off in between the seven days. I was in the state of Washington. So I, I hiked where I could see Mount Rainier.
Some people who used to live in DC that now live in Seattle met me. They took me on a different hike. I hike with some people I didn’t know that I met because they, they didn’t have a lot of signs. I was scared, I was gonna get lost. They let me tag along with them. And so I’m not afraid to ask people. So like, really, really, really proud of that because I was a wreck when I would, you know, fly somewhere and speak, rush back to the airport, fly here.
And then rush to work the next. Oh, my God. I, I did that for like, four years and, and after my husband died. So it was kinda, that’s crazy. So, now you can just kind of who’s staying in play. It’s the new, it’s the new philosophy. It’s the new way. I love you in 2024. Well, if your travels ever bring you to Atlanta, I want to be your hike partner. I’m gonna, we might have to do a thing. I’m coming to Myrtle Beach. You think that? Yeah, I’ll feed you.
Well, um, anybody’s coming to Atlanta, I need to know about that. So I’ll write that down. Yes. That’s amazing. Let’s see. I like that question because I’m doing it. I’m very excited. Yeah, I mean, looking ahead, I think this is the kind of be the last question for this is like looking ahead your to do list, like we can get so overwhelmed by everything on our to do list. How do you make your, to do list? More manageable? So, yeah, I think you have to just stay um, realistic with it.
I mean, I look at my calendar sometimes and I’m like, hm, there’s something on here, like every day. So like when we, when we get it all done, that’s what I would. I never, I want to actually, I actually do. So there’s a person waiting for me right now walking. So, you know, we had, I, I actually thought you were in a different time zone. So I had the time wrong at first. I was like, ok, I can’t meet you till, because it’s at one, it’s at 230 not at 130 like I thought anyway.
So, yeah. Um, and so I, I try to make it more realistic. I think sometimes our expectations are too high. So, yeah, I’m making sure I can do because, you know, I did drive a couple of hours in one case, almost three hours to get to a hike. I really wanted to do and it was worth every minute of that drive. And so, yeah, if you know, you don’t know when you’re ever gonna get back that way, make an effort. I love a new hiking trail. Like I usually have that on my 20 for 20 list.
I live near Kennesaw Mountain. So that’s like a civil war battlefield. Very, um, that it’s still well preserved. Um We don’t have many mountains around where I live. So it’s uh yes. And then we also have a great trail called the Silver Comet Trail. That it was an old railroad that they paved and never done it. But yeah. So, uh listen, I know it’s, it’s a, it’s a good, it’s a good spot and we got pretty decent weather here all times a year. Well, Loretta, is there any, any other parting words of wisdom?
Anything that you were like? Oh, man, we cannot end this. If we don’t say this, uh we need to know as I would say, you know, keep, you know, we were just talking about this, you know, in a, in a different way, you know, just manage your expectations, you know, sometimes we, our expectations are too high for our, our loved ones and then we get too low, you know, just try to pace yourselves. The one thing I would say that we don’t realize when we’re in it, there is no expiration date for your caregiving journey.
You know, you look in your cabinet and you see stuff expire and you throw it away. Well, there is, you don’t get that when your person is diagnosed with whatever it is in your brother’s case, it’s not ending. And, and so, you know, and I, I live next door to a family that is in, you know, the same situation he’s in there. They were twins, but one of them is fine and one of them isn’t. And so, um, you know, you go through all this so you don’t pace yourselves.
You are really out of it. And so I think a lot of times we set our expectations so high that, um, you know, they can be on the list. So just try to pace yourselves along the journey to give yourself the best chance of not suffering, you know, burn out or any of those other things. Yes, exactly. How do people find out more information about Loretta veney. com doesn’t get much easier than that. Yes, and Veney is Veney. So Loretta. So we’ll link to all of that in your show notes.
Page Loretta. I knew this was going to be a delightful conversation, but you’ve exceeded my expectations today. So I I’m motivated and you know, you’re, you’re making a difference. Oh, thank you so much. I appreciate. Yeah, this was so much fun and I’m, I’m writing Atlanta down. I might be going that way. We’ll see. Yeah. Yeah, you never know. Have an amazing rest of your day, Greta. Thank you so much for coming on the show.
Thanks for joining us today on the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast on the whole care network. As always show notes that a company today’s episode can be found on my website Happy Healthy caregiver.com. Just look under the podcast menu for today’s episode image and that will take you to the page with the links and information we spoke about today. You’ll also find other resources on the website along with links to purchase the just for you daily self care journal. When you purchase from my website, you’ll get a signed copy and for a limited time free shipping. If you’ve enjoyed what you heard today, consider subscribing to the show on your podcast platform.  It really helps other family caregivers find the podcast and you’ll automatically receive our biweekly shows in your podcast listening queue, maybe while you’re subscribing. Consider leaving a five star rating and review or just simply talk it up on your social channels. Let’s stay connected. I’m on Instagram and Facebook as happy, healthy caregiver. And until we meet again, please take care of you.
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