We had to get real creative with, uh, with, with our life. And, um, we expected the unexpected. Like, the constant was that there was no consistency.

Are you caring for others while working and trying to live your own life? Wondering how to find the time for your own health and happiness? Well, you’re in the right place. The Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast, which is part of the whole Care Network, is the show where real family caregivers share how to be happy and healthy while caring for others. Hello and welcome.

I’m your host, Elizabeth Miller. I’m a fellow family caregiver, a care advocate, a professional speaker, author, certified caregiving consultant, and certified senior advisor. If this is your first time listening, thank you for being here. This is a show produced biweekly to help family caregivers integrate self-care and caregiving into their lives. Each episode has an accompanying show notes page. If you’d like more detail about the topics, products, and resources we about or you want to see any of the related photos, you’ll find the show notes by going to the website happyhealthy Caregiver.

com, and underneath the podcast menu, click the image or episode number for today’s show. The link for the show notes will also be in your podcast platform’s episode description. Now, let’s get to it. Let’s jump into this episode.

Before we get into this episode with Cameron Browning, I first have a couple of announcements of my own. First of all, I I want to encourage you to subscribe to the Happy Healthy caregiver email list. If you haven’t already done so, you are missing out because every week I curate content, and I want to fast track you to the information that I think can help you in your caregiving journey.

Every week I share something happy, something healthy, something caregiving related. It’s easy to subscribe. You just go to bit.lee/HHCnews. I’m also grateful for you, my listeners, but we need some fresh Reviews for the podcast to grab the attention of other podcast listeners. If you are a regular listener and haven’t left a rating or review for the podcast yet, or you’re a new listener and you’re like, where has this been? I’ve needed this so, consider doing so by either visiting bit. lee/HHCpod review, which is in all caps, or simply write a review on your favorite podcast platform.

It can be just a quick sentence or two like this 5 star review from. Nicole, who said, we all need each other and this podcast brings us together. Thanks, Nicole. Your kind words and stars are valuable tips in my virtual tip jar. This episode is brought to you by From Guilt to Good Enough, a memoir about caregiving, guilt, and healing. Jeannette Yates takes you through a lifelong caregiving journey, confronting the emotional toll and offering a path toward healing through boundaries and reflective journaling. Each chapter. includes journaling prompts designed to help you examine your own guilt and emotional triggers so that you can heal while continuing to care for others.

I found this book heartfelt and empowering with authentic storytelling and practical guidance. It reframes good enough as self-compassion and progress over perfection. Find your copy and delve into the prompts at the selfcaregiver.com/book. From guilt to Good Enough is here to help. You care for the caregiver too. I recently finished this book called You Might Be a Caregiver If a dose of Laughter medicine for the ones who needed it Most, and it’s written by Susan Rose and illustrated by Margaret Mepps Schulte. You can tell very quickly that this is written and illustrated by two caregivers who get it.

It’s a beautifully illustrated book that offers a bite-sized, humorous observations about living life. a family caregiver. It’s a quick read and a later companion for you to keep nearby so that you know that you’re not alone in this journey. And warning, you may start thinking of writing your own book, or at least your own chapters, maybe there’s a few blank blank pages here on the back. As you recall all the funny things that happened to you during your caregiving day, sometimes you just can’t make this stuff up.

My favorite thing that I want to share with you this week is mahjong. I don’t know if mah jong is. All the rage where you are, but learning how to play was on my 20 for 25 list. No one I personally knew really knew how to play. Some think the matching tile game and the app on your smartphone is it, but it’s way more involved than that. My mom used to play bridge with the ladies when I was growing up, and I remember how nice the tables looked, and she always bought brand new playing cards and she had flowers and a special dessert.

It was a sweet self-care memory I have of my mom. People say That mahjong is like bridge, but with tiles instead of cards. There are versions of play and we play the American version. We hired two ladies who are real estate agents by day and mahjong instructors by night, because everybody was just asking them to teach them. So 12 of my friends learned in my basement and we have taught others to play since. My daughter, who lives in Chicago with her friends, also took a mahjong class. So it’s something that is spanning, you know, Different ages and generations.

But Mahjong has been around for a long time. It has been popular for years in both the Asian and the Jewish cultures and communities. Former podcast guest Jen Chan joked that her grandma is likely partying in another universe playing mahjong. We learned in the spring and have been playing over a dozen times since. It’s a great activity for the porch on a rainy day, or even on a day when it’s just too hot to do anything. Else and I’m hooked. I’ll link to a couple of things.

The affordable tiles that I purchased on Amazon because there are of course really cutesy boutique tiles that you can pay hundreds and hundreds of dollars for, or there’s ones that are less than $100 which is the kind that I have. And also you’re going to need the American mahjong card that you need to play it with too. There’s a collection of YouTube videos that I’m also gonna share in the show notes so that you can try to watch them and learn on your own. And to see if this is something that you might enjoy.

If you like board games and hanging with friends, I think you’re really gonna like it. Let’s meet today’s caregiver in the spotlight. Cameron Browning is a resilient sandwich generation caregiver and single mom from Oklahoma who’s caring for 633 people besides herself. She’s navigating life between supporting her father, Jim, who lives with Alzheimer’s disease, and raising 4 children from toddler to teenager. Over. Over the years, Cameron has worn many caregiving hats. She’s been a remote caregiver, an in-home caregiver, support caregiver, balancing work and family life. After experiencing caregiver burnout, she’s redefined self-care as simply giving her brain a chance to rest, letting go of people pleasing, tuning out unsolicited advice, and leaning into advocacy, trust, and intuition for herself and those she loves.

Enjoy the show.

Hi, Cameron. Welcome to the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast. Hey, how’s it going? Going great. I’m so excited to talk to you and we were starting our fall and I’m like, I feel like I know you, you know, because a lot of us are connecting on social media and supporting each other and we get to see these little moments of each other’s lives. I know it’s not everything, but, uh, we’re gonna, we’re going to get into all that. But I’m just grateful. I know sometimes when you’re a caregiver and a mom, you’ve got to move mountains to be here.

So I just think. We’ve been trying to do this for like 2 years now. So my apology is, oh my gosh. It’s OK. That’s OK. You know, it happens, it’s happened. So we’re going to get onto all of the things, but we, I like to kick things off with a little bit of inspiration, motivation, empowerment from the happy healthy caregiver jar. Let’s get your thoughts on this, Cameron. All right, I’m ready. It says, be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can. Be gentle, be gentle with yourself.

Did you need to hear that today? I think I need to hear that every day. I know. I can say it all day long to other people, but I’m probably the worst at doing that for myself. Um. Man. It’s hard to be introspective sometimes. Yeah, I, you do deserve grace. We all do. We are all people and we’re doing this all for the first time. None of us have ever done this before. Like, I try to remind myself that all the time that there are no right and wrong ways, as long as you’re showing up with all the love and care you can.

And yeah, it’ll, it’ll be good. So we’re all human, we’re all doing be gentle. Be gentle. I, I mean, I remember feeling like, you’re never doing enough, right? I never felt like I was doing enough. And, you know, and, and you’re juggling a lot of things. So some, something’s always kind of falling short. It’s like this, I stool like talk about or things like that. But if you can look at the mirror every night and you say, gosh darn it, I did the best I can. I gave it my all today and I’m still standing like, yeah, high five.

That person in the mirror though is you. Well, Cameron, share a little bit about your story with us. You know, who is Cameron? I know some people call you Cam because it’s your, your handle on social is gymcam fam. Gym Cam fam, because that’s what I’m about. My dad, Jim Cam, Cameron and my family, my 4 kiddos, uh, gymcamam it is single mama. I’ve been doing it. Mostly on my own for quite a while now, a caregiver to my dad who has Alzheimer’s. He was diagnosed back in 223, and it’s been a roller coaster.

It’s been a journey. 223 was my spiral year, so I can certainly relate that we were both like in different states and swirling like Tasmanian devils. And we didn’t even know, like we didn’t know of each other back then to think about how much of us, how many of us were going through the same kind of similar things at the same time and I think that social media and why I love this so much is because we have really been able to realize that we are not in it alone.

There are, I mean, social media has just opened everyone’s eyes, and I think been, it’s allowed us to give each other and ourselves more grace and more understanding because, you know, if we live in our own little bubble, we think that it’s the only, you know, we’re the only one that’s happening to, and it’s not. It’s happening all over. It’s a worldwide epidemic, you know. It’s accessible. Like social media makes support and community for caregivers accessible. I love, you know, former guests, Kitty Norton and the filmmaker for Wine Women and Dementia said that, you know, until there’s a cure, there’s community, and I think that’s not just true for dementia, that’s for everything because like we are being, you know, pushed to do pushed beyond the limits, frankly, so. Yeah.

It’s too much. And what were you doing before, I mean, you were mothering, but were you working before you became a caregiver? What was happening there? So I worked in the banking world for a while and then I worked in daycare, care, again, for children. Yes, OK, preschool teacher. And then when I had Ella, my, she’s now 223. I stopped working. So that, yeah, I was able to just be a mom. But then the very, like, that year was a big year for us, cause my dad had just been diagnosed in 21.

And then Ella was born in 2800. So, I was working, I stopped working. I had Ella, and then boom, it was just like, go, go, go. Yeah, it was like a treadmill or a hamster wheel. That’s how I feel. Yes, hamster wheel, yeah. I thought I was gonna have a little bit of a slower wheel, but no. No, that’s what I say. It never, it never slowed down. It would slow down, but it would never completely stop. It would just be like, Yeah, and if you have to jump off for a while, it’s a struggle to jump off cause the wheel is still spinning and you’re like, OK, jump off and back on.

It is, it’s so much. You’ve been, you know, juggling other things there too, and I know that like part of your journey. From following you, you know, first you were a support caregiver, your dad lived independently, then he moved in with you and your, and your children. And then recently, he has made another transition that I think you may, I’ll talk about all of these transitions because I think people think that like, when you’re a support caregiver or you’re supporting someone who’s living in a community, all good, right?

Like it’s only the at-home caregivers that are really You know, in the grind, and I, I want to hear it in your words. Well, I mean, I, so I was guilty of having that mindset too, because, OK, so I was, it started out when I started caring for my dad. We’ve always been really close, my dad and I. He was always more like a guide and a friend than a Parent, we, we’ve always been close, but we had a different kind of relationship. He was not like the typical like disciplinarian.

and then it became, OK, he’s not driving anymore. So I’m taking him to appointments. I’m doing his shopping for him.

I’m, you know, taking him wherever he needs to go. And so it started out just like twice a week, you know, and after it was like, OK, the more time went along, it was once a day. It was, I would go in the morning and then in the evening, I would get a text from my dad or a phone call that says his TV is not working, and he needs me right away because the TV was his entertainment. Yeah, yeah. And so it would be either I have to go back a second time or wait till the next day.

And then, yeah, before long I was there every day and you and you and your mom. Yeah, yeah, and I’m a mom, and I’m, and I’m a mom, and I’m going through my own like I got divorced in that time. I started dating another person. I got pregnant. I had another baby during that time. Yeah, there was still no like Cameron time. It was all about other people, really. So, yeah, he, um, and then in the spring of 2000, he had a bedbug infestation in his place. And you can’t make this stuff up.

You cannot make, it’s real life. You cannot make it up. It’s like. I mean, I’ve said several times like, my life could easily be like a lifetime movie. Like you just cannot make it up. Um, me and my sister and my youngest dad, actually, cause I was dating him at the time, we We, we were, we cleaned it. We, we discovered, you know, just mounds of, yeah, you cannot make it up. Um, I think that they had gotten in through the air vents because this was a really old building and one of his neighbors had been struggling with that and It just found its way in.

Uh, and I, my dad was like, OCD cleanly, like super clean. He was in the military, right? In the military. He was in the military. He was trained that way. Um, he made his bed every morning, you know, had every hair in place. He, yeah. But, so when we found all of the infestation, it was like a gut punch. I mean, it was like, oh my gosh, how long have I been letting Him live like this. I felt the most tremendous amount of guilt, and it was really hard to deal with.

So I’m sure just so you know, again, you’re, you’re enough, you’re doing the best you can. Like, they’re hiding it from us too, right? Like my, my parents My parents were great at hiding what was really happening when they lived at a distance. And you know, you’re talking to them on the phone and you’re hearing one version of things, which is why, you know, as a remote or distance character I really advocate for somebody to be the boots on the ground, whether you’re hiring it or It’s a friend or a neighbor or somebody, but anyway, I just had to give you grace there a little.

 

Yeah, thank you. Well, once, um, once we really dug in deep, we realized what a chore this was going to be. Um, most people probably know someone with dementia that, that are watching this, um, you know, podcast, um. Any kind of big change usually sends them into some sort of a spiral. I mean, um, and I was prepared for it. I told my sister, I said, I’m just, I’m prepared for it. We’ve been talking about, you know, it’s about time for dad to probably come live with me because we, we had already decided that.

I was a CNA in my past life. I was also a caregiver for my aunt with emphysema before she passed away. I have the experience and so, and I, and I had the desire. I wanted to do it. And so we’d already kind of planned it, but it was like, boom, it’s right, it’s the next step. And so how about now? Yeah, exactly right. So instead of cleaning all of my dad’s stuff and in preparation to put it back in, we just were like, OK, this is a great time.

Time to just go through it all, get rid of what we don’t need, salvage what we can, and just get them out. And so that’s what we ended up doing. So, and the house that I lived in, I was unprepared. It did not have an extra bedroom for my dad. I was like, OK, so now I’m scrambling to find a new house and pack up me and my kids and move. It was just, it was crazy. Yes. I think I must have like disassociated for most of the time because I don’t even feel like I was actually in that situation.

I can relate to that after my dad passed away in the movie my mom and brother and selling the Blazon. Like, how did we do it? Yeah, you, well, and I think it’s just adrenaline. Like we just like, we just adrenaline gets me through, I think. So, yeah, so he ended up moving in with me. And where did you find space for him in your home? So I found, actually, we found a rental house that was in My sister’s neighborhood and it had a 163th bedroom and we were able, he was able to have his own room and his own little, it was almost like an apartment like off the side of the house.

I mean it was attached, but it was like it had its own little room or um door and Um, he had his own bathroom and stuff like that. So, so that was nice. And is he resisting any of this? Like, especially like, think of going back to even the driving, like, is he rolling with the change, or? OK, so my dad has always, I don’t know, and I don’t know if it’s just me, but he like, anytime the doctor would just tell him something, he’s like, yes, sir, that’s what I’ll do.

So, um, and we decided to start talking to him about what was going to happen years before. Amazing. Yeah. So we were like, you know, we had the conversation about eventually him moving in. He’s also, he was never diagnosed, but I suspect he’s on the spectrum somewhere. So preparing him for what was coming was, I feel like really important and really helpful in the journey because it was like it almost became his inner dialogue. Like it was like, I just This is what’s gonna happen. This is the life we’re about to live.

He needs that processing time. It’s my brother’s neurodivergent and on the spectrum and like, yeah, he has to process things for a while before, you know, and get used to the idea of it. And then it’s like you’re planting these seeds a little bit. Right. And so, and then with the car, you mentioned car keys and stuff. So we lucked out. My dad, man, his car was his baby. He is A car nut and his, he had a Toyota, like Toyota. It’s like 216 in a row. Like that’s all he’s ever owned.

And his last car was his 25000th Toyota. And this will just give you a little bit of an insight to who my dad was. His license plate said 24th toy. That was his. It was loyal. He’s a rule follower, he’s loyal, he’s following directions. And that’s not autistic. Yeah, yeah, in, in the military thing, I think like, both of those things were probably, um, in your favor as a, as a family caregiver for that. So, OK, so dad moves in, you’ve got the kids, like, how are the kids handling this?

How are you handling this transition? So, yeah, it was, it was tough. My kids, my, my dad and my kids have always been really close. My dad was a super involved. Grandpa, papa, we call him. And we always lived close physically, like just a couple miles away. So we saw him often. Um, he always got down on the floor with my kids and played. He was a very hands-on, ha ha, just, just love him to pieces. So the kids quickly changed their role. It was, it was really almost disheartening to see and experience.

Because they became little caregivers too. There’s, there’s absolutely no way around it. I mean, there really isn’t, especially with me being the only adult in the house. My son was 15, I think at the time. And so, and then my daughter, let’s see, yeah, so she was like 15, he was 15 and then like 11, 7, and a baby, you know, so. Um, so yeah, they all became little caregivers and he was now in their space, and he was curious and touching everything and moving everything around, fixing the rug every time he would go past the, it was just, it was a lot.

ws aren’t right, the shoes aren’t there. But was he angry about it or he would just handle it? He would, he would just want to handle it. And the kids would be like, Papa, you don’t have to mess with that, or Papa, don’t touch that, or, you know, like, and after a while, I was like, guys, just let him be.

He’s not, he’s not taking it away. He’s not, it’s not going out of the house. It’s fine. So the kids had to let over. a little bit of their control too. And maybe it’s giving him purpose, like something that he feels like he’s helping you in the home. Yes. So after a while, I thought that as well. I was like, OK, I got to give him some chores. I have to give him some purpose. So I remember we had, we had this little waste basket or like laundry basket, and I bought just like cheap old towels and washcloths for him.

To fold. And I remember it was just like he would fold them. And then I would take them and put them away, but I would actually dump them on my bed in my room and have to unshake them and prepare them for the next time I needed to, yeah, needed him to be busy. So yeah, we found a lot of little things like that. I mean, he was a big TV watcher, but even TV didn’t really like entertain him anymore. And so, Yeah, we had to get real creative with, uh, with, um, we expected the unexpected.

It was one, like, the constant was that there was no consistency. I mean, it was, yeah. And we did, I will say, we found Life Senior Services here in the Tulsa area. They are an adult daycare, and they, we were able to get some funding to put him in there a couple of days a week. And so, yeah, so that. That was an interesting transition. He did not want to go at first. He did not want to stay there. He had no interest in it. But after a time or two, I learned to change the way I approached it.

I said, Hey, Dad, I, you’re volunteering at the senior center today. They need your help with this at the senior center today. And changed it into giving him a purpose. He was needed. Um, and that really helped a lot. Um, yeah. Language is everything. I mean, I think I had a similar situation with my brother going to an adult work more of a work program, but he’s volunteering. He’s stuffing newspapers are doing jobs, but they also do activities there and it was a hard transition and now he does like it.

It’s not, it’s, it’s not perfect. Right. But I do think that language matters. And so, it bothered him, he wasn’t getting paid for a minute and explaining the volunteer work and that this is you’re helping people, you’re a role model for the younger. He’s one of the oldest people there. It was not like in a, it was not dementia focused, but more for people living with disabilities. So, yeah, but now we’re Going through the same thing with him living in potentially in a community for people living with disabilities.

And the language is like, look, good news that you really, they really like the week of respite you did. They want you to come back. They see you as a big helper. It is so much about like reframing it and, and how do you want to receive this. Yeah. Because no one wants to feel like they’re being put somewhere and abandoned. Yeah. So, I mean, yeah, framing, wording is everything. I agree. Yeah. So he did the, OK, so he did. And how did the funding for that?

People will probably want to know that. Yeah, absolutely. So I encourage anyone and I live in Oklahoma, so I am only familiar with things here, really, but I always tell people to look up their area agency for aging. Yeah, they’re AAA. Yeah, AAA. And I’ll, I’ll put a a directory. Yes, yeah. Um, so one of their volunteers or employees came to our house and they interviewed me, they interviewed my dad, assessed him to see what his needs were, and based off of his needs and abilities, they, there’s a grant, and it’s a big pool of money, and it’s based on donations.

So the amount that you get changes per quarter, but there’s Big pool and depending on how many people sign up and how many people donate is how much funding you get. Um, so completely out of pocket for me, it was such a blessing. I mean incredible. I could go to doctor’s appointments by myself. I could go grocery shopping by myself. I could maybe plan, um, you know, a date with one of my kids, um, or, you know, it was just, it was so important in my journey.

I mean. Engagement and he would come back with art and, you know, painted rocks and these stories. I loved the stories. He would come home like it was a day of work and he would be telling me all about his day at work and his frustrations and, you know, and his joys and it was, it was a sweet time, to be honest. I mean, and the, the people there grew to love him and some of them are still followers of mine and keep in touch and, and watch that on his journey and It was just a really special, um, it was, yeah.

Were there other resources besides the grant that the AAA afforded you? So that was the only, so we got to choose, we could choose to have a caregiver come into the house for a few hours or we could choose to use it at the daycare center. So we used it at the center because my dad is a veteran. And he also got some caregiving services through the VA. So, um, he was allotted, I believe, like 18 hours a week of a caregiver. Uh, there was, they, they hooked us up with a, um, with an in-house, you know, aid service.

And we were assigned one caregiver. We went through, we went through one before we found the one we loved and we stuck with. Um. And Sam, her name is Samantha, and she was just, she was a part of our family for, you know, 50003 years, and she really grew to know my dad and my family, and she was such a blessing. Um, and she was there like a couple of hours a day, a couple of days a week. And it was interesting. I had the hardest time giving over the reins to her.

And, and most of the time, I would either have to make sure that I was out of the house when she was there, or I had to just commit to just being involved and having an extra set of hands because I, I, I tried to control a lot. I mean, I think it’s innate and a lot of caregivers. It comes from a good place. We want things to be easier. We want things to be, you know, efficient. But a lot of care. I mean, I felt like for me it was also learning how to let go of the rains.

And, and I’m still doing it. Like I’m in a new season with my brother and I’m, and the other day I’m thinking, oh, I, I can’t do all this stuff. I need help. You know, I asked my other brother, Hey, do you mind taking him to, my brother still drives and, and, you know, can you get him the Georgia license? because we’ve made the decision recently to have him live in Georgia full time and And, you know, I thought it was going to be a burden, and my brother was like, yeah, sure, I’ve got to go renew my own anyway.

And it all. I don’t know. But it’s, it is that thing. It’s like, OK, I have to do that. It’s an hour away from me. It’s it’s complicated. Well, you’ve mentioned some great things there, like, you know, veteran benefits, the area agents. aging and you also mentioned how the first professional caregiver you had wasn’t quite the fit. And so it’s, you know, advocating for like, hey, because if it’s a fit, it goes so much better than, you know, if they, if they connect and get along. Absolutely.

So good for you for advocating for that. And then OK, so that was, I know we’re like really simplifying life, like that’s all you did. Right, yeah, it, you know, it, it seems like it’s working out, but then, you know, we know you had your drama and your, your challenges through that process, and I can’t, you know, for years, you’ve lived that you lived with him in in the house. And then I know recently you made the decision with your family and the circumstances that was going on.

That it was time for another transition. Talk, talk us through that. This was hard, girl. This was the hardest decision. And it’s so fresh. So it’s still hard, probably. Still hard. I beat myself up and questioned myself so much. So about a year after he moved in with me, I had a mental, emotional breakdown. I was, I was not getting any sleep. He was, he was a roamer. My dad wanted, he never, he wasn’t. A good sleeper. We tried sleeping medications. We tried natural things. We tried just all the things, and he would not sleep.

And so, and he was exit-seeking. So we had to get special locks for the door and obviously just make sure he was safe while he’s up roaming in the middle of the night. So I would never get any sleep. So went through this emotional kind of breakdown and I was like, man, we’re gonna move him. We have to. I’m not, you know. And then I chickened out. It is, but I chickened out. I didn’t do it that time. OK. We got it really close. But then I was like, No, you know, I’m gonna, I, I took a break, I took some respite time and it got refreshed.

How did that look like? I want to pause you there. Was it family that relieved you? Or at this time, my mom, his ex-wife, so my mom, she’s a saint. She came in and she took my place for about 1 week. OK, a bit, a little bit less than a week. I was probably like 4 days. And they were all like, oh yes, I know it was everyone thought that that they wouldn’t survive without me, but they did, and we all made the best of it and I came back and I was more intentional.

I was more present. I was refreshed and ready to go. Came back, you know, things were just still with Alzheimer’s, it’s one step forward, two steps back, one sideways, one up, down, spiral. You never know, he had a fall, just there, you know, just things happen. And so then about A year after that, I was just really not getting any sleep. And I didn’t realize how much it was affecting me. Everything, everything, it did. It just, um, it just, I fell apart. And, um, we decided to get more serious about placing him in a home.

I did not ever want to do that, but I, I’ve struggled with mental challenges, anxiety, ADHD my whole life, and I knew that being a single mom, um I am it for my kids. I knew that my dad would see it. Like, I kind of tried to picture his lucid, well self looking down on me, and I wanted to do my best to please that man, to do what he thought was best. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that he would have been like, Cameron, put me at home.

Like, what are you doing? Take him. Yeah, he would have been like, Stop, I’m fine. Go, like, do your thing. So I, we got serious about it. We went and toured at the veterans home that is about 30 minutes from my house, and we really liked it for it being a facility. I obviously, you know, I wasn’t like happy about it, but it was a really easy process, uh, because he was a veteran. They took care of a lot of the paperwork. Um, my sister. helped with a lot of the paperwork.

She did a lot of the research behind the scene phone call stuff because I’m still taking care of that, you know. Um, and the day, um, it was the day after or the day before, now I can’t even remember. It was the day after Christmas, I believe. No, no, it was the 23rd. I’m sorry 23rd. It was December 23rd. We moved him in. And he was, he had this like lucid moment when we were signing on paperwork, and he told the um staff member that was helping us, he was like, these two girls right here.

I trust them with everything. I mean, he was like, he said, yep, just if I don’t understand, these two are your girls. I saw on the video, like, I actually have it linked already in the show notes because I know you were struggling with that and how amazing that that happened for him to be able to like, they got me. And we didn’t even tell him that morning, our aide, Samantha, she was there. We took pictures, we had breakfast together and Me and my dad left. We, we left the door, and he never, he never came back.

And he did, I didn’t, he didn’t know he was moving. And a lot of people, I mean, I got kind of a lot of questions about that, like, how did you prepare him? Well, I didn’t. I just told him that’s what’s happening. It was just a matter of fact thing because at this time, he was. that you prepared them exactly like in the beginning it was different like not funny. Yeah, it is, it is totally. I’m like, why would I waste my energy on that when he’s not gonna remember.

And so yeah, so by that point, I just, I told him I was like, all right, this, I’m, I’m dropping you off at your apartment and this is, I mean, I think that’s a key, again, language apartment, like, you know, you’re going to a facility, a lot of people don’t want to go to a facility, they want to go to a community, they want to go to an apartment, you know, it’s it’s so um yeah, so, so hard. I know that that was tough for you and I know that it’s something that you still, and, and you.

You know, you’re resonating, you’re impactful on social media with other caregivers. I, I was flabbergasted. I looked at I’m like, she has over 1,800,000 followers on TikTok. I mean, you, your, your story is clearly resonating, but also sometimes with that comes unsolicited advice. How do you handle the unsolicited advice? Girl, let’s talk about it. I’ve been waiting. Let’s talk about it. Um. OK, so I started posting on social media because I was inspired by two other caregivers, um, who were sharing their story. And I’m a very creative, so it was, yeah, Chris, Chris with, uh, yep, who’s been on the show because they may have been on and I’ll, I’ll link them.

She’s been in my home. Um, we have, we’ve met up in Chicago actually last month. Amazing. I just, she’s so near and dear to my heart. And then Bailey Rose was also sharing with her dad at the time. And they was just in awe of their openness and their willingness to put their life out there. And I was, like I said, I was a creative person, uh, but with my dad, like, I was just so busy. I used to, I used to do a lot of crafting, a lot of sewing.

I was just always busy. And my dad and my kids were really just taking up a lot of My mental energy and my time, obviously, which not complaining about. It was just the season I was in, right? Yeah. But I was like, you know, I need to have an outlet somehow. I need to create the joy that I want to feel, the connection, the community. I need to create it. And so I made a little compilation video of my dad and our story up to that date, and it got a lot of traction, uh, I mean, out of nowhere.

And then I think the one that really went viral was and like got a lot of attention was when my mom, my dad’s ex-wife was at my house and my dad walks in and he has no clue who she is and asks to be introduced to her. And my mom, not funny, but yeah, yeah. It was so like, we listen, we laugh because if we have to keep from crying. I mean, you know, like that’s kind of like my whole family. Your mom was like, Whoa, he really, he really erased me.

I didn’t I got deleted. Yeah. Um, so caught her off guard, but I was, I think we were all amazed at how well she just went with it. I mean, she was a champ and it was, it was just really nice to see the community and that too. Like, my mom was a big support for me and my kids and my dad through this. All, you know. Um, so I, yeah, just, uh, we started sharing and started sharing and, um, yeah, with sharing comes criticism. I started getting a lot of, oh my gosh, why are you showing your dad like, it’s such, I mean, save him some dignity and all this.

And at first I let it bother me, but because I really, I’m a people pleaser. I care what people think. Um, and I try not to, but it, it’s just an It’s in who I am. And I started, I mean, I would, I would give people my reasoning. I would comment back to everybody. I mean, it was like, I could not leave one comment unanswered. And finally, I just, I started, you know, well, here, let me tell you this part. My dad was a photographer, OK? The camera was in my face all the time.

I was his favorite subject, but he was always posing me for something. He was always video. Going and taking my picture. So me and my sister kind of left like, turnouts fair play. Like now. Um, and plus my dad before he lost most of his senses, um, he, we joined every kind of program and study and research that he could, um, to, you know, further understand Alzheimer’s. And I know in my heart that he would approve. Over and over again. People still get kinda touchy about me sharing some moments where he makes a fool out of himself or he says something that might be inappropriate, or, or one time he hit on me and people lost their mind about that.

And now, I let that be a motivating factor for me to continue sharing because dementia, unfortunately, in all of its forms, It is not something that you can help. It is something that happens to you. You cannot choose it. It chooses you. And there are millions of people struggling with the same thing, and no one’s talking about it, and they think they’re alone and they don’t know different ways to handle certain situations. And they kick themselves because they’re, they think that they’re the only one that has screwed up a conversation with their dad.

No, me, I have, I’ve screw. a million conversations and here you can watch it. Yes, exactly right. And here I’ve put it, yeah, millions of people have seen, like, I want people to know that it’s not something to be ashamed of and they’re not alone. I mean, we as a society really need to learn how to speak to people with dementia and just help. We’re well, and you’re not going on, you know, like, hey, I got all the answers, you know, follow me for all the answers.

No, it is, this is my My journey, this is my story. You might see yourself in this, in this, in pieces of this, and I just want you to know, like, I see you, I feel you. Here’s how I handled it. Maybe it wasn’t, you know, maybe it was a great way that day or, yeah, and either way, good or bad, like, here, don’t do what I did. This is how it worked out, or, you know, yeah, try it on and everybody’s different. And it’s not your dad that’s hitting on you and it’s the disease that is doing and so you were advocating for caregivers and advocating.

For people living with dementia, and, and absolutely, your situation, like you, you put thought into it, he is a photographer. He was not a super, you know, private person. He’s, you know, a connector that likes to chat with people and things like that. So very consistent. I think, you know, listen, we’re not for everybody. I’m sure there were people who I that find me super annoying, like, OK, you know, there’s 63 million caregivers in the US that we Just found out with the new stats. I’ll share the new stats in our Oh my word.

That we, that came out this year and, you know, maybe we’re not a fit for everybody and it’s like, OK, yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s fine. Yeah, I don’t have to be for everybody. I know I’m not. Yeah. And then other times it’s like, you hear it from a little bit of different people. But I do think there are some do’s and don’ts that you have, Cameron. You you are an expert in caregiving, you’re caregiving for your dad in particular. And you have learned a lot about being a dementia caregiver with this disease that you could potentially help other people who are maybe way back in early Cameron season.

So what are some of the dos and don’ts that you’ve learned about, you know, being a dementia caregiver, caring for someone living with dementia? Advocate, speak up. Um, I think a lot of people feel like they’re stuck doing things a certain way. And you’re not. You, listen, this is your life. You have one to live. You have got to find what works for you and your people. And speak up. Don’t be afraid to ruffle some feathers. If it means doing what is best for your family, your person, like your situation.

I, I cut people. Out of my life during my caregiving journey. I did some things that I, that normally would not be kosher with even myself. But because of my situation, I just had to suck it up and be like, OK, this is what I need right now. You’ve got to stop the people pleasing and please yourself and your person that you’re caring for. And the advocacy now is huge because I’m caring for my dad afar. Um, and so advocacy is huge now. Um, I, this week has been a really busy caregiving week for me. What?

Yeah, give us an example of how you’ve advocated recently. My dad, this week, I went to see him. I knew he needed a mustache trim and a little trim, a haircut. I went up there with my daughter, um, this week, and man, the instant I saw him, I knew something was off. His fingers were swollen, and he doesn’t really have a history of arthritis or anything like that. So his fingers were swollen and his gait, like the way he was walking, was just totally off. He was like slanted to the side.

And seeing that and knowing that I’m not gonna be able to monitor him, and I have to leave knowing that something’s going on was incredibly difficult. The nurse came in. I, I mean, the care, I had to, to go get someone to go assess him, like, come, you know, and I How about now? Come with me now. Come with me now. Why this is important. And they had a fall in the unit when that was happening too. And that was more important, really. I mean, they had to all tend to that and so I had to be patient and take some breaths.

And, you know, I ended up just cutting my dad’s hair while we were sitting there waiting for them. They assessed him. Um, the nurse was great, but I, I don’t feel if I would have been like, hey, I want, like you can’t just write this down in notes. I need to see some follow-up. There needs to be some action to make sure nothing’s going on. So I requested a UA, a urinal analysis. I requested blood work to be done. My dad has a history of TIAs, many strokes.

Um, so I was immediately looking for all of the signs, you know, like lifting your hands, smiling. Is there any droopiness, slurred words. So I had to do all of that. Turns out, they did do the UA and the blood work. And guess what? There was something there. So, I am so thankful that I trusted my gut. Yeah. Even, and even if, and I think that’s important you said some dos and don’ts. Trust your gut. I really think that when you’re in a caregiving role, like, I, listen, I’m a believer and the, I think God puts you there for a reason.

Whatever you believe in, the universe, whatever. I believe that you are. Where you’re supposed to be, right when you’re supposed to be there. And you’re equipped for that. It’s down in you. You just have to let it out. So I trusted my gut. I, you know, asked for testing. And if I hadn’t, my dad could maybe be in the hospital because of a bigger infection that they didn’t catch. Um. And so, yeah, being familiar with signs of things is really important, knowing that, yeah, just trusting your gut when something’s off because a lot of people try to tell me, well, it’s just the progression of dementia.

Like it just happens. Well, you’re right, there’s maybe, maybe. Yeah. Yeah. But like, if there’s something, you know, and, and we’re at the point in my dad’s care where it’s very palliative. It’s, we’re not trying to make him better. We are trying to Keep him as comfortable and healthy as possible for the life he has left to live. And so we weren’t really concerned about having scans for a possible stroke or anything like that, but that is something that I wanted to, we needed to kind of explore whether that was a possibility so that we knew to keep looking for something else, or, OK, that satisfies we’re accepting this, what you’re saying here.

Well, good, yeah, good for you for all of them. Yeah, that advocacy and trusting your gut and I want to spend a couple of minutes talking about your, your self-care, because like, you know, we, first of all, do you hate that term? Hate. Yeah. Ha. Number one, I feel like, I mean, this is horrible, but I think just as a human, as a woman, as a caregiver, I don’t. Feel, I mean, I know I’m worthy of it, but I don’t act like I’m worthy of it. Like, I don’t.

I don’t live in a headspace where I am thinking of myself. I live in a headspace of I am thinking for others all the time. So I have to be really intentional about self-care. Like, yeah, like, may hate the term, but to understand and accept that it’s important because you’ve seen what happens, right? You’ve lived these experiences now, and you know, you worry, you’re like, even if it’s, even if we’re initially not doing it for ourselves and we’re like, OK, I’m not showing up as the person I want to be for other people, if that still gets you in the right spot and get doing the things. Yeah.

So what did, you know, what, what, what does it look like? What were the ways where you were able to kind of be intentional and infuse self-care maybe when Jim was living. With you at home or even, you know, now, what does that look like? So I, I did like when, when he was at home with me, I tried, when we had the aid at the house, I tried to be really intentional about making sure that I was spending some time alone for myself or, you know, doing something that I enjoyed, tending to my plants, um, you know, doing some sort of a craft or maybe go shopping, just some.

Thing where I didn’t have to think about anything. I could just let my brain kind of relax. So it didn’t need to be anything extravagant. It didn’t need to be, you know, going to a spa. It was literally just letting my brain relax. And that was really helpful because, um, I saw, I, and I still see what happens when I don’t. When I’m not really intentional about letting my brain relax and turning the caring side of me off a little bit. Um, my kids, you know, they can tell when I haven’t taken enough time for myself.

I am a little more short with them. I’m more grumpy. I’m not as understanding. I am not as fun as I want to be as a mom, you know, um, being really intentional. About just calming my brain. Um, I don’t have a lot of time or resources to get away, you know, it’s, hey, guys, I’m gonna go sit for an hour at the restaurant with my iPad and I’m gonna watch a show and you’re gonna watch your brother and yeah, I’m just gonna breathe for a minute.

Um, so it doesn’t look fancy the scene or yeah. I love the way you put it, like you’re letting your brain relax. Um, you know, because like, sometimes I, I call it like anything that brings me joy, peace of mind, or energizes me emotionally or physically is kind of my definition of self-care. But letting your brain relax kind of has that, it’s, it is peace of mind, but it’s, and it is a way for you to show up with energy, but it’s a very, it just, I like the way you phrase that.

Well, and I think what I realized about myself, I mean, I have ADHD and I It just, I’m very, my brain is very overactive. It has a hard time catching up with itself sometimes. And so even here right now doing this podcast with you, I’m having a hard time like I am looking at all the things around me that I could be doing. Like I organize that I need. I’m tired of looking at that. Yeah, I mean, I think that’s real. I, I, I think we all struggle a little.

I don’t have any VHD but lots of things. Multiple things happening at the moment. And sometimes I get, I like, I remember early on in my marriage, not my marriage, but when the kids were smaller, you know, my walking by my husband and be like, What’s in your brain right now? Like, what do you think? Like I’d walk by on the couch, you know, he’s like and he’s very helpful. I don’t want to give the impression that he’s not. But I’m like, what is in your brain right now?

I was like, Well, I’m just, you know, thinking about, you know, what I’m going to eat or the brain, and I’m like, let me just tell you, these are the 16 things in my brain right now. Like that’s, that’s real. And so If we have this like little word bubble over caregivers, I’m sure. Oh my gosh, my rat’s nest. It’s like a rat’s nest. It’s it’s just like I feel like I’m juggling 5000 things all the time. So yeah, it’s so hard. It’s so hard. I wanna. Um, ask you a couple prompts.

This is from my journal. No wrong answers here, Cameron. It’s called the Just For You Daily Self-care Journal and hoping to put more intention on people’s thinking about their own health and happiness. What’s the most exciting thing happening in your life right now? Got a new job. I got a new job. What are you doing? I am, I work at a bank again, so I’m kind of back in the corporate world a little bit. Um, it is a smaller bank though, but great people. I was so nervous to jump back into working up a job, you know, I’ve been caregiving for since Ella was born, which is a huge job. Yeah.

Was it hard to the bank, like, you know, putting your resume together and getting back out there, did they give you any resistance? I mean, I know we have lots of skills as caregivers, but yeah. So I, yeah, putting my resume together. Interesting. I am grateful for social media because I have, um, kind of turned that into a little bit of a business. And so I had skills. I’ve, I’ve worked with, you know, large companies and brands and had to do some of the more like legal and paperwork part of it.

So I have a little bit of experience. I gained some digital content, like you’re an influencer, you like, whether I like it or not, and I don’t like it. I don’t like that word. I’m an accidental influence. You can be one of those. Yeah, absolutely. And so, yeah, putting it together was interesting. I interviewed a couple of different places. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do. I didn’t know if I wanted to go back into the banking world, but I was really just waiting for the right fit and I was offered a position at this bank, and then I turned it down because I was just so like, I don’t know if I can do this.

Can I be away for my kids that, that long? Can I You know, can I still be intentional with my dad? Can I still, you know, visit him multiple times a week? And I just didn’t feel like I could fit it all in. So I actually turned down the position. Um, and a few months later, I was looking again, seriously, and I was like, OK, I’m gonna reach back out to them because Because they really wanted me and I turned them down. So reached out to them.

They had a position available. They were like, I’m so excited to have you and and they just, they welcomed me with open. I was so nervous. I was so nervous, but they instantly turned into a part of my family. I love it. They’re amazing people. And they get them a caregiver, and I’m a mom and a daughter first, and I have the ability to step away from what I’m doing if I need to and take care of situations with my kids or my dad, which is really important.

I had to do that multiple times this week. So being offered grace in my workplace has been a Just huge blessing. It’s been so refreshing. Yes, they, they do exist, caregiver friendly jobs and things out there. So yeah, get the one that works for you in your, in your situation for sure. I was gonna ask you like, what’s your current favorite outfit to wear? And I think maybe it might be what you’ve got on. Yep. Pretty much. If it’s not my caregiver shirt, shout out, right? I love, I love seeing all the caregivers wear a different color of this shirt.

It makes me so happy. It should be our like uniform. Yes, I have a white one. I will link to it so that people can get, yeah, from Hey caregiver, Donnyda Brown. I think that one’s, that one’s her care caregiver shirt. It’s beautiful. So, yes. So favorite thing to wear, you will find me in biker shorts and an oversized t-shirt all day long. Like if I’m at home, that’s probably what I’m wearing. It was interesting having to dress up for work again every day. Um, I found a dress at a big retail.

er that I love and it’s comfortable. I seriously bought it in like 4 different colors and I rotate them and I call it my work mumu. And perfect. I feel I’m like, oh, thank God I can be comfortable at work. So yeah, I’m we may have to share the link with me. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Everybody needs a comfortable. Does it have pockets? Yes, it does. It has pockets. It needs pockets. I don’t have to iron it either. You can just shake it out and hang it up and go.

And you can just like Roy G Biv your whole week like so you can keep straight of what your which color you’re you’re wearing next. I love it. You know, I think as caregivers and busy people, and I know I felt this way as a sandwich generation caregiver working, you want less decisions, less to take care of. It’s like, how can we make things easier, simpler. And, and the decision fatigue is so real. And so that is a way that you’re like, I don’t have to think about it.

This is what I’m. Yep, yep. And it’s comfortable. I struggled with like, I wanted to like be in style, you know, back in the day when my kids were younger and I wasn’t caring for my dad, like I would have makeup on all the time. I was trying Trying to be fashionable. And now I’m like, give me comfort. Is it comfortable comfortable and is it functional? If it if it’s those two things, I’m good. Well, those of you who are looking for digital influencers, this is, yeah, Cameron’s sweet spot, but definitely, definitely send us the link because I know people are gonna ask me for that. Awesome.

One more question. I’m the answer if you don’t want, but have you been dating? Why caregiving? So yeah, so that is a little bit tricky and interesting. I can imagine. Yeah. So number one, do I even have time for it like a mental space, you know, um, but I, I have dated a little bit. I Um, I’m still not super comfortable with like putting it all out there for the world to see it still feels very like intimate and bad for you. Yes, yes, and there’s challenges in it.

There are things that, you know, I, yeah, so I don’t know. I’m kind of in a space where now, especially starting a new job that I really have less and less time and I had to kind of like step back and, and sort my priorities again. And so that has kind of like moved a little bit to the, to the back a little bit. And we always are restoring and, and the clarifying the priorities. I appreciate that. And if if it makes sense and it’s something you know you want, um, my mom, she, her first husband died of cancer and then there was a six year break before she had me and my other sister.

She did remarry, met my dad and she called him her hero. And so if it’s meant to be, I hope you find a hero, you know, that’s that’s willing to not like take you apart, but like, hey, come into this. Let’s get our hands dirty together. And that’s what we all deserve, right? Yeah, yes. Well, you are, I’m grateful for our conversation, Cameron, and we could certainly keep it going, but we’ve got to tie it up so that it makes it accessible for people, other people to listen to.

So, but any parting words of wisdom for caregivers and then certainly where should they go to find you, to connect with you if they, if they’re not already. Right, right. If you’re not connected, please connect. Um, words of wisdom, be easy on yourself and advocate. If you don’t like the way something is going, change it. We are the ground, like, we are the people to change it. Things are in our control. There are things that are out of your control, but I think within that realm, you can adjust and change.

So be open to adapting, adjusting, be easy on yourself, even though I’m not super easy on myself all the time. Do as I say, not as I do. And then, as far as socials, I am gym Cam fam across all platforms, um, gym Camamm on TikTok, Gym Camamm on Facebook, uh Gym Camamm on Instagram. So yeah, find me there and follow along and enjoy. Oh, that is my life. Yeah. And be sweet while you’re there, be sweet to her as well. Thank you so much, Cameron. I hope that, you know, I’m excited to see what happens in the next year journey.

I know you’re gonna do, you know, you’re a great, uh, advocate in this space, and so I just really appreciate. The work that you do for your family and for, for our community. I’m so honored to to be in this position. It’s not something that I never thought that I, you know, I couldn’t have planned it, but I’m, I’m honored to be where I am, really. Yes, it is. It’s got a, it’s got a mixed bag. I wouldn’t trade it for the world either. I think that, um, for sure.

It’s I mean it makes us grow. Yeah, it does. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Do you enjoy listening to podcasts? So do I. And I’m always up to support a fellow Career whose podcast I value. Nicole Will, host of Navigating the world with your aging loved one, explores the world of aging and care. As a former guest, I can tell you that Nicole’s podcast has an ideal mix of practical tools and resources and messages of hope and encouragement. You can find Nicole wherever you download your favorite podcast or go to her website, we’llather.com.

Thanks for listening to the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast on the Whole Care Network. I hope this episode provided encouragement and practical tips to infuse into your life. You’ll find the show notes and all the resources mentioned at Hahealthy caregiver.com. I also invite you to check out previous episodes of the podcast that you may have missed. If you enjoyed the show, be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Ratings and reviews also help others discover the podcast, and sharing with a fellow caregiver is a great way to spread support.

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