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Happy Healthy Caregiver Podcast, Episode 173: Supporting Adult Children of Aging Parents with Frances Hall

Frances Hall is the founder and executive director of ACAP, Adult Children of Aging Parents, a nationally unique nonprofit organization that she founded when she was the caregiver for her mother. In 2012, Frances began offering monthly educational programs for her fellow faculty and university staff and then for her broader North Carolina community. Since then, ACAP has grown to nine chapters in four states and continues to grow.

In this episode, learn what makes the ACAP Community different from a typical support group, how Frances gave herself grace while caregiving, and how journaling was healing in her caregiving season.

Scroll to the bottom of this page to see the full-show transcription.

 

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Do you want to earn cash in exchange for your opinion? Rare Patient Voice (or RPV) helps connect researchers with patients and family caregivers for over 700 diseases and conditions. For patients and caregivers, RPV provides the opportunity to voice their opinions to improve medical products and services while earning cash rewards. Rare Patient Voice – helping patients and caregivers share their voices! If you are interested, join the RPV panel at: https://rarepatientvoice.com/happyhealthycaregiver

 

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Words of Encouragement

Each episode starts with a few words of inspiration or motivation from the Happy Healthy Caregiver Jar. Create your jar by downloading the Caregiver  Jar inserts.  Enhance your jar with the Caregiver Jar refill pack.Caregiver Jar Inserts PDF

‘Caring is being there even when you want to be somewhere else. #CaregiverJar

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Links & Resources Mentioned

 

Someone Else's Shoes by Jojo Moyes

Aloha protein bars

 

 

Just for you a daily self care journal book cover

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Favorite moments & quotes from the episode

‘‘I unabashedly say that I started ACAP to help me help my mother, and it just happened to be that there are a lot of other people who needed it also.’ – Frances Hall #ACAPcommunity #familycaregiver

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‘Self-care is really understanding who you are, what you need, and making that happen. [It is] giving yourself grace; treating yourself as you would treat someone else that you care about.’ – Frances Hall #agingparents #caregiving

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‘It does not matter who you are, what your education is, what your socioeconomics are – nothing matters when it is your loved one. Understanding the need for caregiving and the need for your own care becomes really important…give…

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Full Transcription

This is the whole care network helping you tell your story. One podcast at a time content presented in the following podcast is for information purposes, only views and opinions expressed in this podcast are solely those of the host and guest and may not represent the views and opinions of the whole care network. Always consult with your physician for any medical advice and always consult with your attorney for any legal advice. And thank you for listening to the whole care network.

I unabashedly say that I started ACAP to help me help my mother and it just happened to be that there are a lot of other people who needed it also.

Caring for aging parents or other loved ones while working, raising Children and trying to live your own life, wondering how to find the time for your personal health and happiness. Well, you’re in the right place. Welcome to the Happy Healthy caregiver podcast to show where real family caregivers share how to be happy and healthy while caring for others. Now, here’s your host, Family Caregiver and certified caregiving consultant, Elizabeth Miller.

Hello, everyone. Thanks for tuning in to the happy healthy caregiver. Podcast, which is part of the whole care network. If this is your first time listening, welcome. This is a show produced biweekly to help family caregivers integrate self care and caregiving into their lives. Also exciting news that the Happy Healthy caregiver podcast is now part of whole care network radio. It’s a live stream radio channel. So I will link to that in the show notes as well. Is your company looking for a speaker for their employee resource group or are you part of an organization that’s planning an upcoming Expo conference or appreciation lunch for caregivers?

If so consider passing along my name and happy, healthy caregiver. And as a potential speaker for your event, I’m available as an in person or virtual speaker and I enjoy connecting with family caregivers and fast tracking them to support and resources. I’ll link to my speaker page which includes a speaker demo video in the show notes page for today’s segment of what I’m reading. I listened to a book by one of my favorite authors, Jojo Moyes called someone else’s shoes. It’s basically a story of mix ups, mess ups and making the most of second chances and who are we or who are you when we are forced to walk in someone else’s shoes.

I gave this three out of five stars on good reads and I enjoyed what literally transpires after two women accidentally exchange shoes. The stories are entwined. One of a story of devastation. One of glorifying confidence, there’s fun characters and adventures and the audio narration is British and so well done. I will link to the book in the show notes page for the favorite thing segment of this show. I’m going to call out the Aloha brand of protein bars. So I have been fixated on trying to get enough protein in my day.

I have found that I just don’t eat enough protein. And so sometimes shakes and bars are really helpful to me on top of, you know, eating meat and other sources of protein at meal time. And as family caregivers, we need sustainable snacks with quality ingredients and these come in so handy when we’re running from one place to the next, I like to keep protein bars on hand for situations where I’m feeling hangry or need some kind of a quick grab and go nourishing snack. So these ones are tasty.

They have high quality ingredients, they’re vegan, they’re low sugar, gluten free, paleo, low carb, non GMO Stevia, free, soy, free. No, no sugar alcohol sweeteners. Who? So I’ve tried different flavors and they, I haven’t had a bad one yet, but I’m going to put in the show notes page, a specific flavor called the peanut butter chocolate chip. Uh Now on Amazon, you have to commit to a whole case. So the show notes is going to be a whole case of these. So you might want to see what they look like but head somewhere else.

I get mine individually at Whole Foods. If you want to try one and see what that’s like or if you’re just some crazy risk taker, go for it. Order the whole case worse comes to worse. You can, you know, give them out to friends and family, tuck them in your purse, your briefcase, your car, your desk drawer and even your kids lunches before we get into today’s caregiver spotlight episode, I want to shine the light on our episode. Sponsor Rare Patient Voice. Do you want to earn cash in exchange for your opinion?

Rare Patient voice or R PV helps connect researchers with patients and family caregivers for over 700 diseases and conditions for patients and caregivers. R PV provides the opportunity to voice their opinions to improve medical products and services while earning cash rewards. Rare patient voice, helping patients and caregivers share their voices if you are interested, join the R PV panel at Rare Patient voice. com/happy healthy caregiver.

Let’s meet today’s caregiver in the spotlight. Francis Hall is the founder and executive director of AC A P adult Children of aging parents, a nationally unique nonprofit organization that she founded when she was the caregiver for her mom. In 2012, Francis began offering the monthly educational programs first for her fellow faculty and staff at a small university and then for her broader North Carolina community. Since then, AC A P has grown to nine chapters in four states and is continuing to grow in this episode. Learn what makes the AC A P community different from a typical caregiver support group. How Frances gave herself grace while caregiving for both her mother and her husband and how journaling played a healing role in her caregiving season. Enjoy the show.

Hi, Francis. Welcome to the Happy Healthy Caregiver Podcast. Hello there. How nice. I, I’m so honored to be here. Thank you. Yes. Well, we’re gonna have a great conversation and I’m excited to dive into your story and share all of your tips. But first we kick off some words of wisdom from the Happy Healthy Caregiver Jar. So let’s see what we’ve got for in store for your episode today. Uh Francis, here we go. All right. Let’s get your thoughts on this. It says pairing is being there even when you want to be somewhere else.

Oh, singing my song and a lot of other people. Um Yeah, what comes to my mind first off is simply that we may really want to be the caregiver we want to give back particularly. Now, I’m coming out of that space of parents and older adult with ones. So a lot of times I certainly, I certainly experienced and I hear people talk about this is my opportunity to give back to my parent or to my loved one. But the reality is, uh, caregiving can get hard. It can be a long, difficult isolating journey.

And so, yeah, there are those times that, that we are doing what we feel like we need to do and, and deep down one to do. But there also is this tug of, oh my word. I would love to be doing something different than this. Exactly. There’s a lot of difficult emotions, I think that come up with caregiving and, you know, resentment and guilt and you get to kind of, you learn a lot about yourself. I think in this season of your life, uh, there are many times where I would have loved to just kind of like take it and someone else deal with this for a while.

But yet I think caregivers we show up, you know, and we do a lot of that invisible labor, um, every day. And that’s, you know, we’re here to say thank you, Francis. And I are just, you know, want you to know that we see you, we save all everything that you’re putting into this. Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, I know you have your caregiving story. Francis, tell us a little bit about how caregiving happened to you in your life. Um, mine really starts, um, when my mother was caring for her mother.

So I would have been at that point probably in my thirties, I guess. And I was watching my mother, my mother took an early retirement to care for her mother. Um, my grandmother at that point was 90 ish and as I say, two weeks after my mother retired, my grandmother took to her bed, uh uh, meaning that she became bedridden. And for the next five years, the next 3.5 years, my mother cared for her as a vet patient, completely alone 143 hours a day, seven days a week for 3.5 years.

And then finally, grandma went into a nursing home. So I watched my mother do all of this and just was so consumed with how do I help and hadn’t a clue how to help. So then we fast forward, my grandmother passes, we fast forward. And at the age of 89 my mother was diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer. And so decided to move near me. I live in North Carolina. She lived in Alabama. And so she moved to be near me. And I had always known that I would be my care, my mother’s caregiver, I wanted to be, I wanted to do that for her.

But when we actually got there, it was a lot tougher than I ever thought it would be. And so I was working full time at a small university at that point and he was sort of running out the door every other day saying I will be back some time mom has an emergency and I would get back later that day, the next day, the next week. Not really good for a career by any means. Um, but, but during all of that, I came to realize that I was newly married, I didn’t want to give up the marriage wasn’t planning to give up the marriage.

I want, I had a mother that needed the help and I had a job that was more than full time and I decided something has to get. So I stopped working to have time to spend with my mother. And I will never regret that. I’m really glad that we had that time that we could be together and that I can do what I, what I could for her. But yeah, caregiving is tough and it doesn’t have to be that somebody is bedridden. It can be an emotionally difficult journey and emotionally difficult, not only for the caregiver, but also for the person who is aging and finding themselves in such a different situation that they never want to be in.

So, yeah, how did watching your mom and when she cared for her mother, how did that inform how you wanted to do it maybe differently? Um, I, I was real clear that I wanted to do everything I could for my mother. But I also was really hoping that my mother would do things differently than her mother had done and to some degree she did. Um, I, I think one of the things that it did and, and what kind of came back to me as I was caring for my mother is, who can help?

Where are the resources, you know, where do you go? Who do you turn to when you really don’t know what to do, you know, how, how to do this. And that’s really how AC A P started is because I didn’t know the resources. I knew my mother, but I didn’t know the resources. And so trying to put together the resources is really what gave impetus to, to ac a to what you, you started. What were some of the initial resources that you were like? Ok, this is helpful.

Um I found out about in, in our area, we have uh through our area agency on aging. We have a particular person who is designated as the the family caregiver, support specialist and making connection with her and finding out all the resources that she knew about was enormously helpful. OK, so I need um I need a caregiver, where do I turn? I don’t know, go down, you know, through the Yellow Pages or online and just pick a name or that didn’t seem very, very wise. So they were able certainly not to say this is the organ you need to go with, but at least gave me some resources that then I could go and find out about um some other things or even just uh you know, where, where are some opportunities for engagement, for an older person?

Um Where can someone live who is not from the area, an older person who doesn’t need a lot of help but needs some help. Um So, so those kinds of things so good. Yeah, we there’s they’re like golden people when you find them that can fast track you to the resources. And I definitely hope that happy healthy caregiver is seen as one of those resources for folks um for sure. And sometimes I find the resources for caregivers are not just um the ones for their care recipient, but also can help simplify by their lives, make it easier so that they have more time to focus on caregiving.

And one of the examples I’m thinking of are like, I love my mobile dog groomer because my mobile dog groomer comes to my house. My dog goes out there. It saves me so much time and it has saved me time so that I can then be doing other things with that time. Um Yeah, I think the the mobile, I love the, the telehealth, the mobile world of what is happening out there can really uh help provide uh resources there. Now, you, you’ve cared for more than one person though.

You um you had an another caregiving role happen to you. Right. Right. My husband, yeah, my husband a year after my mother died, my husband was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia and we did that journey for 15 months. He was absolutely amazing. Um a very healthy fit cyclist, you know, somebody that oh Yeah, I’m gonna go out and ride 30 miles every day on a bicycle. Uh, so that’s the, that’s the kind of person that he was. Um, but yeah, that was, that was a very different journey. It’s very different to care for, uh, to be the caregiver for a parent versus a spouse, um, in all kinds of ways.

But, um, equally powerful. Um, yeah. Are, are you comfortable sharing any of the differences? I mean, I, I obviously the intimacy part of it. Uh, what, what other, different, what are some other things that kind of strike you as being different? You know, I remember an early AC A P program and I remember this woman sitting on the front row and I’ve forgotten what the topic was, but I remember that she raised her hand. She said so with my daughter, with my child, I have an instant built in respect with my mother.

She was caring for her mother at that point and she said there is none of that. You know, there is no respect for my role as a caregiver. That’s sort of what I found with my mother and my husband with, with a parent. They’re the ones who cared for us when we were, when we were young. So for us now to be caring for them, for us, it’s, it’s sort of payback time sometimes. Um, for them it’s, oh, no, I’m still the parent and, and that real difficulty in not giving up that role because they never do.

Um, and we don’t want them to, but that shift in being from there being independent to being more deep ended with a spouse, we start as partners. We start as equals. There isn’t this, this, um, um, dominant, inferior relationship that we have with parents. And even though we become adults and, and that, that, uh, relationship shifts from being a parent and child to being more pure, rarely, I think, does it actually get to be that peer to peer kind of relationship with a parent? Whereas we start off with that with a spouse or with a partner.

So, so yeah, it was, it was very, very different. I, I could say things and do things for my, for my husband um with my husband and he understood it differently and appreciated it differently than my mother did. Yeah. Well, I’m sorry for your loss on both accounts because I know that that was not the, probably the story that you had kind of seen for your life play out too. I think there’s an expectation for our parents that, you know, none of us want to outlive our children’s life.

Uh But for our partners, we, we, we want them around. So I know that that’s likely been a hard thing. So the um you mentioned AC A P a couple times. So let’s dig into that. What is your, how did this ac a community and AC A P stands for adult Children of aging parents community. How did this get, get to be? Right. Well, as I was running out the door saying my mother has an emergency, I was working at a small university and I started having conversation with other people, other uh staff and faculty and staff and realized that there were a good number of us kind of doing the same thing that we are caring for our parents.

And we haven’t a clue how to do that. We don’t know where the resources are. So I started inviting them to just, you know, bring, bring your lunch. Let’s once a month, just sit down and just talk thinking that somebody would know something that could be helpful to me or to someone else. So we did that for several months and what I realized is that we’re really not helping each other. We just are sitting around kind of be a and I decided, you know, I need more than this.

And, and I unabashedly say that I started AC A P to help me help my mother. And it just happened to be that there are a lot of other people who needed it also. So after several months, I’m just doing sort of a support group, informal support group. I started inviting speakers to come in once a month and it would be faculty from, from the university. It would be um area agency on aging people. It would be, you know, all kinds of people coming in to do different programs.

Um And so what happened was that I had, I had been doing the programs on the university campus for about a year or so, I was able to stop work to have time with mom. And, um, I have begun hearing people in the community ask, when are you gonna bring this into the hickory community? Because we can’t get out to the campus for lunch and learn. So I started offering the programs in the hickory community at night. Um, started it with like, I don’t know, eight people or something like that.

And within about four months it had it, it uh mushroomed to about 45 people, uh 3545 people every month who were coming to the programs. And um then I have now a friend who I didn’t know her at all who um was or is a phd uh disabilities expert, uh dis disability specialist who also was the caregiver long distance caregiver for her parents in Northern Virginia. Jane started coming to the programs and realized, oh, there is really something here and she partnered with me for a while and we became a 51 C three and developed the curriculum and put a lot of pieces in place.

So, yeah, how, what, what makes the AC A P community, what makes it like different than a typical caregiver support group? Um The core of AC A P is education. So we have this curriculum, we have a, a particular I’m gonna call it a formula. Um But we, we are very clear that the programs are educational programs, they are evidence informed, evidence-based programs that it is not as I call it a thinly veiled commercial for any person or organization or business. It is. Let us provide for you real substantive information.

Um That’s a, that’s a difference. One of the, one of the foundational differences is that our focus is on the adult child of an aging parent and that’s different. That’s nationally unique. Nobody else is doing quite that. It’s typically caregivers in general, not the adult child, but my experience in my conversations say that we who are the adult child, we’re the ones taking time off from work. We’re the ones who are making sure that mom and dad get the doctor or get groceries or, or, or, or we are the ones making it happen.

And so that’s different. Um, making sure that the programs, um, are done at the same time, the same place, the same day, at the same time and place, um, every month that’s sometimes a little bit different um, from others because they kind of travel around or it can be at different times, different days. Um Even the fact that we don’t have caregiver in the name, um, suggest and we really are intentional, but this is not just for people who are caregivers. Although we know that there are novel of caregivers who don’t consider themselves caregivers, you know, that they just, they’re just doing what needs to be done.

They’re not a caregiver. They, daughter, son, a spouse. A, yeah, an aunt or whatever. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. So, there really are a combination of things. The curriculum is, uh, is very specific, uh, what the, the programs that we are offering and in fact, the, the original, we’re in the process of updating it, but the original curriculum was nationally validated and copyrighted. And so we now, because that was in 2013 and we now are 10 years, 10 years after that updating that based on new research. Well, I can, I can echo what you’re saying as Francis as far as that because one of the things is we’re starting a chapter.

Um, so I’m in the Atlanta area for my county Cobb County and the neighbor neighboring county Cherokee. We have an Atlanta chapter, but we’re starting a Cobb Cherokee chapter in Northwest Atlanta. And that’s kicking off in February of 2024 and my position on our leadership committee. So that’s a, say, another difference of a support group is usually there’s like one person kind of running the show. This is a group of people with varying expert ts. Um And so me and, and another fellow leader are in charge of the programming.

So, taking your curriculum and matching it up with people in our community who can be the resources for them and making sure that it’s not sales focused and that they are sticking to the, the talking points and really providing value, rich content and educational value for the attendees. Um And I think about like how amazing that would have been for me to have to have that. So thank you for what you have created. I’m excited to kick off our chapter. I think it’s gonna be, it’s, it’s a, it’s work.

It’s, it’s, it’s a, it’s amazing. Um But it’s a, it’s so necessary and, you know, we can, it’s harder to do this at a national level because it is so critical that people tie into the local resources. And I think that’s where the magic of the AC P community is, is that not only you’re gonna get these adult Children of, of aging parents together together and, and um and educate them, but they’re, they’re gonna leave with some community and that as well. And hopefully, you know, talk to each other afterwards without feeling like they’ve gotta buy something. Absolutely.

Thank you that uh thank you for all of that, for your enthusiasm. And yes, I am really excited about what’s gonna be happening in Kit and in Cherokee County. Um Yeah, the, I, I had not thought about the, the uniqueness of the leadership team, but you’re right and, and we recommend that there be 14 people that represent a whole lot. Uh, a whole wide range of organizations and businesses and agencies in the area. All local, all volunteering. They are trying to do this. It’s, it’s an amazing, it’s an amazing kind of setup and the people who are involved are absolutely amazing across the board.

We now, in fact, when you all launch in February, we will have nine chapters in four states. Nice. Nice. Well, and hopefully this will help prompt people to say, well, why needs to be as chapter? So we got North Carolina, we’ve got some in Georgia. What are some of the other states? Francis that are, have chapters out there, Pennsylvania and New Jersey. Nice. Well, yes, it’s um so if in so you echo what you’re saying about the leadership team, like it’s, there are people, the types of people on the leadership team for us are like people who own a home care agency or people who help people find um senior living communities.

We have a financial person on ours. We have a Medicare person on ours. Um We have a person who invented some amazing product for um folks with dementia. Um We have a hospice person. So these are the kinds of folks that are on our leadership. Um And, and when we get together, it’s, it’s, it’s really cool to kind of see the uh to see the, the spark start to fly. So I’m excited, I’m excited to get it and of course, I’ll link to a cap community. I’m gonna link to the chapter um when that’s available to, to share with you all.

And um if folks want to start a chapter, so let’s say somebody because I know we have caregivers that listen to the show, but we have also have people that work in this caregiving space, older adult space and they’re listening and like we need to have this in my community. Um And let me be like, it’s not a networking group for these folks. This is not what it is, it is for to enrich um the adult Children of, of aging parents. But if somebody wants to start a chapter, what would they need to do?

They need to get in touch with me bottom line. Um Because yeah, there is, as you know, from your own experience, there’s a whole lot that goes into starting a chapter. And so we, we work very closely with new chapters. Um There’s lots of involved, lots of time, lots of people that get involved with that. So, yeah, the starting point is to be in touch with me. I do uh what I call an intro and an AC P intro, a powerpoint AAA session that I offer that twice a month for anybody who is interested in even learning more about AC A, I’ll be delighted for them to come to one of the intro sessions and that sort of a stop.

Yeah, there’s a lot that goes involved in kicking this off and they, they can learn from your expertise and you have this turnkey process. So instead of somebody having to like re invent the wheel turnkey process, you know, talking through how they can get the sponsorship needed in their area, how to market it. Um And so you’re, I know you have a wealth of information. So thank you so much for, for what you do with the A a community. All right, let’s switch gears. We’re gonna talk about self care now.

So what’s your definition? Francis of self care? Yeah. Self care is simply but taking care of yourself is just too simplistic. It, it really is understanding who you are, what you need and, and making that happen, giving yourself the grace of treating yourself as you would treat somebody else that you care about. I know sometimes we do, we treat everything better, even our cars, our phones better than sometimes we can, we can treat ourselves. What did self care look like for you? Like when you were in deep in the caregiving season of your life with your mom, with your husband?

Like how, how did you make that sustainable for you? It’s really interesting. And again, I think because of the difference in the dynamics and the relationship between my mother and me versus my husband and me, I, I found that there were very different things going on with each of those with my mother. Uh my husband was such a rock for me. Um, and so present so involved with that whole, with that whole journey. Um Otherwise it was basically saying I can go this far, but I can’t do more, you know, I, I’m, I’m doing all I can do and I was, I was about to say being ok with that, I’m not sure that we ever feel completely ok when we know that there are, that there are more needs that we just can’t do.

But I think we do reach a point of saying that’s all that, that’s all I can do. And that that is ok. And I think part of self care is reminding ourselves that that is ok and that really is healthy for everyone to have those boundaries with my husband. What I found was doing some writing journaling. Um and we um I set up, oh really? And I’m can’t think of the name of the platform at this point. Um Caring Bridge, a Caring Bridge. Yeah. Caring Bridge is a wonderful, wonderful platform.

And uh there were lots of people journeying with us, very concerned about, about what was happening and, and the roller coaster that we were on. And so every night I would journal and, and it was really interesting how cathartic that was for me. Um Even when we were in the hospital, you know, he would, we would turn the lights out and then he would go to bed. Um and I would stay up, generally, I would stay up doing caring Bridge, but that, that became really important and being able to have time that I could go and do something that was not just completely concerned with them.

That was self care. But there also for me was a piece of self care of doing what I could for him. Diet was really important. And so I made very sure that I cooked better. Um, and was more intentional about his diet. Consequently, my diet probably than ever before. So, yeah, there are things that you do that, that you have to do out of self preservation because it truly is that, you know, put your own oxygen mask on first. Yeah. Well, you’ve mentioned a lot of things, you know, emotional, self care, physical self care.

Um, you know, but even some of the boundary setting that you alluded to, like, I think there’s a lot of it, it’s not just what the media portray is, what self care looks like. It’s not a manicure and pedicure. It’s, uh you know, it’s, it’s, yeah, those are great, right? But it’s the little daily things that we do so that we can keep our energy up, stay, you know, stay in a good spot of mind and to your point that helps everybody that, you know, in all of our relationships, work home, all of that.

Um What does self care look like for you? Now, you’re a busy woman with the ACA communities. I know you barely got time to breathe. I’m sure. So what does that look like for you so that you can keep this sustainable while you’re growing more chapters? Right. Right. Right. What II I say that I am trying to do this. There are some days that I get it done really well and other days or weeks that, that just are not so good and I think that’s ok too to recognize and to give yourself grace that there are going to be better days and some days not so good.

Um, but certainly movement, getting out into, into fresh air is really, really life-giving. Being in the woods, being on a trail is so if, if you just breathe differently, you know, from a variety of standpoints that’s really important and I try to do that, certainly trying to be intentional about diet, um, kind of learn that with, with Bill. Um, trying, trying to be really mindful of that and certainly trying to have time, whether it is online, but even specifically carving out time to have with friends, um, friends and family, my family is, is not in my town.

So I have to go to them. Um, but, but those kinds of things are really important in terms of self care and self preservation. Exactly. Yes. Yes. Well, you and I would be good walking partners if you live closer because those are, um, I’m, I’m, I love a good hike. I love getting outside of nature and all of that and social self care that you mentioned too is also so important to surround ourselves with the people. Um So we can laugh and we can share stories and feel like we’re connected to a bigger, a bigger piece.

Uh So I love that you, well, you’d mentioned journaling earlier and that we use carrying Bridge Two in my family for my parents. Uh And it was a great way to stay connected with. We have a massive family. Uh and that gets exhausting, right. Keeping everybody updated and all that. So while you’re journaling, it’s also very practical self care type of thing and that it’s saving you so much time to say here’s the journal link. You can go check this out. Sometimes we don’t want to put that all over our Facebook page and this gives you a concentrated spot to put all of that information.

So I will link to caring Bridge in the show notes. Um And then journaling was cathartic for me and my journey. And I used to, you know, schedule time on my calendar before work twice a week. I would go to Starbucks, I would write and then I would do some movement and then I’d still be at my desk by 830 in the morning to start my job. I don’t even know how I did this life like that. That’s when you look back at your caregiving years and you’re like, whoa, what did, what happened there?

What did I do? Um But that was so important to me that, that energized me. Actually, it sounds hard to kind of get up at five in the morning and make that happen. But that was, that was very cathartic for me as well. So I wanted folks to get a taste of that. So I wrote the Just for you daily self care journal. It’s a prompted journal so that if people can try on journaling, see if it’s for them. But the impetus of this book is more about how you can prioritize your own health and happiness.

So less about written with caregivers in mind because we’re doing so many things for other people. Um But how do we reclaim our own health and happiness in that? So I have some questions for you for our lightning round today. Let’s see what your thoughts are here. Francis, no wrong answers. Uh What relaxation strategy helps you the most. So when you’re really feeling tense and stressed, what do, what’s, what’s the strategy you use? I think for me it would be uh Sirius XM. Some of those really calming music channels.

Um Yes. Oh my cousin’s gonna love you Francis. She works for, sir. So we’ll, we’ll link to that. I love some of the like um the, the, the uh what is it first wave and the kind of the classics channels but I know what you’re talking about, some of the chill music and all that. So we’ll, we’ll link to that in the show notes. Um, ok, here’s another one for you. Prompt. Doesn’t have to be caregiving advice. Just anything it says the best advice you ever received and it’s hard to put it best on there.

But what’s some good advice you’ve received? Oh, wow. Thank you so much. Um The, the thing that is coming to my mind, it may not be the best, but it’s what’s coming to my mind. And that is basically to treat each person as if you would want to be treated because it’s gonna come back to you. It will come back to you. Yes. And kindness is free and like, and let’s Sprinkle it around like confetti for sure. Um What do you want more of in your life?

Oh, so many di different things. Um, I could say hours in the day energy. Uh um I think what I really would like more in my life is just time to spend with the people that I care about. Um, and being intentional about making that happen because it’s so easy to get caught up whether it’s with everything going on with AC A P or whether it’s caring for somebody or, you know, our job or whatever it is. Sometimes it’s really hard to say what is really important is to really invest in those relationships and to have the time with those people that we really do care about and making sure that they knew that I think, you know, sometimes pe friends of family caregivers and people that are, you know, in the watching something happen to me.

Like, I really just don’t know how to help them. That is a way that you can help them is by scheduling a lunch date and like, hey, let’s go on a walk together and I, I call these two fur when it’s like you gotta eat anyway. You should probably should be doing some kind of movement and you’re getting some catch up time with some folks. So, um you can be someone’s self-care cheerleader and help that social enrichment because we all need that. I think we all need that.

Uh, but, but I want to say this about that and that is particularly for people who are in the midst of caregiving. You may schedule that time and they may have every intention to be there, but something happens at the last minute and they can’t. So you just recognize that they are doing everything they can and they need for you to be present. They need that friend, they need those family members to be present. But also to understand that if they can’t do it or they need to do something different point in time that they, that, that’s ok too.

Don’t take that personally. Don’t go away. Just recognize that that’s where they need to be right at that moment and keep inviting, keep inviting or maybe change it up. Like you’re saying, it’s like, oh, we were planning to go out to lunch. I understand. You can’t let me bring something to you or let me, um, you know, let’s, we’ll walk around the house instead of going for a walk on the trail. Yeah. Change what it looks like. Or maybe we’ll just share a glass of wine together, whatever you would um, need there.

What is your most treasured possession and why? Oh you know, you always think about if you, if my house were burning, what would I grab? Yeah, there are lots of pictures in this house. Probably at this point there would be two different things um that I would have to grab. One is, oh golly, there may be more than that. There, there are several pictures of the family with, with my husband, um pre grandchildren, all that, those are precious, precious. Um They get the, the grand the kids gave me a um a digital uh digital frame last year that has lots of, lots of pictures on it.

Love, love, love, love, love that give me it’s a great gift. It really is and particularly if others will download the pictures. It’s a wonderful gift. There’s even some you can email it right to the frame like the frame has its own email address. Yeah. Yeah. Ok, perfect. We’ll link to one in the show notes if people want to grab that, absolutely love it. Great, great for um for holiday gifts or birthday gifts or those kinds of things. Um particularly as we get older, we don’t need a lot of stuff, but that’s just really precious.

The other thing is that I have a painting or it’s really a poster. Um is the Norman Rockwell um um golden rule do unto others as you would have been doing it. Um Is that, I don’t know, do to others as they would have them do to you. That is the golden rule. But yeah, yeah. But all of a sudden I’m thinking is that, is that what is on there? You walk by it all the time, sometimes it’s just like part of it because whatever it is, you’re gonna grab that Norman Rockwell.

That’s right. That’s right. It’s a Norman Rockwell with all the people from different nationalities. It is a wonderful, wonderful piece and I’ve had it since college. So that would be one that I definitely would have to grab. Um It has been in, in every house, every apartment, every, everywhere that I have been since my college days. I love it. Yeah. It’s funny when you boil it all down, it’s like the things that are really, really meaningful to us. Um Well, Francis, you are spreading kindness around like confetti and you are doing these things and you are practicing um the way you preach.

And so I’m delighted that we’ve had this time together today. Do you have any other things that you’re like? We cannot end this show without me sharing this or saying this? And then so any parting words? And then also how do people stay in touch with you? Um My parting word, pro parting words probably would be, it does not matter who you are, what your educational background is, what your socioeconomics are. Nothing matters when it is your mother, your father, your loved one. Really understanding the need for caregiving and the need for your own care becomes really important.

So there are so many people who think, oh, well, I’m a nurse or I’m a doctor or I’m a whatever and that I should know how to do this. You don’t again give yourself grades. Um, so, so that, that would be my parting words is give yourself more grace than guilt. That’s what I say. Yeah. Yeah, I like, I like that comes up a lot but you can replace it with the other G word. The grace word. Yes, lots of grace. Yes. You’re doing the best you can, you’re making the best decisions with the information you have at the time like it is not easy.

It is emotionally charged. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. And I am not above big borrowing or stealing ideas. So I might have to. Yeah, that’s the highest compliment embrace. So how do people stay in touch? And learn more about a, a um learn more through our website wwwa A community. org uh wwww dot AC A P community.org. Um And you can reach me through the website or my email address is F hall as in Francis Hall, F hall at, at AC A P community.org. Got it. Ok. We will link to all of that in the show notes page.

Thank you so much, Frances for being the guest today. This has been a joy. Thank you for the honor and the privilege of being with you and thank you for what you are doing. Absolutely. This is fantastic. Thank you. Thank you. Take care. Thanks. Thanks. You too. Bye bye.

Thanks for joining us today on the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast on the whole care network. As always show notes that a company today’s episode can be found on my website Happy Healthy caregiver.com. Just look under the podcast menu for today’s episode image and that will take you to the page with the links and information we spoke about today. You’ll also find other resources on the website along with links to purchase the just for you daily self care journal. When you purchase from my website, you’ll get a signed copy and for a limited time free shipping. If you’ve enjoyed what you heard today, consider subscribing to the show on your podcast platform. It really helps other family caregivers find the podcast and you’ll automatically receive our biweekly shows in your podcast listening queue, maybe while you’re subscribing, consider leaving a five star rating and review or just simply talk it up on your social channels. Let’s stay connected. I’m on Instagram and Facebook as happy healthy caregiver. And until we meet again, please take care of you.

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