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I used to joke that there were two voices, there was the one on the inside that was like, are you kidding me? What? And then there’s the one that actually spoke, that was the grown up, right? The one with the skills that knew how to talk to them.

Caring for aging parents or other loved ones while working, raising Children and trying to live your own life, wondering how to find the time for your personal health and happiness. Well, you’re in the right place. Welcome to the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast to show where real family caregivers share how to be happy and healthy while caring for others. Now, here’s your host, family caregiver and certified caregiving consultant, Elizabeth Miller.

Hello and thanks for tuning in to the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast, which is part of the whole care network. If this is your first time listening, welcome. This is a show produced biweekly to help family caregivers integrate self care and caregiving into their lives. Does your company have employee resource groups and prioritize employee wellness? If so, you may wanna let them know that I offer an annual corporate support package that includes educational webinars, a caregiving panel, monthly, group coaching calls and a whole lot more. I’m excited that employers are starting to get that working family caregivers need their support. And this support also benefits employers as it’s expensive to attract and train new employees and supported employees are more productive and present in the show notes. I’ll link to my speaker page which includes a speaker demo video. If your employer likes what they see, they can use the contact us page to reach out to me. I’d like to thank our episode sponsor Rare patient voice. Do you want to earn cash in exchange for your opinion? Rare patient voice or R PV? Helps connect researchers with patients and family caregivers for over 700 diseases and conditions for patients and caregivers. R PV provides the opportunity to voice their opinions to improve medical products and services while earning cash rewards, rare patient voice, helping patients and caregivers share their voices if you’re interested. Join the R PV channel at rare patient voice. com/happy, healthy caregiver for this episode segment of what I’m reading. I recently read a nonfiction book called Doing Life With My Adult Children. Keep your mouth shut. And The Welcome Mat Out by Jim Burns. Doctor Jim Burns is the host of Homeward with Jim Burns radio programs. His passion is communicating to adults and young people, practical truths to help them live out their lives. My hairdresser who I call my therapist suggested this book and said she recommends it to clients a lot. Along with another book that I’ve read called Boundaries, Our Rules Change as parents to adults. And this book gives tips and suggestions to thrive and keep the peace. Some things feel like common sense and yet I know many that don’t follow these suggestions, including sometimes my husband and I, I wanted to read this so my husband and I could better support our son who’s graduating college and looking for jobs. His journey is quite different than our daughters who had a very specific niche. She was looking for applying for nursing jobs and particularly nu nursing jobs. Big tips in this book are to encourage rather than criticize even shooting shoulding comes across as criticism. It’s interesting that the word should is something I too try to avoid saying in my happy healthy caregiver blog posts and social posts. For that same reason, I had always felt as a caregiver that this should comes across as criticism I was reading and felt there were many tips in here that work for other family dynamics such as being an adult of an aging parent. Ultimately, we all need to manage expectations and bite our tongues sometimes and lead with love. This book is short and worth the read. It is written with much Christian guidance and references. So I want to call that out if that it’s not your cup of tea. I gave this book four out of five stars on goodreads and I will link to it in the show notes. My favorite thing or product that I want to share this week is called Tula Skin Care Eye Balm. In particular, it’s the Rose Glow, a version of that. This is an under eye skin care product that I used before I put my makeup on. I was introduced to this Tula Skincare Eye Bomb by my daughter and this Glow Stick. I’m going to call it s the skin under your eyes while also brightening them. It has a lot of active ingredients in it like probiotic extracts, Hyaluronic acid, caffeine, rose, hip oil, and rose water, apple and watermelon and blueberry essences. I’m not alone in liking this product. It has over 13,000 Amazon ratings and a 4.4 star rating. Check it out and see if you like this under eye balm. Let’s meet today’s caregiver in the spotlight. Edla Prevette is a mental health count who cared for both of her parents. Ed’s professional and personal care experiences are being poured into a program she’s developed for adult Children of aging parents. In this episode, Edla shares ways in which you can increase cooper operation and decrease conflict ideas for caregivers, safe place, handling different personality, temperaments and how to incorporate and how to incorporate exercise snacks into your day.

Welcome Edla to the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast. How are you, Elizabeth? It’s so good to see you. Great to see you. I’m excited to get to talk to you today, but we always kick off our show with a little bit of words and, and inspiration from what I call the Happy Healthy caregiver jar. Um So let’s see what oops, what, what’s got in store here for you today? Ok. Doke. It says sometimes I need to go off on my own. I’m not sad. I’m not angry. I’m just recharging my batteries. Yes. Are you want to know what I think about that? What does, what does that make you think of? No, I think about that. Well, as a caregiver, um I think so much of the time to regulate my emotions. Um I think it’s so important for us to just take a minute by ourselves and it doesn’t mean that um well, we might be angry or we might be sad, but I think it’s just a matter of being with our thoughts, having a minute to sort of regulate our nervous system so that we can continue to do this work for, you know, for our loved ones or our family or our clients or whoever we’re working with. So, yeah, that’s a lot. Did you have a place that you would go to retreat, to retreat and kind of do, do this? Yeah. Well, there’s multiple places. It sort of depends where I am. Right. So, in my house, certainly it’s up in my bedroom or I have a great walking area that I can go in our neighborhood. So I would do that was probably the most common but, you know, I’m really big on being proactive about kind of those things. So when I’m working with other people, without even with myself, when I’m going to the beach or going anywhere, I’ve always got my safe place. Right. I always sort of preplan where is my safe place gonna be? And then I’ll talk to my clients about that. You know, if you’re going on vacation, where is your safe place gonna be? So you can have a minute to just get away and recharge and, and, you know, I think it’s really a positive thing to do that. Sometimes it’s the bathroom. Right? Like the, there’s not many people say anything to, you go to the bathroom. No. Yeah. Unless my dogs are following me. I do tell people though, when they, you know, when you go to the bathroom that when you’re in there to be really intentional. Right. So it might be looking in the mirror and telling yourself I’ve got this or, you know, positive affirmations or just in there just being really intentional about taking some deep breaths, not just going to the bathroom or really any safe place, being intentional with um, what you’re doing when you’re in those quiet places. Yes, I love that. Well, we’ve got to get to know you a little bit Edla. So share a little bit about your caregiving journey with us. Ok. Um So I was my parents’ caretaker for over 10 years. Um First it was with my dad and I guess I was really a co caretaker because my mom and I both were, um, you know, working through that process, you know, to kind of support him. Um And then I was my mother’s caretaker for seven or eight years, just myself. And I always, I always say caretaker, but I think, um, you know, there’s always a caveat because so many people don’t live near their loved ones and then some people don’t live with their loved ones. I was, I always felt like I was really more of my mother’s care manager because I did not live in the home with her. You know, like I wasn’t bathing her and feeding her and doing those sorts of things. I was more of the financial caretaker and the emotional caretaker and the logistical caretaker. And I think it’s a good way to put it, you’re, you’re managing a lot of different pieces. I often felt like it’s a, it’s almost like an emotional project manager. Like you, you’ve got this emotional element. So it’s not like work where you’re managing projects, but it’s got that other, other in it. Well, that’s, that gives us a sense of, of who you are. Um Looking back in hindsight on your caregiving journey with your, with your parents. Like, what do you wish you maybe knew sooner? Um, wow, so many things I think with my dad. Well, ok, one thing I wish I’d known sooner was just sort of typical development of the aging population. What are sort of the standard things. And I think I’ve told you this before, but like when you have a kid, you know, you’ll read about what to expect when you’re expecting or when they’re one or people will read about two or three year old development, but they don’t really read about development in the aging population and there’s different, you know, traits that happen. And so I didn’t know some of the things that my dad was doing was quote unquote, normal for an aging person, but I did not know that. So that’s probably one of the things, it was like one of those things that just like, um, I mean, it feels kind of obvious now, but just sort of reducing his circle, like his social circle and that’s a real common thing. That happens and, you know, there’s different reasons for that. It could be changes in their sensory, um could be sensory decline in their hearing vision. Um You know, they’re just all of that and, and I didn’t know very much about the specifics of how the senses decline as you age and how that can impact behavior. So, yeah, I wish I had known a little bit more like that. I don’t know, I felt just really looking back, I felt like I was naive. I was like, you know, it’s just not going to be a big deal. I’ll just take care of them and it’ll be fine until you learn all the new terms and all the new things and, and you do feel like you get your masters in caregiving that way. But the other thing that’s tricky too is that their temperaments. Like when I think about mom and dad both at the same time, my mother’s temperament and my dad’s temperament were so different that it’s almost like I needed different skills when I was dealing with mom versus dealing with dad. And I think that’s an important part of caretaking too. Some are easier to care for and some are more challenging and you had to try them on. I’m sure it didn’t come to you like overnight. Like what would give us an example of some of the different things that you had to do that were different for mom and dad Ok. So my dad, for example, I couldn’t tell him what to do. I had to like, give him a couple of, um, I wonder if you think blah, blah, blah dad. You know, I’d kind of throw it out there like that and then I’d give him a couple of choices. One thing comes to mind was he, he got to where he’d stopped bathing and so I had to, and he just refused to do it right where my mother was more of a anxious, um person and she was always trying to fix the problem and solve the problem. And that was challenging because your eyes aren’t getting any better. Mom. There’s not anything else to do, right? But that’s not what she wanted to hear. So where dad just was like, I’m not gonna worry about any of this. I’m just gonna let nature take its course. And then mom on the other hand was like, we need to fix this. I’ve got to get my eyes fixed and my, this fixed and my, that fixed and I’m like, you’re 85. I don’t think there’s, you know, some of it’s an except thing. How did you get dad to shower by the way? Well, I didn’t get him to shower and my mother, well, this is a little bit of a story. My mother, I was at work and she just was relentless calling me trying to get me to get my dad to do what she wanted him to do it, it was, it was, she was persistent. Well, I went in and so my dad, um, I went over there and, and my dad, he just thought he wasn’t dirty and that was another developmental thing. They think they’re not dirty because they haven’t done anything. Right. But they also are sometimes too proud to admit that the shower is scary for them. So, the first thing that I did was I went in their bathroom and I kind of looked at their bathroom from his perspective. And of course, now I’m like there were the slip rugs, there was no handle to hold on to, he had to step over into the tub. There was not a slip mat in the bottom. Right. There were all these things. So I was like, and he does not have the temperament to say I feel like I’m, it’s no need. Yeah. And so what I did was I was like, you know, dad, you’ve been out in the garden all day and it’s kind of hot so you’re sweaty. So you need to, um, take a bath today. I said, if you don’t want to take a shower, you can at least take a bird bath. I said, which do you think you’ll want to do? And he said, um, he’d take a bird bath. Well, that was a huge clue. My father had never taken a bird bath in his life. Right. So, I went in there and I got it kind of set up and, um, I don’t know if he took a bird bath or not. I didn’t stay in there with him, but that’s what, then clued me in to go upstairs and look and then we made some modifications in the home, but he still was a little bit hardheaded about just touching. Yes, you would. Definitely. It’s one of your roles. I mean, and you had to kind of, you knew though what was normal behavior for your parents. And so to your point, like something triggered and it’s like, ok, this, this isn’t how they’ve always been. So, you know, what has changed and so good for you for kind of checking that into that. Um It sounds like you had to do a lot of mediating between the two and I, you know, have been there so much, so much mediating, you know, I always laugh. I said it’s a good thing, I’m a therapist, right? Because I have a lot of skills, you know, that I use and that I talk about that a little bit. Like, did you find some of your professional training? You know, as a parent counselor is where you focus for your parents of young Children? Did that translate into helping you with caring for aging parents so much, so, so much. So, just to give your listeners a little background, I, one of the jobs that I had when my dad was, we were caring for, my dad was a, I was a parent counselor for um parents of Children in the birth through kindergarten population. So these parents would come in, their kids weren’t sleeping or, you know, their kids were wearing all these crazy outfits or the kids wouldn’t eat whatever. And so I would give them, you know, recommendations and we talk about how to get their kids to be more cooper. And so it was actually that bath conversation was like, this is like dealing with a toddler. And so I certainly not in a, you know, discouraging or, or, you know, um, way, but I would use some similar strategies with modifications, um, to make my parents be more cooper and to be more willing to consider some things and it, it was really helpful. I mean, I didn’t want to belittle them or, you know, I didn’t want to sound like that, but, but with some modifications, I was able to use some of the same strategies with mom and dad that I, you know, used to teach them. You mentioned one which was the giving him choices, you know, exactly. What are some of the other strategies that some people might want to try on? Well, the biggest one and I and I have a, um, work book. That’s a free thing. It’s on my website. I’ll tell you about that in a minute, but we’ll link to it. We’ll link to it. But one of the biggest things and I think this is true for everyone, people want to be heard and understood. Right. If you, if you feel like somebody understands what you’re saying, whether or not you agree with it, if somebody just takes a minute to feel like they’re being heard, then when you have to problem solve, you’ve got a better chance of them participating with you. So, but my mother was much more, I use this much more my mother because she was a, um, a pretty anxious person and, um, you know, just much more of an emotional person, let’s just say. And so I would always lead the conversation with something like, well, mom, I can tell you’re really worried about that or it’s really frustrating that he won’t take a bath or you’re not, you’re worried that you’re not gonna have enough money or whatever. You know, the crisis of the day was I just kind of reflected back what she was saying in an empathic tone of voice and that settled her down and once it settled her, I’m giving you the quick version of this, but once it settled, settled down a little bit, then I was able to problem solve with her or she was able to come up with, you know, a more realistic ideas or strategies to solve whatever the problem was. I feel like you’re talking to me directly because I had a little something with my brother yesterday, he’s, you know, got a developmental intellectual disability and yeah, he feels like he’s not heard often and we’re his siblings. So definitely a different role and he’s got a different temperament. So I’m taking a lot of what you’re saying to heart here because he’ll literally say like you’re not listening to me. Um and, and we always say yes, we are listening to you. But what they’re saying is you’re not hearing me, you’re not understand it back. What I hear you saying is that I can tell that it’s really frustrating. Usually has to do with his compression socks or something. Like he doesn’t want us to look at his legs or like, we don’t want to do it either. Right. But we’re just doing our job and that’s the thing, the kind of thing where I’d say you’re embarrassed for us to see your legs. You use the, you’ve gotta, it’s gotta be a feeling word in there or something. Even if it’s wrong, you can guess they’re embarrassed, they’re frustrated, they’re overwhelmed, they’re worried, embarrassed. I’ve never thought about that. Like you said it though. He’s embarrassed for us to see his legs. Yeah. That to me maybe. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. So, well, good tips, good tips. So, I, I think that, you know, it is a lot of trial and error, right. It’s like, well, that didn’t work and let’s try this thing and, and your counseling I’m sure is, is definitely coming into play because it is, I don’t love the term parenting our parents because it feels a little like disrespectful. Um But there is a role reversal that happens here or a change up or a switch up or however you want the roles change. Uh And so just, yeah, how do you describe it? Well, I was gonna say, you know, parenting your parents is like the easiest thing to say because people just can sort of get that. But you’re exactly right. You don’t, they are adults and they have, they, we need to give them autonomy. However, I can’t tell you how many people call me. My mom’s acting like a toddler, my dad acting like a teenager. Right? And so then the skills that you have to use sometimes are different depending on where they are and their, you know, their aging process. I think just parenting your parents is like an easy thing to say that people can kind of get. But I totally agree. It’s not, it’s not without, it should be respectful, but you can also set boundaries with them and you can um you can dignity. It makes sense that people say, oh, you’re acting like a teenager. It’s like there are a lot of those struggles and it is like a struggle, right? For not power but uh managing expectations. A lot of it’s around safety. But independence, you’re talking about independence. A teenager wants to be independent. So do our aging, they don’t always make safe choices. Exactly. Yes. And that’s where the, that’s where, um, the idea of understanding the development of the aging population because those things, their, their abilities to flip. Right. They, it flips where some of the things that they are doing, you know, they kind of, if you think about like a bell curve, you know, they’re these functioning adults and then they kind of revert back to. Are you a certified senior advisor? Did you become a, I feel like you’re teaching me with some stuff that I learned as a, when I became a CS a, a certified senior advisor, we spend a lot of time talking about that. It’s probably taken from some of the stuff that, you know, um social stuff that people learn about. Um and being a therapist and a, and a social worker. Uh but it talks about that quite. We spend a lot of time as a CS a certified senior advisor talking about what that means and understanding that aging space because then you are kind of coming into it with a reference point of understanding where they are. And I think also one of the big things I learned is like disease is not synonymous with aging. So we don’t have to assume that everybody is gonna die from a disease or get a disease like that was also like, oh as an aging person myself getting the, you know, closer, it’s comforting I think to know that they’re, they’re not synonymous. Yeah. And to your point, um, as a licensed therapist, I have to do ce us, you know, so most of my ce us, you know, are in that, in this aging population arena. You know, I kind of ship depending on what my area of interest is, depending on what my CEO S are though. I love to understand all of that. Um, you know, you had also said that you had to work on your personal composure so that you could be present and calm and clear, like how did that happen? Because sometimes it is like these are emotional times and frustrating times. Like, what does that look like? Well, I think for me without, you know, going through my, you know, this whole my whole life’s journey, um let’s just say there was some complexities between myself and my parents, some dysfunction of, you know, years of sort of different ideas about things, right? So fast forward and I’m an adult and I live my own life and now I’m, which they don’t really have a say anymore and what I do and how I behave and whatever. And now all of a sudden I’m thrown back into this role with my parents and sometimes I felt like, oh my gosh, am I like 10? I act, I’m acting like a 10 year old with my parents. And so, um I used to joke that there were two voices. There was the one on the inside that was like, are you kidding me? What? And then there’s the one that actually spoke, that was the grown up, right. The one with the skills that knew how to talk to them. But, I mean, one of the thing was I had my own therapist and I saw her, um, and I know you’re gonna ask about self care later, but I saw my, the therapist once a week, once a month to sort of just where did my past, you know, my upbringing and my relationship with my parents as a child crash into my relationship with them as an adult who is now their caretaker. Um And, and so some days that wasn’t very clear, but I, I was pretty good at it by the time. Um, it, I think it was harder when I was working with my mother around my dad because like you’re saying I was having to do so much mediating and kind of dealing with dad’s temperament and mom’s temperament and them together. You feel like a marriage counselor at some point? Yes, their child. Right. So, um yeah, it was, it was tricky. And then once, once I was just caring for mom, it was a little better because she was consistent. So I knew pretty much how she was gonna respond and react. So I could, I knew when I needed to really fill up my bucket um to kin to her dress. That’s a good point. So you basically kind of almost anticipate certain situations. And I feel like I did some of that too. Like I had to be in a certain frame of mind before I would pick up the phone to call or show up, you know, for a visit, um, and could anticipate some of the things that maybe we were going to talk about so that you can kind of be prepared if you need to set the boundary. Yes. And that reminds me my mother would, she would go to the doctor and later in her life I started going with her and this is a me thing. This was not a her thing, but she would start well when I was four years old and I’d be like, oh my God, are we gonna go through 1803 years of issues? And that just for some reason irked me so much. Yeah. It’s excuse mentality. Like that’s probably why, it’s why it irked me. I used to have a name for it from my mom. I called it her greatest hits album. I didn’t really say that to her face. But again, that inside voice, I was like, oh, here we go. Track one, track two. Like I could anticipate even the next one. And sometimes then there were some boundaries I had to set and be like, hold on a second. You know, we’re, we’re going to focus on right here and now and the next step, like, especially if it was just me. I hear your greatest sense. Yeah. Sometimes it was me and the doctors were pretty good about, I just said, I don’t have to control this. Like, the doctors were pretty good about they listen to her and then you could tell when they were, like, asking a question to sort of get her back on track. So then I was like, I don’t have to micromanage this, right? The, the physician can do that. But it just, I was like, oh, here we go again. But anyway, I know, I know, but the boundaries is that we have a, you know, there are some other shows where we’ve talked a lot about boundaries. So I’ll link, link to those as well, especially when you’re dealing with somebody who’s not necessarily a nice person to deal with. Um You know, and that’s, there’s kind of a hierarchy to me a little bit. There’s like all these sort of different parts, right? You need to understand the aging, you know, stages of aging. You need to understand their temperament, you need to, to sort of maintain autonomy for them and let them be as independent as possible. But then there’s, there’s safety issues where you have to set boundaries. So like with my mom, because I was always, there’s so many times I was unsure about what to do. And so I, I’d ask myself, did I, was it questions or I’d remind myself, uh, my job is to make sure she’s financially safe, mentally safe and physically safe. So, if I ever had to make a decision about setting a limit or giving her choices or not giving her choices, I would sort of go back to that. And so if I had to be the bad guy and set a limit with her, I felt confident in what I was doing because I was protecting her financial well being or mental well being or physical well being. And so that just gave me a little bit of strength, um, of knowing. It’s kind of like parenting little kids. Sometimes you have to make hard choices and make set hard limits and they don’t like it, but you’re doing it for their well being and that, that was so helpful for me to, I like that. I like it. It’s easy to remember and something that people can do. You know, I think we have found two in cases of sometimes with our aging parents and sometimes even with our brother is using third parties to kind of be the bad guy or bad lady or a bad person. Like not, not bad, like, you know what I mean? Saying, like get the bad news that’s just deliver the bad news, but it could be doctors or yeah, we just had to do this recently with my brother. He’s had a series of automobile accidents and so he’s neurodivergent. So we’re like, well, maybe there’s something going on and he’s not capable of driving anymore. And so we’ve had to go through a third party that we initiated to say is this person safe to drive. Um, and, you know, for his purposes, we had to tell him it was required by insurance. Um, and in a way it is because his insurance was going to go up and, and all of that, but he turns out he’s safe to drive, it feels shady. But you, you’re doing it for your three reasons. It’s like, and we wanted, we didn’t want to be liable, you know, and we just had to check. So I think I totally, and that comes back to something that, you know, I feel like I’m preaching to the choir with you, but the importance of having your village, having your people because sometimes they’ll listen to other people better than they will. You. Right. And so in your case, you were talking about the doctors and then, and sometimes you have to sort of do things like this is required and it just, you know, maybe that’s stretching the truth a little bit, but sometimes you have to, um, get them where you need them to be to make sure that they’re safe, whatever that safety is, whether it’s physical safety or financial safety or emotional mental safety. So it’s, yeah, that’s why, that’s why that helped me because sometimes it felt a little icky. You know, you have to set boundaries with them because they’re grown ups. Right. And they’re, it’s hard. It’s very hard. Um, well, you have a process that you, that helped you during caregiving, you call it your journal log. Tell us more about why this journal log was beneficial for you. Well, there was a few things, um, I would say I did this more with my mother than my father. Um, because there were a lot of extenuating circumstances, um with some family members and some um financial um oh, like not scams but just people taking advantage of her a little bit. And so, and then there were so many different doctors because she, before I got involved, mom had like financial stuff all over the place. She had medical doctors all over the place. And so it wasn’t cohesive and so I might have this doctor that I need to talk to or this financial person that I need to talk to and it just, and at the time I was working full time and my boys were still home. So I had a lot and it was a lot to remember. So I would always, I would just kind of just make notes every day and keep up with stuff, you know, mom’s mood. But then things like where had I been and then, you know, where I need to look at this, who, what doctors did I see, what things did she tell them. And eventually I got her on the same platform of doctors so I could go into a portal and I could sort of look at everything. But um there were a lot of uh extenuating circumstances where I had to set limits. And so I kept a record of that. So if my siblings came back and was like, why did you do this? Why did you do that? Um Then I, I didn’t have to just rely on my memory because it was super stressful. I was, I felt like I was fighting all the time between being composed and doing the work, right? It was like this constant sort of push pull for me. It’s a good way to describe it. It is and everybody’s got opinions, right? And, but if you’re not in the arena with you, like doing the day to day and that’s kind of what it, yeah, that was a little bit what it was like, you don’t get, they don’t get as much weight on that. And I do think that as caregivers, you know, we often we look back and oh, maybe I would done that differently. But the journal log helped you say, like you made the best decision with the information that you had at the time. I i it was really helpful for me and it got it out of my head if that makes any sense, like it just, oh, it makes to, I’m a journal So it makes sense to me. I call it parking your mental traffic. Like it’s just getting it like, ok, you, you live here now? Get out of my head, get it out of my head. Absolutely. Busy brain to busy brain, get it out on paper. Yeah, I get that. So, and it was helpful and I had to refer back to it sometimes because they’d say, you know, just, I don’t know, lots of questions and I couldn’t always recall the details. So, yeah, you mentioned the finances like being a little bit all over the place and I know, you know, with some folks that I’ve coached, I had to kind of, um, I don’t have all the answers, you know, but I can point them in, into a certain direction. But what helped you kind of wrangle all that together? Was there a tool that you use? Was it a system? Was it a person? Um, I did it myself? Um, this is not really a trick question. I’m having to think back. Where’s my journal? No, I’m just kidding. I, I, she, she had a lot of stuff at the bank and at this one bank, but she had it in these different pockets. So the first thing I had to do and this was one of those things I had to treat with sort of kid gloves was to get my name on her accounts and that I had to like, do that delicately because she wasn’t quite ready, which was because she was hiding stuff from us. She was hiding stuff from me. She was spending her money on some stuff that, you know, helped me. Now, quote unquote, um, family members and they were, she was being taken advantage of. So she was hiding some of that from me. So I had to, I had to do it in sort of a, kind of a systematic way. So the first thing I did was I got her on my uh or I got her to put me on her accounts. And then the next thing that I did was I was able to get the power of attorney and again, just talking about it out loud, it sounds like I was being so secretive and you know, it’s hard to dance. Yeah. And II I have heard different things about the your name on the accounts. Like I know it can make it easier for us, but sometimes I’ve heard that it can also make us liable for some of their expenses. So definitely check with your financial person that, that was the next thing that I was gonna say. And then it was like, ok, where do I, you know I’m doing this because in my mind I was protecting her financial safety, right? Because she’s being taken advantage of it. And then my husband I think was actually like, but hold up, how does this now you’re exposed, expose us? And so, well, maybe they could, it also, I think, could be a disadvantage for Medicaid. And this is where, like, again, not my, not my arena but if they ever applying for that, um, but the power of attorney, nobody’s going to argue with that. That’s, um, yeah. Yeah. And it was, and it worked out, I mean, it worked out because then eventually she got to where she couldn’t pay her bills anyway. So, you know, then I was able to do some of that. But I’m glad you brought that up. That’s the, I think one of the challenges about talking about this work that we do is that every family’s circumstances are so different, right? You know, some people live three states away. Some people live with some people, their financial circumstances are different there and a lot of stuff can be done online like we don’t have to, it’s us doing it but nobody would know. You know. Right. Like there’s not, nobody’s videoing who’s entering the password and putting the information in. But, well, good, good stuff there. Now you’re developing a program, um, I think you call it 180 when parental roles reverse for adult Children of aging parents. Tell us about the program. Give us some more information about it. Yes. So it’s, um, it’s, it’s already developed. I’m getting ready to put it out into the universe here this spring, you know, but it’s going to be, um, I’ve talked to so many people and what the, what it’ll be is a series of modules where they get some information, but then we’ll come together and it’ll be like a group program. And so then we’ll meet, um, once a week to sort of for people to compare notes for me, sort of facilitate, um, and elaborate on some of the information that I’ve given them because of just what I said, there’s so many nuances between that and this was just something that it was, I never expected to go down this road. But after um caring for my parents and real, and then some of my clients started talking about their aging parents, I was like, people really need support in this area and some people only need to do a Google search, but some people need a little more nuanced information. So I’m going to, I’ve got some free things available and you know, the blogs and all of those things available for information, but I really wanted to have a little more of a touch um for people. So there are nuances in every situation and I know maybe some people can get it from a Google search. But I know I couldn’t even, I didn’t even know what terms to Google half the time. So I think it’s, it’s really good that you give them some education, some practical stuff. But then, then you have those conversations with them to figure out, OK, what, how did that work? What worked well. What did it, you know? Yeah. And then I think too, some of the stuff that we do online is just so limited. Like I just released a blog about the sense of touch and proprioception. Right. Well, you know, how long can the blog be and how much can you really explain, you know, in your social media, you know, post or whatever? But if I can have a conversation with people about it, then we can really expand on it and we can really talk about their circumstances and what it looks like in their world for their parents. So, and then I think it’s always nice to be able to talk to other people that are in the trenches with you. You know, there’s people are empathic and, you know, they, they get it. But if they’re not doing it, it’s just, it’s just another level. So, yeah. Well, and sometimes you don’t even know that you needed something until you hear somebody else bring it up. And, and I think that’s the power of having these connections um in, in a group or what, whatever, seeking it out. Um And seek it before you think you really need it because maybe you could prevent something from happening. I know I would love that, you know, we always talk about, you know, being proactive rather than reactive but, and some people do that. But my experience is that, you know, most of us kick the can down the road. And I told you, I mean, that’s my experience too. And I, and yet we know from having been there that we could have maybe saved some people, some frustration and some struggle. But it is hard, it’s still hard to change that narrative, but maybe somebody’s listening today and it’s like, oh, I don’t need that. It’s like, how do you know if you haven’t just go to one, just go to some kind of a support. There’s a lot of options. You can work with coaches, you can work with counselors and therapists like Edla coaches like myself, you can um you can, maybe it’s with your employee resource group. Maybe it’s, we’re starting up a adult Children of aging parents group in our county in Atlanta. And there’s some of those, there’s some in North Carolina actually ac a p Children of parents. Um There’s the daughter circles which meet um virtually. So there are a lot of options for people. But I think if you have never been to one, uh don’t knock it till you try it and why not just try it? Like what if, what if your life could be 100 and 80% better to your point? Like, but it’s, it’s, it’s kind of like I would say nine times out of 290, something happens. You know, there’s some, there’s some event, well, and it can maybe it can be a crisis but it might not, you know, it doesn’t have to be a major crisis but something happens or they notice something they’re like, wait, what’s going on here, you know, when. Yeah. So hopefully people will reach out. I mean, there, there’s a lot of us out there that are maybe not a lot, but enough of us out there that are trying to give a little more, um, opportunities and options and having more conversations and, and I think it’s really important, you know, I can’t quote the statistics. You might know the statistics but the number of people that are going to be living over 283 in the next like 268 years, it’s astronomical. I, I feel like I read a statistic somewhere but I don’t want to misquote it, but I, for the, the longest time we were saying 210,210 people every day are turning age 2180. Um, but I just saw a RP magazine that I get, um, that it said 1803,2180 a day. So it’s already gone up by 2180 a day that are just turning 2180. Yeah. But you think 65 is pretty young. It’s, it is young. It’s what I want to know the statistics for the people turning 8595 and 100. Yeah. Yeah. They’re definitely different levels of, of, um, and, you know, maybe we can, we can search for that and that’s another, that’s another podcast. It is, it’s, uh, but the, the point of that is with both of those statistics, whatever the 180 five and one is, is that they are going to need help and assistance with it. Even, even if it’s not synonymous with disease, there is a natural aging process and things that happen and helping them to not be isolated and, and those things too. Um and just to have, you know, an eye on, on things so that there’s so many scammers out there, they’re just horrible people that are taking advantage of people and sometimes it is the people that we even know that they know and they’re so convincing at it. I mean, they’re, it’s so convincing. I mean, even I, sometimes I’m like, wait a minute is that I was just thinking about that today, like all the people that I know in my circle that have been scammed in some way and some of them have been people that I never thought would ever be at risk. The scammers are good at it. They’re good, they’re good, they’re good at it. They make a living doing that. So I think, can I, can I say one quick thing before we get off on another topic, you were mentioning the statistics for 65 year olds and then I jumped up to the 85 year olds. That’s one thing that I rarely talk about um with clients, whether it’s in group or one on one is their chronological age because to your point, you know, a 1803 year old, you can line up 1065 year olds and some of them are really elderly and some of them are like, could run circles around a 40 year old. Right. And I think the same thing is true for 80 or 90 year olds. I just played Coco Ball the other night, there was an 83 year old woman and I was like, that is, those are goals right there for me and that, and so I don’t talk about, you know, there’s some generalities of aging, but it’s also, there’s other factors dependent on that functional age, chronological age. I mean, I don’t think, I know I learned this too and I’m like, what is it? I work, I’m working with a client now and her mother’s like 68 or nine, but she’s really aging. I mean, she’s, she’s having a lot of challenges and they’re not, she doesn’t have a disease. There’s a lot of other factors. But, yeah, she’s already struggling and, you know, she’s not that old lifestyle choices. There’s a lot of things that go into the health and, you know, the goal for a lot of us listening are to be well, elderly people welder. I know it’s, it’s a, it’s a goal for sure. I mean, I’ve seen what it looks like to not do that. Um, you know, you know, I, my situation is a little different in that it was parents making lifestyle choices that caught up to them um that put us in a position of being needing to care. Yes. And the other thing that I would say is like you were talking about disease that impacts what it, you know, you can do. So like one of the things you’re talking about the program that I have coming up, you know, the, one of the things, the way that I, you know, sell it or advertise it is, it’s a, it’s appropriate for these people, but one group it’s not appropriate for is if your parent has late uh stages of Alzheimer’s or dementia related things because you need a specialized skill set for that. Right? It’s kind of what you learn about neurodivergent people. You need a little more specialized skill set for that, um, than you would sort of a typically developing um neurotypical neuro, it’s totally different. Like, it’s not you, it’s like when I talk to parents who have kids with a DH D, it’s like the regular parenting strategies will work, but then you need a few specialized tools, right? That will support your A DH D child, right? And that’s a good point. Yeah, that’s a good point. Well, I want to get your thoughts on the, um, some of the self care stuff. And so this is, I’m gonna ask you some props from the, just for you daily self-care journal that there’s no, no. Right? Or wrong here. Um, ok. What, what’s something that we haven’t talked about? But what’s the most exciting thing happening in your life right now? I have two granddaughters and I get to feed them two days a week and they’re girls and I only had boys. So. Yes, that’s my right now. Well, they’re just babies or, or, you know, little. So I just, what fun you have in store for you to do some fun things. Yes, I love that. That’s a big part of your self care. I’m sure that’s a different kind of caretaking. Yeah, I was gonna say, usually I say it energizes you but you might be exhausted. But that’s another good point. You know, you’ll hear a lot in our universe about the sandwich generation, but there’s also the double sandwich generation because there are some people that are caring for their grandchildren and then they have their adult Children and then they have their aging parents because people are living so long. So there are some people that are, you know, like I’m helping with my grandchildren, but my parents have passed. But if they were still living that would look really different. It would look different. I’ve heard that called TD A club sandwich. Double stacks Stack. Yeah, it’s so many crazy. I would just call mine a sloppy Joe. Frankly, I was like, this feels just like a sloppy Joe sandwich. If you could have one self care product on a Desert Island. What would you choose? Oh, my God. Chapstick. Oh, too funny. Are you an addict? I think I might be. No. Let me think. That was, that’s just the, I think I’ve always thought about these people on Survivor and you can only bring two things and I would be like, oh, my gosh. I think I would need my chapstick. Um. Wow. Uh, I think a journal, if I could only have one thing, I feel like if I had a way to run, I’ll give you the pen, the pen and the journal. Thanks. I appreciate that. You’re welcome. That’s off the top of my head. If I had time to. No, it’s good because then you could park all those thoughts that you mean, I’m sure like, yes, good, good stuff. Yeah, there’s some, there’s not a walk so you’d be able to exercise, right? So you wouldn’t have to take any. Exactly. Maybe a pin that’s also chapstick. Do you have, like, you sound like you’re really good with, like, being intentional. You talked about that earlier? Like, do you have some kind of a, a positive habit or something that you could incorporate when you’re, like, stopped at a red light or when a TV commercial comes on, like, kind of when you just have this, like, opportunity of just sitting? Like, what is something that you might do intentionally with that? Um, well, I don’t know about a stoplight but I guess they could do it at a stoplight too. But at home I’m more likely to do some stretches, like, in, during the commercials and stuff. Like, I, you know, like exercise snacks, you know, like, but even like a head roll, even like a head roll or if I’m standing in the kitchen, I’m pretty intentional about that because sometimes exercise is hard for me to fit in my day. So, if I, um, my daughter-in-law told me about this idea of exercise snacks and I thought, oh, I like a snack. So then I was like, yeah, some, some exercise. Well, it’s just the idea of, like, if you’ve only got, like, I have a walking pad here in my office and it’s like, you know, if I’ve got five minutes between clients, if I just, or 10 minutes, if I just walk on the walking path for five or 10 minutes, that’s a exercises now. Right. And so, like, what you were talking about, sort of self care, you know, just doing some stretches or, um, during those when I have a few minutes, I think that’s probably the most intentional thing that I do. I think sometimes we can get caught hung up on it being like a big thing, you know, an all or nothing thing and these little tiny things can, like, you know, add up. Well, I think, yeah. And it’s not only just physically, but for me it’s exercise really helps with sort of just, you know, angst and worry and all of those things. So, just as much as the physical implication, I think just the worry that goes along with not only being a caretaker but being a helping professional, you know, it’s, um, I think anything that can kind of reduce that or kind of mediate that is helpful. Yeah, absolutely. Edla, is there anything that you wish that we talked about that we didn’t or that you want to just say directly to family caregivers that are listening and then how do people find out more information about you? Well, ok, let’s see. Gosh, there’s so many things I think I want to reiterate because I could talk about this for long periods of time. But I think I want to reiterate some of a couple of things that you and I talked about and one of those is don’t wait till there’s a crisis. You know, if your parents are, you know, if they qualify for Medicare, then it’s, you know, you might want to start reading some stuff and investigating some stuff. I think that and I think um the other thing is just start building your village of people that you have around you um to, to help you with this. And I think also educate yourself about kind of what it means to be a caretaker because some people are like, well, of course, I’ll do that and you just do not know what you’ve signed on for. And so really be um thoughtful about what it means to be a caretaker, what your strengths are, what the things that are challenging for you. Like I mentioned, I wa I wasn’t really into like bathing my parents that just wasn’t something I wanted to do. Some people can do that, but that sort of daily care like that. That’s just not my personality. And so I would encourage people to just think about what their strengths are. And um and it’s ok, it’s ok that there aren’t your strengths like we cannot be good at all of the pieces. Yes, because then you get resentful, you know, if you’re, you know, if you’re expected to do something, it just goes so far against what, what you’re comfortable with. So I think those would be the, the main things that I would share. But yeah, I think, well, and ultimately they should just get connected with you, Edla because you’ve got more to share. So where, where would people find out more information? Um My website for sure, Edla prevette.com. Um I have all the things on there. I have a, I call it the 180 booking technique. It’s a workbook. It’s complimentary that people can download and um it has some really good, it’s like three steps um with examples and scripts that people can use immediately to increase cooper operation and decrease conflict with their parents so they can get that at the website. Um Yeah, and I’m also on Facebook at 180 with Edla Prevette and that 180 is spelled out and then I’m on Instagram at 180 underscore Edla Prevette and 180. Yeah, I do some coaching and you know, I I the group program will be coming up this um spring and yeah, so we this is coming out very timely, then will all connect to Edla. She’s been a delight to get to know. So, thank you so much. I’d love for coming on the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast and just educating us more about the things that we can potentially have a little control over when we are faced with something that we don’t have a lot of control over and that is when our parents need more help from us. Yeah. Thanks so much Elizabeth and you have a safe trip. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Take care.

Thanks for joining us today on the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast on the whole care network. As always show notes that a company today’s episode can be found on my website Happy Healthy caregiver.com. Just look under the podcast menu for today’s episode image and that will take you to the page with the links and information we spoke about today. You’ll also find other resources on the website along with links to purchase the just for you daily self care journal. When you purchase from my website, you’ll get a signed copy and for a limited time free shipping. If you’ve enjoyed what you heard today, consider subscribing to the show on your podcast platform. It really helps other family caregivers find the podcast and you’ll automatically receive our biweekly shows in your podcast listening queue. Maybe while you’re subscribing, consider leaving a five star rating and review or just simply talk it up on your social channels. Let’s stay connected. I’m on Instagram and Facebook as Happy healthy caregiver. And until we meet again, please take care of you.

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