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Happy Healthy Caregiver Podcast, Episode 167: Overcoming Your Limiting Beliefs with Debbie Weiss

Debbie Weiss cared for her father and her husband and currently cares for her adult son. Debbie is an expert in chasing your own dreams despite your circumstances. She is a fellow author, podcaster, and entrepreneur.

In this episode, we dive into the steps Debbie took and is still taking to overcome her limiting beliefs and fears. You’ll be amazed at what has transpired since Debbie decided to stop ‘sleepwalking through her life’ and put herself in the driver’s seat of living her life without regret. You’ll also learn about pickleball, what Debbie calls her ‘constant void’ and how hearts and Glenda the Good Witch inspire her.

Scroll to the bottom of this page to see the full-show transcription.

Episode Sponsor – Edlaprevette.com

Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells with your aging parents? Maybe you have to treat them with kid gloves to avoid a conflict or meltdown. Help your parents be more reasonable and cooperative with this free guide created by licensed therapist Edla Prevette that shows you how to talk to them in a way that reduces conflicts. Eliminate some of the stress and strain that comes from caring for your aging parents.  Turn around how you interact with your mom and dad with the 3 step One-Eighty Bookend technique and get some relief today.

Download your copy at www.edlaprevette.com

 

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Words of Encouragement

Each episode starts with a few words of inspiration or motivation pulled from the Happy Healthy Caregiver Jar. Create your own jar by downloading the Caregiver  Jar inserts.  Enhance your jar with the Caregiver Jar refill pack.Caregiver Jar Inserts PDF

‘You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.’ ~ Winnie-the-Pooh’ #CaregiverJar

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Links & Resources Mentioned

 

Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus

 

 

Debbie's memoir - On second thought, maybe i can..

Heart Whispers

Caregiver Spotlight -Virginia Sampson (Ep 49)

Happy Healthy Caregiver Podcast - Ep. #149: Being a Serial Caregiver with Michele Houck

Beginner Pickleball Set

Glenda the Good Witch from Wizard of Oz inspires Debbie

 

 

Just for you a daily self care journal book cover

Some of the links on this page are affiliate links. When you click on a product and choose to purchase it, I receive a small thank you from the associated company which helps reimburse me for my blogging, podcast, & site expenses. There is no additional cost to you.

Favorite moments & quotes from the episode

‘I realized it was all up to me. I had to stop blaming everything and everyone else. And if I wanted a different outcome then I had to change my response.’ – Debbie Weiss #caregiving #victimmentality

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‘If you just say, “I really need to take care of myself” or…whatever it is that you enjoy, if you just leave it, it’s not going to happen. You have to schedule it in. You have to be accountable to yourself to make it happen.’ -…

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‘Regardless of your circumstances, regardless of your caregiving situation…you still have the power within you. You just have to know it and use it.’ – Debbie Weiss  #limitingbeliefs #familycaregiver

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Full Transcription

This is the whole care network helping you tell your story. One podcast at a time content presented in the following podcast is for information purposes, only views and opinions expressed in this podcast are solely those in the post and guests and may not represent the views and opinions of the whole care network. Always consult with your physician for any medical advice and always consult with your attorney for any legal advice. And thank you for listening to the health care network. It still took me some years to really work through and realize that it was me. I I didn’t realize the problem was with me. I thought the problem was with everything else and everyone else caring for aging parents or other loved ones while working, raising Children and trying to live your own life, wondering how to find the time for your personal health and happiness. Well, you’re in the right place. Welcome to the Happy Healthy caregiver podcast to show where real family caregivers share how to be happy and healthy while caring for others. Now, here’s your host, Family Caregiver and certified Caregiving consultant, Elizabeth Miller. Hello, everyone. Thanks for tuning in to the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast, which is part of the whole car network. If this is your first time listening, welcome. This is a show produced biweekly to help family caregivers integrate self care and caregiving into their lives. Each episode has an accompanying show notes page. So if you’d like more details about the topic, products and resources we speak about or you want to see the related photos, you’ll find the show notes by going on the website happy healthy caregiver dot com. And underneath the podcast menu, click the image or episode number for today’s show. The link will also be in your favorite podcast platforms, episode description. Do you know about WCN University? It’s a digital course library for family caregivers. My first course is available called Six Steps to infusing selfcare into your caregiving life. There are also a ton of other courses and a variety of different topics, search and select for what is most helpful to you right now. Learn more at www dot WCN university dot com for what I’m reading right now. It’s called Lessons In Chemistry by Bonnie Garma. I have been seeing this book everywhere and then my daughter, Natalie loved it, rated it five stars and loaned me her copy and then my book club selected it. This book takes place in the 19 sixties. The main character is also named Elizabeth and she’s a scientist in what especially back then was a male dominated profession. She meets Calvin Evans and he’s a fellow chemist and their story unfolds Elizabeth falls into being a reluctant star of a cooking show called Separate Six. After her unusual approach to cooking is discovered in her daughter’s lunch frankly and she’s teaching women much more about cooking. This book is uniquely different from other books I have read recently and it’s sure to be a good book club conversation and you also might want to read it if you’re like me, you want to read the book before a show or a movie comes out about it. An Apple TV Plus series is coming out later this year. I’ll link to the book in the show notes, page. My favorite thing right now it costs around $15. I bought it on Amazon prime day and it’s called Heat Curls. Have you tried it? So, a little bit of a confession. I fried my hair specifically my curtain bangs this past spring and I really hadn’t had color treated hair in my adult life. I’ve done some highlights here and there in my younger days, but I’ve been too thrifty to continue to do them and then recently to help cover up some of the gray. I tried Bali and I have fallen in love with it. Well, then the curtain bangs happened and they added, and they were lightened and I started trying to style them and frankly, I just fried them, my hairdresser or who I call my therapist hair therapist, Janice, she put me on restriction. She told me I could only brush with my um non roller heat brush like a wet brush and to really avoid putting any kind of heat and stuff on my bangs and to use certain products, by the way, did you know that you should put your conditioner at the ends of your hair and the mousse on the roots. Why did I never know this? So this led me anyway to try and meatless curls to heal my hair and to still have some curl in it. It does take practice to use this little contraption. It looks like a small pillow, soft, bendy noodle that you’re going to put over your head and you clip it in place and then you wrap your hair around this headband. It comes with two scrunchies that are also kind of silky to secure the ends after you finish wrapping your hair around the sides, I feel like you’re going to need a video to go with this. So I will link to one in the show notes. I have the one that’s made by kitsch and I’m going to link to that one in the show notes because I know some are silkier and more pillowy than others, particularly if you think you might want to sleep in it like this. I I do it with really just slightly damp hair. I have slept with it, but I prefer to just keep it in for a few hours where I’m working, take it out and then voil la. I have curls like I had hot rolled them in the 19 eighties in my high school years. So I’m going to link to the, this special heat list headband and I’ll also show you a tutorial that has been helpful for me before we get into today’s caregiver spotlight episode. I want to first shine the light on our episode. Sponsor Ed LaVette dot com. Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells with your aging parents? Maybe you have to treat them with kid gloves to avoid conflict or meltdown. Help your parents be more reasonable and cooperative with this free guide created by a licensed therapist, Ed La Prat. She’s going to show you how to talk to them in a way that it reduces conflicts, eliminate some of the stress and strain that comes from caring for your aging parents. Turn around how you interact with your mom and dad with this three step 1 80 book and technique and get some relief today. Download your copy at www dot com. That’s Edl Apr Eve tt E dot com. And of course, we’re going to link to that in the show notes. Let’s meet today’s caregiver in the spotlight. Debbie Weiss, Debbie Weis cared for her father, her husband and currently cares for her adult son. Debbie is an expert in chasing your own dreams despite your circumstances. She’s a fellow author, podcaster and entrepreneur. In this episode, we dive into the steps Debbie took at the age of 50 and is still taking to overcome her own limiting beliefs and fears. You’ll be amazed at what all has transpired since Debbie decided to stop sleepwalking through her life and put herself in the driver’s seat of living her life without regret. You’ll also learn about pickleball, what Debbie calls her constant void and how hearts and Glenda, the good witch inspire her. Enjoy the show. Hi, Debbie. Welcome to the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast. Thank you so much. I’m so happy to be here. Thanks for having me. Me too. I’m loving all your pink for those people that are, are watching uh the youtube video and Loving on Barbie recently. You’re fitting right in with the, with the theme here today. So pink, pink might be your signature color. I’m thinking you’ve got that right. It’s my signature color. I want to say before Barbie, but I think she was born before me. I don’t know. I don’t know. I think, yeah, I think so. She’s been around for a while. My signature color is turquoise and then for those of you who don’t know what we’re talking about, like a signature color is a color that kind of makes you happy and you gravitate toward uh I think it can change over time. It doesn’t necessarily mean you love to wear that color, but it’s something about that color. So anyway, I love that. Your signature colors paint. Well, we kick up, we kick off the show with uh some thoughts from the Happy Healthy caregiver jar and would love to get your thoughts on this today, Debbie. Uh Today’s inspiration says you can’t stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes and I’ll give you a guess. Who do you think said that you can’t stay in your corner of the forest? Yeah, it’s Winnie the pooh. What was the clue? Was it? The corner, the forest. Yeah. Yes, I love that. Um, well, what does that make you think of and related to kind of caregiving and self care and all of that? I don’t know. To me it makes, it makes me think about you feel like you’re alone in your corner and you’re kind of waiting for somebody to find you and reach out to you, but you’ve got to come kind of come out of it yourself and find everybody else. Ask for help, ask for support. Yeah, I mean, a corner might feel like a safe place to be like you’re back in the corner and kind of see all the sides, but you are kind of backed into a corner, right? And you have less options around you. Uh, and it was a kind of a aha moment for me during caregiving where I felt that people couldn’t read my mind that I had to vocalize what it is that I was looking for and needing because they were gonna constantly disappoint my expectations if I didn’t so true. I didn’t realize that for so many years. But you’re absolutely right. Yeah. I feel like we all have to kind of get there. So maybe by hearing this, we can help somebody get there a little, a little faster. Well, share a bit about your caregiving story with us, Debbie. Sure. Well, I have been a caregiver for over 40 years, started when I was 17 and my dad had a massive stroke the day after I graduated from high school, he was only 46. He survived. He lived another 19763 years and my parents were divorced and he was my responsibility and he, he and I didn’t live together. Luckily because that would have been really tough. But from an early age, I mean, 46 he was living in assisted living in independent living facilities with 80 something year olds in his mid forties. And he went through so many different things, challenges everything over the years. And in my twenties, I was learning the difference between Medicaid and Medicare and all those kind of things. Uh, when, you know, not many 20 year olds need to know that kind of stuff. And so I was his caregiver for 30 years. And then when I had my oldest son, he was diagnosed on the autistic spectrum when he was two. And uh later on in his teen years, developed mental illness. And then my husband uh always had a lot of physical challenges but was functioning until about maybe about five years ago. And his physical and also he also began to really suffer from mental illness. And both those challenges left him debilitated. And he then wound up being diagnosed with terminal blood cancer and six months from the diagnosis passed away and that was only almost eight months ago now. So, wow. So I’m so sorry, Debbie, thank you. That is a lot. And you have a, somebody coined this phrase of a former podcast guest, Michelle Hawk that she was a serial caregiver and uh better than being a serial killer. But you definitely have been as and still are um a serial family caregiver. I am, I am not, not something we choose, right? But um I’m not complaining because I’m sure as all of us feel we have no choice. We want to be there for our loved ones. It’s just a tough situation that we’re thrust into and you are still grieving. How is, how are you doing with your grieving? You know, I think it, it comes and goes in waves. There are days or moments that you expect to be upset, right? Those days, you know, a birthday, an anniversary, a holiday, that kind of stuff. It’s really the, the little times that it kind of hits you. I mean, this is so silly, but just today for like the third time in eight months I have a plumbing issue. I don’t think in five years we had three plumbing issues and yet in eight months, and I’m thinking to myself, I, I just can’t take that, that it might not be the best example, but it’s what’s on my mind for today. You know, it’s that reminder of after being in a partnership for me for 30 years, there’s no more partnership. You know, it, it, that was his responsibility to kind of own that. Yes. And so it was also his responsibility. He loved to cook and food shop. It was like a, a thing for him and I can’t stand it. I don’t know how to cook. I, I don’t like the food shop and that’s been really, really difficult for me to take, try and take on that role along with everything else that’s going on in my life. So, um those are more practical examples. But I just actually recorded a video on this past Friday because I sat down Friday night, nobody else is in the house. And I look up at this picture that’s hanging over my fireplace and it’s a family picture of us on the beach. My boys were five and three. They’re now 22 and 20 we look so happy. My husband looks so great and so young and healthy and tan and all of that. And I thought to myself remember how I felt before we took that picture, it was so stressful getting everybody in their outfits, the kids were running around. Like I can’t even believe that this photographer got this amazing picture. And I remember being in this moment thinking, oh my gosh, this is so difficult, right? I, you know, I, I just want a minute to myself and there I sat on Friday night thinking, well, you sure did finally get a minute to yourself and now you wish you were right back there in that picture. Yes. Have you, have you ever heard this song? And I’ll link to it in the show notes by, by Trace Atkins. You’re gonna miss this. It’s a country song and it will target your heart strings. You know, any mom, my, my kids are about the same age as yours, Debbie and, um, my husband is still here, but he’s a partner of mine. Like you’re saying we’ve been married 27 years. So I’m imagining what that could potentially feel like. Are you finding that one of the things that happens with grief is like there’s a lot of onslaught of people in the beginning that help out. But now you’re eight months, you know, into your grief journey and I don’t believe grieving ever really ends. I just feel like it like it, it becomes like almost like arthritis or something. It just is a part of your body a part of your, but how is it, how are people showing up for you? You know, 88 months into your grief? Oh, I’d say early on, you know, once people go back to their regular lives, you know, it’s, and, and, uh, not that I’m faulting anyone. Right. It’s human nature. Why would they be thinking about it all the time because they’re not living what I’m living and having to figure out what my new normal is and have all these routines and things that you miss that person every minute because they’re a part of your daily life. I mean, I hate to say it but, and, and not to compare and not one is worse or whatever, but it’s different, you know, with my father, he didn’t live with me. Yes, I was talking to him all the time. I, especially the last six months of his life. I saw him every day, but I went somewhere and I saw him. Right. And then I came home, this is a void that is constantly there. It’s constantly there where you live, little things, you know, sleeping and when you’re watching TV, just whatever little habits that you have. And I, I wouldn’t expect anybody to be thinking about that all the time. Why would they, of course, everyone goes back to their normal life. I, in the beginning it was very, very difficult, you know, you feel like screaming and telling every single person that you come in contact with. I just lost my husband. I remember I went to play pickle ball. I played in years and I started playing again because now I could, and I met a woman I hadn’t seen and I II, I barely know her and I just had to tell her, you know, when she’s asking, oh, how are you? Like, I just needed to wear a T shirt that says I just lost my husband or I’m grieving. I, I felt like I needed a sign to let everyone know what I was going through because it was hard to talk about every day. How’s your kids? And you know, the regular small talk kind of thing, you just want to scream, I don’t care about any of that stuff right now. I’m going through something so monumental. It’s so true. I think there was something to the, you know, olden days where they used to wear a physical color black of or, you know, a certain veil or whatever their tradition was in that culture to kind of show that this was a time that you kind of needed to respect this person. And I went to a caregiving conference one time and they had ribbons for like a ribbon if you’re actively carrying a ribbon, if you’ve recently lost somebody or, and so that allowed you to kind of enter a situation and have that kind of visual cue about that situation. Um Well, you know, I, and I, how you put it the constant void. I think that, that a lot of people will resonate with that who have lost a partner. And you have, are grieving the life that you thought that you were gonna have together and you’re young, we’re young people. That’s right. That’s right. Um, and that’s, you know, getting into the, the, the crux of our conversation here, Debbie is, uh, you know, you have a had already started on this journey. What was your husband’s name, by the way, Gary? Gary prior to Gary losing Gary, uh you had already started this journey of and it led to writing your book and, and putting out the content that you do out there, talk about the moment that like something happened, something switched for you. So it actually happened right around my 203th birthday. You know, it had been years and 30 years at that point since I’ve been caring about somebody else and caring for other people and never having a moment to myself or about myself, hadn’t discovered that self-care was important. I know we’ll talk about that and my friends insisted that we go away to celebrate my 50th birthday and it was four of us. And from the moment that we met at the airport, the laughter just started the camaraderie, that feeling of safety of being with women who love and support you. And I really thought that how am I gonna go away. I’m going to be worried about my family. I wasn’t worried at all. I forgot. I really did. I, I didn’t think it was gonna be possible, but I instantly forgot and it felt like I just was able to shed all of those burdens that felt like they had been sitting on my shoulders for so many years and we left and we just, you know, we just had the best time and one night we’re sitting there and we’re having this conversation and we’re talking about our hopes and well, they were talking about their hopes and dreams. And I thought to myself, well, I don’t know what my hopes and dreams are. I, I know what they are for my kids. Right? As moms, we all, you know, that’s what we tend to focus on. But me as a person, I, I have no idea. And in the conversation, something came across my mind and I said to them did I used to be known for my laugh because I have this kind of loud, distinctive cackle. That’s good. I hope we get to that. Iii I don’t know. I think I try to suppress it but I’ll, I’ll try and let it come out. And I said to them was I known for my lab and they all looked at me like I was crazy. And I said, and they said, of course, you were like, that’s what everyone knew you for your, your laugh. And I thought to myself, isn’t that sad? I, I had truly forgotten that. I didn’t know if I made that up or not. Something hit me. I lost my leg. I lost who I was as a person through my caregiving, through just yeah, through my caregiving and through feeling put upon, you know, which was the way that I had viewed my life and my situation up to that point. Why me, why did I have this happen to me? Why is this my responsibility when I would look at my friends and of course, everybody’s life seemed better than mine. And it was, you know, it was, it was difficult, but I, I realized I lost it and I need to find it again. Because when I turn 50 there was something also about that mortality motivation piece that came into my head where maybe I was introduced to the concept and thought to myself, we never know how many years we have left to live, right. But there’s something for me that hit at 29 of, wow, if you don’t do something about this now, you might not have the chance. And I knew that I did not want to get to the end of my life and look back and regret that I didn’t do certain things and I didn’t even know what those certain things were. But I, I just felt that if something were to happen to me at that moment, I would have had a lot of regrets and felt like I, I don’t wanna say wasted my life because not wasted is not the right word, but didn’t fulfill what else I was here to do in this lifetime. And so that was the time that I started to have a revelation. Do you have like a name for what this mindset was before this moment? And the mindset that you have now? Well, I certainly did have a victim mentality, mindset. Absolutely. For sure. It still took me some years to really work through and realize that it was me. I, I didn’t realize the problem was with me. I thought the problem was with everything else and everyone else. So it still took me a few more years and, and a few other journeys that made me realize wrong. It’s me. These are the circumstances, everybody has challenges, they’re different, they come at different times and different levels and all of that. And as we say, you know, if we put your problems in a pile, right, you’d still want to take yours back it. So it’s how we respond to them. And when I realized it was all up to me, not, I had to stop blaming everything and everyone else. And if I wanted a different outcome, then I had to change my response when you were talking. Are you a Taylor Swift fan? When you said the pro I, I was like, the problem is me I, we, my daughter and I went to the Taylor Swift concert. But you’re like that. There’s a popular song. She’s like, it’s me. Hi, I’m the problem. It’s me. It’s like, um, but I, yeah, I, I do think sometimes we can get in our own way. Right. And, um, I’m, I’m glad that you have this kind of reframing and this revolution really, almost like an excavation. Really? Like, you’re in there somewhere. like Debbie, Kale. Debbie is in there and there you go a little bit. Yeah. And you’re, you’ve, you’ve forgot, you know, she’s muted and that’s part of the reason why, you know, I put uh I teach people how to prioritize their self care and what that looks like because we’ve lost that. We’ve lost what makes us uh ourselves and we deserve to live our life as well. Did you? So, what was the next step then? Was it like, did you put together a bucket list? Did you have an action plan where you’re just like new Leaf? And what did it look like? No, I think it, like I said, it was one thing after another. First, the first revelation had to do with losing weight. I’ve always had a weight issue for the minute I was born and I went to Weight Watchers for the umpteenth time, you know, after losing, gaining £260,21976,21976. And plus, and that time I said, you know what, it’s never worked in the past, you know, what is it? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and thinking you’re gonna get different outcome. So I went with a different mindset and I didn’t even know really the word for it at the time and I said this time instead of being perfect, not perfect on off, bad, good, that kind of thing. I’m just gonna go and I am going to commit to going to a Weight Watchers meeting every week. It doesn’t matter if I lose weight, it doesn’t matter what I’m eating, this is all I’m gonna do. And I did that for however long a couple of months didn’t lose any weight, but consistently went and then I added on another little piece, you know, another little attainable goal and, oh, I would say it took me like three or four years and I still have not hit my goal, but I haven’t gone back up more than about £21976 at least I play with and nothing changed other than the way I approached it. So once I had success and realized, ok, now let me try something else. And from there, I, I don’t think I really knew what I was going to do. I wound up going to, I don’t know if you remember, but right before COVID Oprah did this like 21976 or 93 city tour. It was kind of associated with Weight Watchers, but she went to big arenas and at each location, she had a different celebrity that she interviewed. And so, uh, my cousin and I went to that tour in Brooklynn where Michelle Obama was the guest and it was an amazing day. And at the end of the day, you know, big, big arena, I don’t know, 29 or 29,222 people. And at the end of the day, Oprah comes out just her by herself with a microphone, you know, you felt like it was just the two of you sitting there chatting with, even with all those people. And she said, you know, we all have a secret. You have a secret and you’ve been lying to yourself and you just push that secret down. If you don’t pay attention to that secret, it’s going to erupt like a volcano and it is not going to be good. You need to own own that secret, do whatever you need to do. Now, even if it’s not easy because in the end, you will at least be in charge versus if it erupts. And for me, that secret was money, a money issue that I had been pushing down for a lot of reasons and a lot of it had to do with my husband’s mental illness and I knew she was talking to me and I left there and I said that’s it. I am going to own this and that kind of led me on this journey of OK, really what I needed to do was sell my house. But because of both my son and my husband that II I, this pandemic and a pandemic and a pandemic. Yeah. But I, I probably could have done ok with that, but I couldn’t bear what that would have done to them. So I said, all right, my only other choice is to try and make more money. And I had just started to try a supplement and I really loved it and it really did great things for me. And I thought, ok, I’m going to try and sell this supplement as a side hustle. And I had been listening to a podcast for a while and the woman, she was a motivational podcaster and she had kept, kept talking about this mastermind that she attended. I had no idea what a mastermind was. I knew none of this and I thought, all right, I’ll join this mastermind that she joined and they’re gonna teach me how to sell this product. And I joined the Mastermind and it’s 100 and 50 people on Zoom because it was during the pandemic. And as I listened to these people and I heard what they were doing and how they took their own struggles, right? Just like you’re doing and now just like I’m doing and using that to help other people. I thought, oh, my goodness. That’s, that’s why I’ve had this journey. Yeah, you’ve got an abundance of content. Yes, I do. I do. And but that’s why I didn’t even know that was a possibility. You know, I felt like when I stepped into that mastermind room that I, I did step into Oz, like I, like, I just landed and felt like Dorothy into this strange world. I didn’t even know was out there. And so that was September or October of 21. And so since then I’ve been on a journey that has evolved and forever changing. And, uh, it honestly has been fantastic, the people that I’ve met, how my life has expanded in so many ways. Things that I, I never could imagine because I didn’t even know they existed. Hm. Yeah, it’s, I, I, it’s beautiful. It’s beautiful. You, you’ve done a lot of things that you didn’t know you could do. And, um, one of those things was writing your memoir, maybe on second thought, maybe I can tell us about your book. Like who, who would be a great person to pick up and resonate with your book. I’d say a great person is anybody who needs inspiration or hope, who feels like this? Is it, you know, that they’re sleepwalking through their life that maybe they feel like they’re a victim of their circumstances, or maybe they feel like it’s too late where they don’t see a way out and anything, anything like that. And even even that, I think anybody who just wants to maybe hear a, an inspirational story. It’s, it’s th I think it’s about 30 different individual stories of my life that just really track how I, who I was as a, a little girl with a lot of limiting beliefs. Um very low self-esteem. No self confidence, didn’t want to be seen to, you know, now here I am talking on this to you and standing on stages and talking to people and loving it and feeling comfortable. Um you know, it’s quite an evolution and a journey. But let me just say, I never, I never wanted to be an author. You know, everybody I talked to who writes a book seems to say, oh, I always had a book in, in me, right? I always loved to write. I always not me. Mm mm. I was, I’m a CPA, that’s my first profession. I am a numbers girl, number numbers. And again through this kind of these steps that I took from that Oprah date. And I just said, you know, what, why not? Because in the past, I would have said I don’t do that. I don’t do that. Right? And then I said on second thought, why can’t I do that? And one thing led to another listening to my gut and the next thing I know. Oh, my goodness. I’m an author. Well, you’re an author. You’re a podcaster, right? Yes. Yes. Yes. And, um, you’re living your life without regrets you. Um, your book is endorsed by Jack Canfield who is somebody I greatly respect. So we’ll, we’ll, we’ll link to all of that in the show notes and you’re offering a free chapter, I think on your website. So people can kind of get a taste of what that’s like and see if they, before they make a purchase, which is, which is great. Um And then you collaborated on another book called Heart Whispers. Uh and which I thought which I, when I looked at it, I noticed that a former podcast guest of Happy Healthy caregiver was also a contributor, uh Virginia Sampson. So I’ll link to her episode on the, on the show notes. So such a, such a cool thing there. Um You also, you, I know we talked about how you have a passion for pink, but you have another passion. What’s your other passion? I do hearts. My other passion is hearts and he, this is II I kind of actually love this story because it’s so crazy the more I think about it. So I went to college in Washington DC. And back then there was a store in the old post office pavilion which doesn’t exist anymore. It was a store that only sold things with hearts since I was a little girl. I have always loved arts. I don’t know why I just did. And when I found this store, well, I wanted to sleep in it, I wanted to move into the store and I would always try and convince my friends, oh, I think we need to go to over to the post office pavilion, you know, to do something. And they were like, oh, how many times are you gonna go to that store? It just made me happy. And I said to my one particular friend someday I’m gonna own a heart store. I don’t know if it’ll be this heart store, but I am gonna open a heart store and then what happened? Right. Life. And I got to get a real job and, you know, forget about the heart store back in November this past November when my husband passed away the next month. But I obviously didn’t know that. Then, um, scrolling through my phone shopping for something. I don’t remember what and I put parts in the search something I do all the time and it popped into my head. The store popped into my head and then I realized, hey, it’s 2022. I don’t need a brick and mortar store. And the next morning I called a woman, um, who I met in the mastermind, who’s amazing who I knew set up stores through Shopify. And I said, ok, I don’t have a lot of time. I don’t have a lot of money. I can’t ship anything. You know, I gave her all the things. And I said, so be honest with me and tell me, is this something that I can make happen? And she said yes. And uh I have an online store called the Sprinkle of parts. And it makes me happy. And actually the other thing that’s in there is the Sprinkle because originally I was going to name the store something different. I, I was searching for names of people who, you know, I had to make sure the website was available and I had picked a name, same kind of thing all of a sudden I’m doing something and I said, oh, my goodness. I can’t believe I overlooked this. My other favorite thing in the world is ice cream and I like to eat it with rainbow sprinkles so perfect. And it was available, Sprinkle Sprinkle. I so happy just to say it instead of the stars aligning the hearts, the lines. That’s right. Oh, I love that. So sweet. II I love how all of these things are just kind of being put into action and you’re taking action, you’re being intentional about it. You’re looking at your life and you’re deciding this is, it’s time to make some changes. Was it? You know, we were talking about your earlier, the grief around Gary, like, have you been tested to like fall back into the old victim mentality? I mean, that that’s probably not something like you said, that you expected to lose. Your husband could be very easy to kind of go back and fall into that. What was me victim mentality, I think for short periods of time. But I have been able to catch myself and not stay there. You know, and it’s funny because when you write a book that says on second thought, maybe you can everybody, you know, when you say I can’t or this, they, they throw it back in your face so be careful what you put out there. Yes. Yes. Instead of it’s like the teachers that are what, what they used to say in school, it’s like, can I, and then they’re like, or may I, what was that like? I don’t know, can you like, I don’t know what makes you think too. So let’s talk about your self care. Although all of we’ve been talking about self-care, obviously, like this is huge, this huge um excavation that you’ve been doing and, and you mentioned some things already and you said, I’m, we’re, we’re pickle ballers, my husband and I are. Um we started playing pickleball with our kids during COVID and we were kind of fumbling our way through it because we didn’t have any training. Just some videos we were watching, I had to unlearn some things, but we’ve been, we’ve picked it up again and they learned correctly. So tell it for people who haven’t, haven’t been uh I don’t know, have their eyes open recently because it is a, I think it is the fastest growing sport in America right now. Is pickleball. But what is pickleball, Debbie? Well, I, it’s so hard to say. So I was a former tennis player. So to me it’s like mini tennis. Ok. Um, but I know it’s a combination of like, you know, ping pong and tennis and, I don’t know, I, I think it is, to me it is mini tennis. Tennis. 10. Yeah, I never really played tennis but I, yeah, I describe it as ping pong meets, tennis, meets, like the beach, beach paddle games, like, with a whiffle ball. So, uh, when you play whiffle ball, but I love it because it’s easier on my body and it’s not as much running. It’s something my husband and I can do together there. You, you can do with your friends, um, and other people who usually play doubles. Um, and there’s even like, yeah, alta leagues and stuff like that. Lots of youtube videos. They’ve converted a couple of our courts in my neighborhood. They’ve, they’ve drawn the pickle, the pickle ball court is much smaller than the tennis court, but that’s a little lower. You’re using different paddles, you’re using different balls. So, anyway, I encourage people to try it because it, particularly for older adults, it’s something that is doable. Absolutely. You gotta just make sure you stretch because people don’t realize it. I think it’s also like, orthopedists, orthopedists say this is, you know, it’s upped up their business a lot because they see a lot of injury coming from it. So I think it’s think it’s not that big a deal. And so, you know, you don’t do a lot to just stretch and warm up a little bit before you start playing. Yeah. And the other night I, we, one of my husband’s friends was watching his Apple watch to make sure his heart rate, you know, you know, he would, if it got to a certain point, he would sit down for a little bit because you don’t push yourself, um, beyond where your max heart rate should, needs, needs to be. But uh definitely fun. Well, one of your caregiving self care tips was to always have something of your own that brings you joy. Uh Tell us what, what do you mean by that? Well, I’ll give you an example. So when my husband was diagnosed right around that time, I was given this opportunity to join this course for first time authors who wanted to get their stories out there. And I thought, well, if I really am gonna write a book, I’m not gonna be, I need guidance. I don’t know what I’m doing. Like, how does it even work? I had no idea. And I had met with this woman, I loved this woman. I felt very comfortable with her and, and then my husband was diagnosed and I said to my therapist. Well, this is ridiculous that I’m even gonna say this out loud, but I’m considering taking this course now that, you know, we’ve learned about Gary and who knows what the future holds, then what if I won’t be able to show up to the course and what if there’s here you go. You know, all my, I can’t. Right. What happens if there’s homework and I don’t do it and what happens if we have to go read something of our, you know, that we wrote and people judge me like I had every excuse in the book and she said no. As a matter of fact, I think it’s an excellent idea. I said really, she said yes, because you are going to need something of your own outside of Gary, outside of the situation at home with my boys with Gary, the whole thing, you’re gonna need something of your own and who cares if you can’t show up and who cares if you don’t do the homework and if you don’t write a book and, you know, none of that matters. And she was right. And the only way it happened is by me making sure it happened because if you just say, yeah, I really need to take care of myself or I really need to, you know, I’m, I’m not saying everyone needs to write a book. Let’s say it’s play pickle ball once a week or read every night or whatever it is that you enjoy. If you just leave it to ha you know, ha, happen. So, you know, it’s not gonna happen. You have to schedule it in, you have to be um, accountable to yourself. To make it happen. So I’m gonna read at, you know, 93 pages before bedtime or what, whatever that thing is and make sure it happens because then at least one you get, I think a mental break, right? For me, it really is. I like dancing. So zumba or jazz or size or like some kind of dance aerobics does that for me. And besides the physical benefit, it is so great mentally I get into the music, I’m singing, I’m dancing. I forget about all my problems and I can walk in there tight as you know, so stressed, like a big ball of stress and I leave and it’s gone. And then what happens? Then you come home to your loved one, to your car and you’re a different person than you were when you left. So, yeah, you never usually regret those times, right? It’s not like you’re looking back and like, oh, that was, shouldn’t have done that. That was a waste. And, and you, you aren’t going to find the time. You have to create the time and it does take intention and it’s, you know, you tired of like, yes, hold yourself accountable. You’re worth it. And, and I think there’s a lot of women and caregivers out there who feel like they’re not worth investing in. Um And that is you need to talk to Debbie or I because that we’re gonna, we’re gonna help you change that. Uh So I think sometimes we do have to uncover what our joys are. And so one of the activities that I teach in some of the workshops and things that I have are to create your joy list. So the little things in your life that bring you joy because you forget, you know, hearts is one of yours. The color pink. You know, you mention writing, you mention pickle ball, like starting to think of like put, write them down and put them on paper and figure out how you can infuse more of those. And if you’re caring for somebody figuring out what their joys are and maybe where you can intersect and find this commonality so that you can still have this joyful relationship other than just caregiver and care recipient because that gets old. That gets old fast. So I’ll link to the joy, the joyless stuff. And I appreciate that you’re talking about how you’re putting it into practice, um, and making it a reality and an, and an intentional, um, it’s, it’s, it’s doable, it’s doable. Two things can be true. At the same time. You can still be an amazing caregiver and live a happy and healthy life. Exactly. And it’s so hard to, I don’t know, I found it very hard when you’re in the thick of it. I, I thought for so long I didn’t have time. Right. I had to, there weren’t enough hours in the day. It wasn’t that I didn’t think I was worth it. It, I, I didn’t, I never even thought of it like that. I just thought, well, someday I’ll be able to have enough time to do what I want to do. But right now I have to take care of this one and this one and this one and this one and, you know, all the things. Did you drop any balls? I’m just curious, like when you decided to lean in more to some of your joy, uh, what did you drop anything? Did, did anybody get neglected? Did, did anything bad happen? Did no, I think that all of us had to learn and they had to learn that. Now there were boundaries that I never put up before and it was hard because when you’re always available 24 7 for everyone else and then all of a sudden you are not and I’m not even talking about a long period of time, an hour a day. You know, where I would, when, when, uh, I was writing, I would tell Gary either I would get up before he got up and write for an hour at six in the morning. And if that didn’t work for some reason, then I would tell him, you know, when I knew it was safe and calm, whatever I’m going upstairs, um, in a meeting or I’m writing for an hour unless there’s real trouble, you know, don’t call me for till two o’clock and I’ll be down at two o’clock and, you know, once they realized that I really meant it, then it started working. It was just a little bit of a transition period for everyone to get used to. Yeah, you gotta re retrain these folks, you know, of, of, of what you, what you do there. Um You mentioned therapy ta you know, I love the jazz size and the zumba that’s also giving you some social self-care, which is very important. You’re getting physical, you’re getting emotional, so many different things where I think we can combine some things together and really like maximize that, you know, that time that you have. Um And I’ve been enjoying your video series that you have right now. You’re counting down the days to your 60th birthday and sharing a tipper words of wisdom. I think October 9th is your 60th birthday. And one of the videos I caught was called Listen to the Whispers. Uh which was very cool. What was, what does that mean to you? Listen to the whispers? That’s how I got here. I got here by listening to the whispers. You know, I feel like it started with Oprah. She wasn’t whispering, she was screaming at me and it was really time for me to start listening. I listened to the whispers when I felt like, hm, I had that little inkling when I heard the woman talk about her mastermind and I thought hm, maybe, you know, and I looked at the price of the mastermind and I thought I’m supposed to be trying to make money, not spend money, but something in my gut told me, try it. You gotta, you gotta step out of your comfort zone, you gotta try something new and when you hear those little messages, pay attention to them instead of ignoring them and sometimes it happens so quickly that you don’t even realize that it was a message, you know, um I just had one very strange that I’m trying to figure out. But you know what, sometimes, what I’ve realized is it might not be so obvious and someone told me, take a little, have a little notebook or in your phone whenever something pops up and you’re like, what the heck, why do I keep seeing this number? Why do I keep hearing about this? Write it down even if it doesn’t make sense to you right now, maybe down the road it will. And I had something where I was kind of like half sleeping a couple nights ago. And as I was waking up I saw and this is very strange, red and green, almost like Christmas lights and the year 1976 flashing. And I’m like, what is it about 1976? And I start thinking 1976 wasn’t a good year for me, blah, blah, blah. Like maybe there’s a reason, maybe there’s something that I should be talking about that happened to me in 1976 that I’m not, you know, I don’t know what it is, but it’s gonna stay in the back of my mind in my mind now, you know what I’m saying? So, maybe it’s to whisper, maybe it’s not, maybe it’s a restaurant. Maybe it’s a cool bar. Yeah, you’re right. You’re right. Yeah. Like, who knows? Uh, well, it sounds like a treasure hunt to me. It sounds fun. It sounds fun. Well, speaking of fun, we’re gonna do hit some of the questions from the, just for you daily self-care journal, uh, that I picked out for you Debbie. So, let’s see what we got here. It says, um, what movie or TV show could you turn to for a guaranteed laugh? Well, my favorite movie is when Harry met Sally and just last week, actually, my 20 year old and his girlfriend, they wanted me to watch some movie and I don’t know, we didn’t have it, we didn’t have whatever it was streaming, we didn’t have it. And I said, hey, did you ever watch? And of course they had never watched it. And, uh, you know, my son’s rolling his eyes but the girlfriend’s there, she’s sweet. She’s gonna do whatever I want. So, we sat down and we watched it and I could watch that movie a million times and I’m not usually the kind of person who likes to watch over and over again, but that’s one of them a new classic for sure. Did they like it? They did. Except my, my son was super uncomfortable in, uh, with me in the Meg Ryan, the diner. Diner. Well, and we recently watched Ted Lasso, the Apple TV series. In fact, I wrote a post about some Caregiving nuggets. I got from him. I saw that and I don’t have Apple TV. And I know that everybody is, you know, that is just the show to watch and I know it’s supposed to be uplifting. Right. And I was late to the party for sure. But I got three months free through the target app. I don’t know if that’s an offer that you have available. I’ll check that out might be available. Um, ok. What would you do if the internet was broken for three days? Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Have you read anything good lately? Now? You know, I mostly read, um, when I’m reading for fun, which I haven’t been lately, I’ve been reading a lot of personal development books but I did on vacation, got a, you know, a beach read or something that I enjoy. But it’s very strange because it seems like anything I pick up that seems to have a story about a widow. And this is, this was like, it didn’t say it in the description and I’ve read this author many times and that’s not what she writes about. And it’s like, oh, my goodness, it seems to just keep resonating. My friends took me to see that movie with Tom Hanks, a man named Otto, which was a great movie, but it was literally three weeks after Gary died and none of us knew that he had just lost his wife. And I, I’m crying in the movie and my, my one friend is yelling at the other. Didn’t you see the description? What did we take out of this for? So it just, you know, it, it’s funny how, yeah, it’s, it’s uh maybe it’s uh on purpose for some healing. Maybe it’s a different healing. I do feel like once you’re in this space and you’re in this widow space, a caregiving space like they’re everywhere. You know what I mean? And it’s like everything I’m watching, everything I’m seeing. I’m like there’s a caregiver, he’s a caregiver. She’s a caregiver and my husband just like, you know, I mean, it is, it’s like every show, every whatever, but you do kind of see things through different classes, I think. Yeah. Now it’s on your radar. So you’re looking for it. Exactly. Whereabouts do you live? Debbie, what area? I live in New Jersey. New Jersey. Well, is there a local attraction that you’ve never visited but wanted to in your area in New Jersey? Well, you know what, it’s insane that I, I’m originally from Long Island, so always in the metropolitan New York area and I have not been to Ellis Island since they reopened it. Oh, well, that would be a cool adventure. You’re absolutely right. It would be. And, and on my joy list. Yeah. Good. It’s for some, some good stuff there. What last question is actually, what was your birthday again? I’m gonna do your October 9th October 9th. What’s currently keeping you awake at night? My son, my oldest son. Yeah, the one he’s got, he deals with some mental health issues and, yeah. yeah, he’s not in a good place. I don’t know how to. It’s a big challenge. It’s a very big challenge. I could write a book just on that. And my book doesn’t include really anything about him because it’s his own journey that he’s not comfortable sharing. But yeah, I can just say it, it’s probably the biggest challenge of my life. And you know, we all know how hard it is to see your child struggle and suffer, but he’s had 22 years of it and no end in sight. So that’s definitely what keeps me up at night. Sometimes he comes up and wakes me at two o’clock in the morning because he’s upset. So yeah, that’s what it is. It literally is keeping you up. Well, I, I appreciate you sharing that and I realize that sometimes we do have stories that intersect with ours that aren’t us to tell. Um And I can say Debbie with confidence that I believe you’re setting a great example for him, of what living a healthy and working on your mental health really looks like. And so he sees this and it certainly is probably having a, more of an impact on him than maybe, you know, I hope so. Yes, any, um, harding words of wisdom that you wanna share for the family caregivers. And then also I’m gonna listen to all your social medias. But is there a really good place where you could send people to, to reach out and keep in touch with you? Sure. My website is the best place, you know, and then it has all the links to everywhere and it’s Debbie R dot com. You got to get the R in there. Otherwise you’ll wind up on the BB I er as in R as in white. I always feel like I need to know that. Come on, Rob. Rob is Rob, R as in Robin, R as in Robin. Yeah, Weiss. So we’ll link to all of that in the show and then any anything else that you want to close us out with that, you feel like we really didn’t touch on this or something that you just want to speak to caregivers. So I will um it is in my book, a whole story about how I discovered this and I was never a woman with a quote and now I am so I wanna share the quote that’s speaking to me. It is from the Wizard of Oz and Glinda. The good witch witch said you’ve always had the power, my dear. You just had to learn it for yourself. And I had heard it a million times and all I thought it meant was Dorothy. You just had to click your heels and you could have gone home. And now I realize it’s so much more than that. And honestly, that’s my entire message is that regardless, regardless of what your circumstances, regardless of your caregiving situation. And I’m sure it’s hard because we both of us know how difficult it can be. You still have the power within you. You just have to know it and use it. I love that. Well, that’s one way to drive us home, for sure is to drive to drive that home and that we have that power within us. Thank you so much Debbie for your vulnerability, for your uh thirst for adventure and for really kind of empowering family caregivers who need this message. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. It’s been great. Thank you. Thanks for joining us today on the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast on the whole care network. As always show notes that a company today’s episode can be found on my website Happy healthy caregiver dot com. Just look under the podcast menu for today’s episode image and that will take you to the page with the links and information we spoke about today. You’ll also find other resources on the website along with links to purchase the just for you daily self care journal. When you purchase from my website, you’ll get a signed copy and for a limited time free shipping. If you’ve enjoyed what you heard today, consider subscribing to the show on your podcast platform, it really helps other family caregivers find the podcast and you’ll automatically receive our biweekly shows in your podcast listening queue. Maybe while you’re subscribing, consider leaving a five star rating and review or just simply talk it up on your social channels. Let’s stay connected. I’m on Instagram and Facebook as Happy, healthy caregiver. And until we meet again, please take care of you. 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