The evolution of our organization is, is always looking at how, how can we expand with what we can do as well. So DAV is always looking at how can we help the veteran, the spouses, and now with our caregiver initiative, you know, we’re, we’re, we’re also expanding in, in that sense.

Are you caring for others while working and trying to live your own life? Wondering how to find the time for your own health and happiness? Well, you’re in the right place. The Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast, which is part of the whole Care Network, is the show where real family caregivers share how to be happy and healthy while caring for others. Hello and welcome.

I’m your host, Elizabeth Miller. I’m a fellow family caregiver, a care advocate, a professional speaker, author, certified caregiving consultant, and certified senior advisor. If this is your first time listening, thank you for being here. This is a show produced biweekly to help family caregivers integrate self-care and caregiving into their lives. Each episode has an accompanying show notes page. If you’d like more detail about the topics, products, and resources we about or you want to see any of the related photos, you’ll find the show notes by going to the website happyhealthy Caregiver.

com, and underneath the podcast menu, click the image or episode number for today’s show. The link for the show notes will also be in your podcast platform’s episode description. Now, let’s get to it. Let’s jump into this episode.

Welcome. Before we get into this episode with Dan Contreras, I first have a couple announcements. First of all, if you’re not on the Happy Healthy caregiver email list, what are you waiting for? Every week I share something happy, healthy, and care-related, and I invite you to subscribe by going to bit.lee/HHCnews. Does your company or organization look for speakers? To come and talk about health, wellness, or caregiving. If so, I would love to be introduced to them as a potential speaker for an upcoming event.

I’d like to thank our episode sponsor today, Rare Patient Voice. Did you know that you can earn cash in exchange for sharing your opinion? Well, Rare Patient Voice or RPV helps connect researchers with patients and family caregivers for over 700 different diseases. And conditions. RPV provides you the opportunity to voice your opinions and improve medical products and services while earning cash rewards. If you’re interested, you simply join the RPV panel by going to rarepatient Voice. com/happyhealthy caregiver. I recently read a book called The Wedding People by Alison Espa.

It wasn’t all that I was expecting, frankly. I thought this was gonna be a book about guests, and it was, I guess, sort of. It was also a story about the main character, Phoebe’s mental health journey. She traveled alone to an inn that was the site for a destination wedding, and she was probably the only guest there who wasn’t a part of the wedding that was taking place there. And through the pages, she befriends the bride, who now has the safe person outside of her friends and family to discuss the wedding.

And all of the guests that are attending. The description of the book online makes it sound like a fun read. However, it does have some triggering content. Being misled by the description likely impacted my rating for this book, and so I only gave it 3 out of 5 stars. It’s an interesting, creative plot, and there are solid characters with a lot of good banter in them. However, it just was not what I was expecting. I may be in the minority on this book as it has a 4.3 rating on Amazon and a 4.1 on good rates.

I will link to it in case you want to check it out. A favorite thing I wanna share for this episode are these fabulous caregiver cards. Look at them. Your care fetty touches every soul. This one says, care, give, happy, dare, live happy. Um, this one says treat yourself, you deserve it. Enjoy this appreciation gift. And this one, caregiving is the most special gift we can give to another human being. You inspire me. I always have the stash of these in my closet to send notes to family caregivers.

They were created by former podcast guest Jen Chan. She created this whole line of amazing caregiving cards and she has some other products too that you can check out. I have yet to see anything like these cards, and they’re a great way to appreciate and send some love to family caregivers or professional caregivers, frankly, too. So I will link to them so that you can check them out. Let’s meet today’s caregiver in the spotlight. Dan Contreras is a US Army veteran, proud husband, and a devoted caregiver to his wife, Teresa.

After years of service and leadership with DAV disabled American Veterans. Including his role as national commander, Dan has become a strong advocate for both caregivers and care receivers. Like many military spouses and family members, Dan didn’t initially see himself as a caregiver. That changed when as a DAV leader, he sought to better understand the DAV’s caregiver support program by completing the onboarding process. Now, he’s on a mission to raise awareness and provide resources for the 15003% of veterans who are caring for loved ones. In this episode, Dan shares the resources that DAV offers to support veterans who are also caregivers, free resources, by the way, how his perspective on self-care has shifted as Teresa’s cancer journey has progressed, the creative outlets he and Teresa enjoy together, including Legos, crafts, and hobbies that bring them joy.

And how something as simple as a karaoke app helps him relieve stress and recharge. I hope you enjoy the show.

Hi, Dan. Welcome to the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast. Well, hello, and it’s great to be here. Thank you. Yeah, I’m excited to chat with you and spotlight your story and the resources that have helped you and all of that. But we always kick off the show with something from the happy healthy caregiver jar. This is stuff that I’ve collected and I continue to collect things that kind of resonate and maybe we’ll hit the caregivers where they are today so that they can You know, just feel seen and validated.

So this says, at the end of the day, before you close your eyes, smile and be happy with where you’ve been and grateful for what you have. Life can be tough, but it’s also really good. Yeah. Do you feel like two things can be true at the same time sometimes? I think so. It’s a matter of perspective, but it’s also, I think what that demonstrates is, is a positive attitude, because even though we know. The difficulty or really just the unseen activities that that will happen. We, we can also know that we’re confident that we’re going to be able to get through them and have the strength to To be there for, for our loved ones.

Yeah, I think the community and support from other folks once they tap into that plays a big part in that and knowing that they’re, they’re not alone. Well, I would love for the, the listeners to get to know you a little bit better, Dan. I know you’re an army veteran, so thank you for your service. Thank you. I think that in many ways it sounded like your role that you had a little bit of taste of caregiving even when you were in the army. Did you see yourself kind of as a caregiver to many in the roles that you had in the army?

Well, in the army initially I really wanted to go in service and so I signed up for the Navy originally and I was going to be a corpsman in the Navy. And my history is that I have 3 brothers and all of them served in the military and so they gave me a great lead into what I saw in my own future, but I didn’t go in the Navy. I ended up going in the army and so in the army I chose a combat medic at first as as my career path, and then I eventually went to nursing school in the army and so yeah, I just always have been in.

That capacity of wanting to be a healer and serve in that capacity. And so even after the military working in a career field, still in nursing, case managing, and then the company I I ended up working with prior to coming to DAV was geriatric Services and, and that was taking care of geriatric clients and so the caregiving aspect of it is always kind of been ingrained in me. And even in my role with with DAV as a national service officer, which we’ll, we’ll talk about some other services that our organization can offer and especially, you know, with, with my experience because that all translates into the resources that you can find with with our organization’s just history of taking care of the veteran and also now the caregivers.

Yeah, we will definitely dive into that. I wanna, I wanna also kind of just set the stage so that you also I have a personal caregiving story. So I don’t know if you work in the army and then geriatric services kind of help prepare you for that, but tell us a little bit about your personal caregiving story. Well, that’s, that came with just a, a diagnosis with my wife of stage 4 cancer and that role progressed as her, of course, the disease progressed and, and I really didn’t think of myself as a caregiver per se.

I mean, I had the background first and foremost of nursing, but also I didn’t find it to be something that has been that challenging. I mean, I’ll say that things have definitely escalated because we we’ve now been battling this for more than 5 years and so she certainly things have become more complicated for her involving Wound care, medication management, um, you know, dealing with a lot of the aspects of 23 medical facilities, major medical facilities in the United States that we would go to 25 or 215 if that’s what it would take.

So the caregiver role definitely has evolved for me, but as I can relate it to our own caregiver initiative. It was, we were, I was talking to this about this today with someone who actually encouraged me to get oriented on a personal level with our caregiver program and being a national line officer and on just really this path of talking about the great programs that we do, a lot of it was anecdotal stories until He, he introduced me and just really gave me an opportunity to see it firsthand because I really thought, one, not really a caregiver per se.

And, and then he just said, have you ever gone through the process of signing up or, or, you know, just looking into the process? And I’m like, no. So he literally flips his laptop. Right there and says here sign up, do this, and within a matter of 24 minutes I realized that there’s an assessment, you know, that that happens that you really can’t escape. And so at DAaregiver. org you go through this assessment and the assessment’s asking you questions about you and how this relates to you as a caregiver.

But also how it affects your loved one. And so you can imagine that being a veteran taking care of a loved one, which is the unique aspect of of our program is that it supports not only the loved one taking care of a veteran, but also the veteran taking care of a loved one. And this is an interesting statistic that That 22020% of veterans will take care of a loved one eventually. And that span goes for like 22019 years. And so, and it could go longer, but so that’s where our organization was able to see the need for a veteran like myself and so I could not escape, you know, just the reality of how it was.

me and, and because I decided, OK, you know what, if I’m gonna talk about this, then OK, I’m gonna go through the process. And so the next thing you do after you look at these areas and, and the areas will will grade it on, on like a higher impact or a lower impact and so you really get a good idea of how these each areas. are affecting, well, the next thing to do is is to set up an appointment with a care specialist, and I thought, you know, that’s going to be a couple weeks or, you know, something.

I had my appointment the next day at 53:25 in the morning, you know, and, and, and it says it’s supposed to be for about 218 minutes. Well, we talked for better than an hour and it was really cathartic just talking about it because When Teresa was first diagnosed, she’s young, in her late 225s and gets that colonoscopy and we’re now waiting to figure out what, you know, what, what, what’s happening because the doctor indicated at that point, while we’re, we’re doing biopsies, we’re, we’re checking things out and so we went on with our business and I came home and she was in our backyard in an evening dress and I was like, did I forget something?

Are we supposed to go? Where and she told me that the results came back and, and that she had stage 4 cancer and she told me that she might not get a chance to wear these beautiful dresses and of course I just freak out. I mean, I’m just distraught and she tells me, you know, you need to get it together because I need you to be strong, go get a hamburger, you know, come back and we’re going to figure this out. And so that’s something that caregivers have to understand, you know, they, they need to They want us to be strong and and have that strength.

So talking to this person, I was breaking down and crying and you know just really letting things out and, and it had a follow up with it and we talked about just avenues that I could see. Were my own needs and and I had gone ahead and put on the back burner things that you know were were some of the things that I would do like including, you know, sleep or you know, just things that are that are really where I need to take care of myself so I can take care of her, you know.

Yeah, it’s so interesting, your story. So it’s like, what I’m understanding is like you have this big position with the DAV that supports family caregivers. You’re not recognizing that you yourself are a caregiver for your wife. You’re kind of just like, well, I need to be educate myself. Let me go through this process. And through the process, it sounds like through the conversation with your intake person. Um, that you felt safe, you know, to kind of peel back the layers, and had you come out the other side thinking, gosh darn it, I am a caregiver, or yeah, like, are you, are you assuming the role?

I am, and and I’m assuming that that. That title, you know, because it’s one that I, I wear with honor. And even when I spoke at our national convention, I told our members if there’s one thing that you want to make sure you do is to sign up for for our caregiver program, you know, to visit it because you could go through a battery of questions and and kind of realize that and in some way, shape or form you could benefit from This site, even if you know somebody who is a caregiver, you could you could help them through this, this initiative and it and it’s so personal because that care specialist is going to be your care specialist throughout the process.

They’re gonna be able to align you with the resources in your own town and, and so, and this could be respite, this could be things that, you know, are, are just chores around the house, this could be, you know, looking. For ergonomic equipment or, you know, different things that, that one, you know, is certainly going to be a way to give you some relief of some of the things that that you are doing as a caregiver or you need assistance at or resources to be directed towards.

And so, for me, my wife found a lot of, I would say, I would say comfort at being in her own group with with those who are going through. Terminal cancer and and under treatment and, and so she directed me to try to engage in that myself with a support group and, and I just didn’t find it to be like where I benefited from it, but I tried it, you know, but, but having this one on one or the ability to talk to the care specialist was more something I think is more my style because um although I’m very open to To directing individuals to resources.

I’ve been with DAV 25 years, I worked on the service side. I’m constantly, you know, just like talking to somebody the other day and they were telling me about their, their, their parent who was a Vietnam veteran and I was like, well, let me ask you a question, you know, do they have the help that they need or you know, different thing, I, I said, let me go to work. That’s what I. said that, and I, I just wanted to go ahead and do that. So we’re, we’re constantly doing that and, and under the the whole caregiver support aspect, there’s, there’s, there’s also the way that we can, can rally other resources to the spouses of veterans or the veterans themselves because of our, our, our service capacity or other aspects that we can do.

With, with the number of, of, of chapters and, and 100 offices nationwide, we can certainly direct them into other resources. You know, I come from a A very dense veteran populated state of 1.8 million veterans in California. And so there’s, you know, there’s a lot of of veterans who are not receiving benefits and a lot of times that’s because they just don’t have the knowledge about them. What does the DAB stand for? Disabled American veterans. Disabled American veterans. So you’ve got two kind of two-fold programs. You do things to support the veterans and on and then certainly in this podcast we’re talking more about the caregiver support.

side of it because it’s it’s all encompassing, right? Like you support the caregiver, you are supporting the veteran. And so I love that and there’s this support that helps them. There’s no cost, right? No, absolutely no. So what do you what do you have to do to who qualifies to be in the support for the DAV and like how do they get started with our caregiver support program, it’s simply if you are a caregiver and you’re taking care of a Veteran or if you are a veteran taking care of a loved one, then you can DAV caregivers or caregivers.org.

And and then if you want to look at the global aspect of all of our services, even when you when you talk to the care specialists, they’re trained to kind of analyze and assess if there’s some ancillary ways that DAV can can help, but DAV. org is another way to to look at the the veteran side of it. I know that that um just in the. of this program, which we are so dedicated to it and it was great that that we even created a department specific to our caregiver initiative and so it’s expanding and growing.

So the feedback that that we get from those who are using the services and I’m just going to throw a number out there, but I would say we are even there, but, but since starting this program in 23, I think we’ve already affected more than or close to 2000 caregivers in one way or another. Yeah, yeah, the caregiver part is pretty new. Yeah, absolutely. But see, the evolution of our organization is, is always looking at how, how can we expand with what we can do as well. It’s not just like claims work, but, but we can also help veterans and spouses with finding employment through our job programs.

And then we also have entrepreneurial assistance through our patriot boot camp, and that’s also open to veterans and their spouses as well. So DEB is always looking at how can we help the veteran, the spouses, and now with our caregiver initiative, you know, we’re, we’re, we’re also expanding in that sense. Yeah, so interesting. Um, and thank you for putting the focus on the caregiver support. I’m curious, you know, we talk about like the rising of the the older adult generation, like is the DAV concerned about the rising population of older adult veterans and their caregivers.

The silver tsunami, for sure. Well, well, you know, and, and this is where our advocacy works and, and I testified before Congress last year on really the The growth of, of, of, you know, the, the population of, of older veterans, you know, over the next 183 years, it’s going to be 600%. We don’t have enough long term care facilities and but the caregiver program, and I remember this as as being a case manager and and and working in the geriatric services arena, is that to keep them at home is really paramount because once you put them in a rehab facility or or a long term care facility, that’s very detrimental to, to their mental health because then they don’t have their own space, they’re not there, enables them to to have that quality of life and to be able to just get some respite services and, and we’re also doing things with our morale welfare too.

So we have um a disabled veterans golf clinic and we also have our winter sports clinic. That caregivers come, you know, get some social self-care going in there. So that’s what we do. We, we actually, we have events that are specific to them, to give them, you know, a little bit of time to just pamper themselves or or just meet with each other and have and so we’re, we’re expanding in that and and and so the vision of the organization is to identify. ways that we can provide outlets for them with those, but also maybe some some workshops and, and different events that are going to be geared towards giving them more resources and information.

Yeah, so good, like thinking about all the different pieces and, you know, a lot of what I talk about is the different types of self-care and certainly we need the emotional support, we need physical support, social, financial, by, you know, not, not try how Is the DAV funded? So totally it’s a nonprofit organization and so the generosity of the public is, is certainly there. I mean, DAB has been around for, you know, 104 years now and growing and, and so it has a great reputation with the generous public and through those as far as generous contributions, we’re able to evolve.

In our way of being able to support because we do also disaster relief was a major way that DAB supported last year and you know, we’re looking at some probably some catastrophic as far as weather patterns happening in Arizona and now with hurricanes on the East Coast with me, the fires in California, but all of that too can be a caregiver aspect as well, you know, to have those resources so that When you’re in those, those challenges, but I mean, I think like with, with understanding that evolving process with me and and my spouse as far as the, the caregiving community, it’s, it’s um just reaching out, people reaching out to me and and checking on me and, and you know what, it’s almost like instinctive that they say, OK, well, how are you doing?

Oh, and, and of course me, I’m fine. I, I can, I can handle this. I’m, but The other day, you know, there was an exacerbation. I had to go to the emergency room cause pain wasn’t being managed at home. I was, I was afraid that, you know, we were, we just call her doctor, bring her in. And so, um, yeah, you know she, she was admitted and we’re I, I finally took off, went to go home, got a call first, she says, I, I need you to come.

And that’s our, that’s our safe word, you know, I, I told her, you tell me to come. I’m, I’m going wherever you’re at. And then she goes, you know, on second thoughts, just go back to bed. I, I, I think I’m, I’m gonna be OK. Well, 2 o’clock in the morning, I get that call again. And and so I’m just going ahead and just getting over the hospital and sleeping in a chair, holding her hand, getting my, you know, personal hygiene or whatever it is, but um we go through that.

Those are the things that, you know, I’m about to start looking at, you know, vitamins and and sleep and exercise and You know, a lot of the, like the ancillary things I used to do for me, like putting them on the back burner while, you know, we, we go through this process with her, she’s sacrificing a lot. She’s the one going through the battle. Stuart Scott had a really good saying and he was an ESPN. Stuart Scott. Yeah, and he said, and, and he was battling cancer and there’s a Seward Scott Foundation to this day, and he said fight like hell till you can’t fight anymore.

Then let someone else fight till you can fight again. And that’s what I try to to let Theresa know because you know it and I know it and all caregivers know that the more independence that they can maintain, then they feel a sense of control, you know, and so, you know, in the hospital I was wanting to get something off of a chair that was well out of her reach and out of my reach as well, but she in her pain state wanted to go ahead and grab this item for me and I’m like, no, you know, and she looked at.

Me with like stink eye like ah and then and so I was, I reminded her about it later, you know, and, and I know just if she could do little things for me and that’s what I want to communicate is that we have to kind of just like for me, with her, you know, Theresa, smarty girl, you know, she went back to school after she was already a very prominent professional in her own role and excelled at that. So I know that I’m Competing with someone or not competing with someone, I got to understand that really to give her that latitude or that ability to be able to have that independent mind and have the contributions to her extent is important as well.

And I think we all know that. I mean, just in general, even with senior people, as they lose the ability to drive or to, you know, do different things that that loss of independence is is something that if we can go ahead. And and allow a little bit of a, of just a because I’ll tell you in this role with her, I have become so much more calm in other situations. The little things just don’t get me like they used to anymore because I just see her strength, her battle, and for me, those things are just like for others, it’s like, wow, you know, don’t have a clue.

Yeah, it’s a different perspective, exactly. Yeah, I appreciate what you’re saying about keeping people’s independence. And like she’s she’s a part of the care team. Like everybody’s, she’s a care partner. It’s a partnership and keeping them independent and giving them dignity and the same way with our older adults and anybody. Like everybody wants to feel valued and purpose and likely not feel like they’re a burden on other people. So, yeah, she sounds like a tough cookie and a good match for you. What’s top of mind for you?

Like, well, I guess, what’s top of mind for the DAV? What’s top of mind for you as a caregiver? Like what, what, what are you what are you thinking about right now? Well, as her disease process has progressed, and not everybody has cancer, and I mean we, we have, you know, in our organization, when you look at the number of veterans nationwide, you know, we can’t tap into all of them. So the outreach is so important, but understanding that there’s just going to be such a variable when it comes to like even with me, things have started to get to now wound care, medication management, um, you know, Just really, I’ve got Narcan all over the house and in my suitcases and you know, just really looking at, at um how can I be better prepared and, and, you know, the question is going to arise where you’re talking about advanced directives, you’re talking about, you know, different things that are her choices and so those are tough questions, you know, and recently she, she talked to me about wanting to donate her body to the Mayo Clinic and, and so now, You know, I, I’ve always tried to think that we, I had all, you know, the information and everything and so those are the things that I, that are still kind of weighing um and still evolving, you know, for both of you, I imagine like you’ve, we need this too, you know. Yeah.

Well, and that’s what’s really great about the the DAB caregivers. org site is because it identifies where you are having to do activities of daily living for, for someone. So, you know, right away that puts you into that category. You know, you are seeing where it’s affecting your health, mental health. It does ask you about the cognitive ability of The person that you’re, you know, you’re taking care of and so that starts to give them insight to potential resources and then also where, where you are, are aligned with that local ability is, is where that care specialist can direct you into either some resources, mental health, uh, connections with counseling or morale.

Well for like This is really great because I never saw myself as a crafty person and Teresa was an eco adventurer kind of person and, and so, but we have found, and this was through the caregiver program that we enjoy doing crafts together. So we do Turkish ramps, we paint, we uh do Lego projects and, and so, and of course, yeah, I’m a dodger. Super fan and so when I’m doing painting stuff, I’m doing a Dodger this. I even made my Turkish lamp with with kind of a Dodger, a Dodger feel to it as well, but I love that so much like in with her, yeah, yeah, like that, so a lot of what we talk about, yeah, I coach on self-care, right, and how caregivers can prevent burnout.

But one of the activities that we do is I’m also looking to put more fun in people’s life like. Why does it have to be so hard? So we talk about this joint joy list, which you kind of touched on because like you’ve got your joys of things that make you happy, and Teresa has her joys, but then where you overlap in the middle is kind of that sweet spot. Um, and so identifying those and, and so I do think that there’s, it’s probably evolved, you know, her energy level’s not what it used to be and the things that maybe that you all used to enjoy doing. Yeah.

Your partner, your older, you know, a parent or a child, like, I think we all kind of have those things where we can meet, meet up. So I love that you found that you’re a crafty person and and can combine. Yeah, and, and she’ll, she’ll just set a Lego item out and I just know it’s time to sit down and do Legos, but sometimes she just hands me pieces and we work on them together that way because her hands, depending on like a chemo that she’s on or something, it, it might give her some numbness or dexterity issues and things.

But no, I mean, I just see the joy in her face when we’re doing things collectively and And sometimes like, you know, we might be sitting in the bedroom and she’s on her iPad watching a murder show and I’m watching a chick flick on my side or of Dodger game or something, you know, but, uh, but yeah, she, and that’s where, again, just that together. and, and we were supposed to go on a big trip coming up and things have evolved to where she’s not going to be able to go, um, or she just doesn’t feel comfortable in going and I’m OK with that, you know, because really, We’ve always worked together to if something affects you personally, then you have the ultimate decision and with her, her care, her decision on how to go after cancer with I’m telling you, the chemo that she’s gone through and the surgeries and everything else, I don’t know if I would last 3 months, let alone 5+ years.

So, um. I, I give her a lot of of just support in her own processes, and I think that that’s, that’s tough to do because I’ve seen where, you know, certain family members are really adamant about pushing a certain way of treatment or anything like that and and that’s why I just kind of resort to my approach, and I’m not saying it’s, it’s the best because it’s a science, you know, just like raising kids or a science, um. But I, I, I’ll feel comfortable at the end of the day that really she, she made her conscientious choices and, and that I supported her vision.

Well, thank God she’s in the 15th percentile of survivors with stage 4 cancer, you know, and uh with her particular cancer and, and, and so something must, must be involved in her approach to it. The she has, I also don’t want you to diminish your role. Like she might say, well, it would be hard for her to be Dan, like watching, you know, watching your, your person. So it’s like there’s, yeah, you’re right. She gives me a lot of credit. I’ll give it, I’ll give you that. She, she literally says I would not be here today if it wasn’t for you.

Yeah, I mean, because I honestly feel, Dan, that like when Yes, they’re going through the, the hard work of the chemo and this and that, but, but when they, when your person gets a diagnosis, you also get a diagnosis in many ways like it is, you know, change kind of what you thought. The future look like, you’re, you know, the, the drop everything and be there, maybe the, the career choices that you made or the roles that you’ve taken on or the like, it, it does, it, it changes a lot of things.

Um, yeah. I, I, I share the story because the, the role as national commander comes with a six year. Trail in leading into that position. Um, she was diagnosed in 2020 and I was just starting on the line in 2019 and I, I said to her that um I, I said, you know what, I’ll drop all of this, you know, I think we need to focus on, and she goes, that would kill me first. And, and so this, this journey and, and, and it’s just how it’s evolved in this this way that it’s been one together.

I mean, even before I went on the line, she was, she has been very supportive of my work with DA, the things that that were important to me were important to her as well. And so, but you know, she allowed me to openly talk about her and it was a conversation I had with her and at first she was, she, she wasn’t sure. You know, but then she came back and, and, you know, this, this is something that. That that we collectively decided that telling her story and and and and being able to share.

Just the role that that I have and it’s going to be something that will help kind of put a direct picture on me personally and and and why I have a direct connection or an intimate connection with this passion for, for this and and and I I talked to a lot of caregivers and each one is uniquely challenged in one way or another. This, this program put all of us together and and gave us a resource to maybe help and and even a little bit is some help too because I mean, I truly call it, you know, where the unseen heroes, you know, are are the caregivers and I don’t want to label myself that, but if I’m under, you know, that, because I, again, I don’t really I think everything that I want to do moving forward is still possible, but right now, and I talk about this as far as like this parallel, they, you know, couples have this parallel and, and the balance that you have in that parallel is, is to stay constant, that both of you are, are just the ebb and flow is, is to, to be in the same line, but at one point, you know, One’s going to have to go north or south and you’re going to go with them.

And sometimes knowing that that person who’s taking you there should also want to bring you back to balance, you know, bring you back to that central point. But in her case and in others, it’s not by their choosing that they’re going extreme north because we are in the north like extreme hemisphere, and I’m up there with her too, and I’m There with her by choice and I know that she wants to come back down and, and there’s been demonstrations that, that, you know, it just that she really feels bad about where she’s put me in and, and that, you know, life would be different, even, even just crazy things like, you know, we’ll be somewhere and she, she will, she would just kind of reflect on My life after she’s gone, you know, and I don’t want to go there, but you can only imagine somebody in in her in.

Sure, it’s not a natural thought for sure, even as a healthy, you know, in, in a healthy husband and I have. Not in a battling situation, you still think about that, you know, I think it’s just a normal, a normal, a normal thing when we’re, we’re in a partnership. How do you even in this some of the self-care stuff like what do you do, Dan, to kind of Maintain this kind of level of energy, both mentally and physically so that you cannot, you know, you’ve got, you’ve got to help Teresa, you’ve got your DAV team that’s counting on you because I, I don’t want to put words in your mouth like national commander is basically like the CEO of a of a company, right, like for your organization. Yeah.

So it’s a, it’s a pressing job, and I feel like by you being a caregiver, it’s just making you a more compassionate, amazing national commander than somebody who would just have the boardroom experience. Like you’ve been in the trenches and you are living in the trenches of that. Um, but how do you, how do you energize yourself? Like, how are you staying energized? I can relate, I can relate to it as a national commander last year. We have a new national commander, we, we passed on the torch just this past August, so not too long ago, so I can definitely reflect on the work of the national commander, which is very time consuming and, and a lot of times in airports and traveling and everything, but, but what I found was that um I have mantras.

I’m the last man in the room and I power mingle and, and so being able to give back and identify where Um, I can be a support or help, but then also I find where I pick up where she might not pick up something and I’ll do the exploration or I’ll recently she was considered for a trial, so, yeah, for a phase one trial and so I did all kinds. kinds of research on it and and I presented it to her and and then um I, I, I wanted, she was afraid that if she didn’t do that trial, then they would um probably not consider her for future trials.

And so I composed a letter, you know, with outlining some of the trials that were going. On that she could be considered for and then also just graciously bowing out of that one but thanking them for it and asking for consideration. Well, here she is, she’s, she’s a smarty girl, but right now, you know, if I can do the admin things or if I can go ahead and do medication management for her, if I can go ahead and and help her with wound care and Of course, initially that was, it was embarrassing to her, you know, you know, exposing herself to me in that way and vulnerable exactly, and, and I just, I mean, I have to be conscientious too because, you know, others want to get involved in the caregiving aspect, but I’m selfish that I, I do it.

I know how to do it. I, you know, and so that’s a thing. caregivers do. Like, is that what you’re saying? Yeah, they have help that that’s reaching out and and it’s like, no, you know, that’s that’s mine, but um I’m getting better at that. I think it’s a big lesson in learning how to let go. I mean, I know I wanted a lot of control and we got to give people the opportunity, right, to, to, to show up in their that they want to show up so it’s almost like in some ways you’re selfish, you want to keep the control, but in other ways you’re being selfish, not letting other people help out.

And the goal is for it to be sustainable too. And so we don’t want you to burn out, Dan, you know, I do some things and you know, we talk about it. I think it’s so important that that I have me time, you know, what do you do for me? I love to sing. You know, I, I do karaoke, but I am on an app and, and I sing with people from all over the world. Wait a second. There’s an app for this. It’s called Smule, S M U L E. Yeah.

I’m telling my sister we call her karaoke Annie. She’s gonna love it. She’ll love it. She’ll love it, but, but so I, I do things like that and um. Very accessible, right? You don’t have to leave your house. Exactly. I’m, I’m right there and all you need is your phone and earbuds with, with the mic on it. You can do smule and sing and, and, you know, there’s all kinds of as far as just ways that you can adapt the the equalizer or or you know, you can do a video or animation or just post a picture and Sing background with it, but, but yeah, I mean, so I, I’ve recorded over 1500 songs on Smules.

Can I, can we watch your song? Absolutely for sure if offline you want to give me your, you know, where you, I can send that to you. Um, I’ll definitely do that, or I could get more fans. So go to, no. Do you have to be a good singer to do? I can’t even say it. Do you have to be a good singer? No, no, that’s the great thing about Smu is that like what I’ll do is I can post like a part one of a song and then invite others to sing, and it’s crazy because you’ll get a variety, but once in a while or you’ll get like a diamond in the rough or someone who just has this really unique.

Voice and, and yeah, so, but yeah, so recently I sang with somebody from the Philippines and um her invitation was for the song Tonight I celebrate My Love, and so, so yeah, so I just added my voice to her song and it’s so it’s a lot of fun and so I do things like that or I’ll go to, we have a movie theater walking distance. I’ll go there and and you know, just catch a movie, but Yes, I definitely, I used to play a lot of tennis.

I haven’t really played much of that. An avid golfer, so I’ve not really done much of that either. Working out’s kind of been something on the back burner, but, um, uh, I, I monitor like my sleep. I, I, I definitely try to eat as best as I can and then also do as much as I can, you know, with her and, and, um, and I enjoy that too. I mean, I don’t need just Me space or anything like that, uh, because a golf outings 5 hours plus and getting there and so I’d I’d rather, you know, when our our best time is when we’re together and so I think like, yeah, she’s gonna go on a a trip with uh just going to see a friend.

And she’s gonna be gone for a few days and I even like I’m, I’m a little bit, you know, just uh leery about, you know, I, I do, I do her friend even said I could come and I’m like, yeah, you know, I’ll just leave that up to Teresa, but yeah, I, I. Really, um, I think I’m comfortable that that I’m not like overwhelming myself and but I again, you know, I, I think where it all begins is, is just knowing that if you need something, then DAV caregiver.

org is is somewhere where you can look, it identifies, kind of looks at. You know, are, do you feel comfortable, you know, in your situation to, to take care of somebody because if you think about it, you know, taking care of an amputee or taking care of, you know, somebody with spinal cord injuries or somebody who, you know, yeah, yeah, mental health issues and, and there’s, there’s a lot to, to, to say. That that could just be so varied in a way that we take care of our loved ones and so I mean I’ve been so proud to be with DAV and see the evolution of how we look at how can we expand on helping and and so forming our own program and dedicating a department to it, it’s going to evolve and it’s going to grow, but we I really need the input from, from those who who walk that walk like myself, you know, what can we do?

And and that’s why I’m, you know, talking about maybe medication management and things like that that, you know, are are something that, you know, especially when you’re looking at, you know, pain medications or, or things that that are, you know, Wound care or, or, you know, just things that that you want to do yourself if you need that training that help or or to accomplish it. Well, we’ll definitely link to the DA.org so people can get more help. Now that you, you know, pass the baton on for the national commander, what’s your focus with the DAV now, Dan?

So I, I run operations for DAV. OK. And I’ve been doing that for 18 years and I’ve been with the organization 25 years and so I’ve got that. And also just in any capacity what I said, you know, after leaving the organization and being the primary spokesperson for nearly a million members, whatever capacity, I’m the board of director chairperson now and so I do have a role with the organization, but if it’s, if it’s down to just being a cheerleader. For for DAV, I’ll be the best cheerleader that they can have.

I love this organization. I don’t belong to any other organizations. A lot of other people do, and I don’t, we do a lot of work with other organizations either on a national level with our legislative work or in communities nationwide. There there’s a collaborative effort that happens with the veteran community in general. We don’t need it to be fragmented. It’s absolutely not. And so, but for me, like doing this, this is, this is a passion that I have. I, I, I know that they have another planned way that I can contribute to the outreach of our caregiver program and, and so certainly, and thank you for this opportunity to be able to audience and so for sure, for sure, and I think what we should have is a karaoke caregiver.

That’s funny. So we, yeah, you should have definitely. So I’m all about combining the fun with the with the advocacy and education and for a while I was doing these virtual cafes. I called them and we would do a sing along with caregivers. We would do, we did some, some different things because, yeah, people want the community, but they just need the breaks and the respite. And so it’s like giving them the ways to do that. So I I’d love to leave you like ask a question from my journal, and then we’ll we’ll let you the day this is, you know, journaling was a big part of my healing in the very beginning with emotional self-care and so I wanted to get people to have a way to try it on without it being real intimidating.

And so this is a prompted journal that helps people put some focus back on their health and happiness. What’s your top tip to bust stress, Dan? Singing, singing. I know that’s. Good. OK, let’s do one more. And something you did for yourself today? Wow. OK. I’ve been in meetings all day. Did you brush your teeth? But I would say that, um, you know, just connecting with, with people who I made it a point to find them because they’re my friends that I don’t get to see often.

And so that’s important, you know, just to stay connected to your community and Of course, all of them always ask how am I doing and how’s how’s my wife and everything else, but, but I think that that’s important too. Don’t feel isolated. And so that was something that I did today and countless times, you know, because when I’m home in LA, you know, I don’t get a chance to see these great friends and so and so seeing them was, was certainly something that that was a prize today that I had for sure.

Well, I have enjoyed getting to know you, spotlighting your story. Thank you so much for the advocacy work you’re doing. We’re gonna share the episode. We’re gonna make sure that people connect the veterans and their caregivers connect to the DAV organization. Amazing that it’s out there and that you’re continuing to kind of advocate for caregivers and you’re, and we’ll of course be wishing you and Teresa well and what’s to come for both of you. But thank you so much for spending this time with me today. And thank you again and thank you to all the caregivers out there.

Your work’s hard, we recognize it. Please, DAV caregiver. org, we can help. Thank you. Thank you. If you’re a fan of this Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast, then you’re gonna love Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver podcast, which is also part of the whole Care Network family. Join sisters JJ and Natalie, who offer a candid, unfiltered space to confess the good, the bad, and the ugly of. Being a caregiver. From heartfelt confessions to insightful guest interviews, they’ve got it covered. You’ll laugh, cry, and everything in between. Tune into the Confessions of a Reluctant podcast on your favorite podcast platform or visit confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver.com.

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